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Carla’s Niche

Carla’s Letter Tapes

CAVEAT: Warning! These letters have not been edited by Carla. Expect errors.

Letter to RH

November 10, 1989

Dear R,

(The tapes starts abruptly.)

… somebody who has such kindness for someone else, I think you must be a very beautiful person. You venture an awful lot. The reason I that I debated writing you back was because, in my opinion, you and I have enough of the same catalyst from childhood, despite our differences, because of our tendency to personalities, which don’t change because of circumstances, the real bedrock things. Both of us have always wanted very badly to please people. I remember trying to help my mother in the kitchen and I was not able to. She would not let me. She was impatient and was just as liable to drag me out of the kitchen as to let me stay. That was actually the way it was until she became totally dysfunctional from alcoholism and I was fourteen at that point. She had been going downhill since I was ten. I think having a child destroyed what was left of her sobriety and she really went into the pits for a long time. So I functioned as a very responsible mother and I was actually very happy in that role because I was an over-responsible person.

I, too, when I first heard the story of Jesus Christ felt intensely and personally guilty. That is ridiculous. I didn’t do it, but I know exactly what you mean. I just had this tendency to assume that everything was my fault. It isn’t. I am just a typical Jew, that is all. I sit in the dark and worry. I am who I am. You are who you are and what I was really debating was whether I should talk to you or whether I should just let you be and let you get on with something else because there wasn’t any way in the world that I could satisfy you that I know of.

If I felt that you were perhaps not doing the total reality check on my reality (I can’t blame you for that), your reality, as you have pointed out, is different. So rather than saying something, which could be interpreted as patronizing, or critical or some unacceptable thing to you, I thought it might be kinder to just let it drop.

You see, I have said, apparently in both tapes, that you seemed to be a very intelligent person. You did. I am looking at your typewriting. I will admit that you use an awful lot of …., but I think that is probably about the only thing that you lack of sounding like a college graduate. You say your thoughts in a fairly crystallized and understandable way. You spell things correctly. You are able to manipulate the language. You are able to control the words you want to say and most people who are of normal intelligence are not able to do all of that.

Normal ability is an ability, which is less than you describe. What does that mean? That means that you have a clever mind. You have a good (mike static). That is a plus and a minus. It is a plus because you analyze everything. You think things out. You hold on like a terrier until you are sure of your ideal, or your truth or your situation, whatever it is. You will have control of it. I really feel that this is a strong and useful part of your character, but you have to (in my opinion, which is only an opinion) soften at some point and realize that there is a paradox involved in learning the truth.

That is, that a surrender of personal feelings and personal will in favor of an impersonal and deeply felt path of service is appropriate sometimes. I have repeatedly surrendered to the Holy Spirit, felt guided and done what I should do, again and again. I count my life failures, not many, and they are sufficiently nauseating and humiliating that I believe that I have learned compassion for other people.

That is what I mean by intelligence. I am talking around what you were telling me because I really do want to stay out of your cow piles, as you so neatly put it. I wish you well and I would like to become your friend and listen to what you learn as you go over the bumpy road of life. We are all on this earth together. We may be in different buses and mine may be careening down the mountain out of control, in your mind. It isn’t in mine. That is okay. I don’t have to change your perception any more than you have to change mine, knowing that everything is okay is a wonderful thing. Like you say, you are perfectly safe.

It doesn’t make any sense to feel perfectly safe and it doesn’t make sense to stay out of other people’s stuff, but it is a good time to have faith. I decided, after sleeping on it a good three or four nights (I was doing other things), but I was contemplating how to write you back and I thought,

If either a polite thank you and acknowledgement that I truly would like to be down to my limitations, I salute that reality.

The fact that it is not happening to me, I could say it is funny. I could say it is tragic. You prefer funny to tragic. I think that in both, humor is a very existentially correct thing to do when you are in a bad situation. It is not the only defense a person has against feeling sorry for herself. It is just sit back there. Get some distance from yourself and have a good laugh.

I understand that kind of humor, but it is sometime an angry and hurtful humor where you end up wanting yourself to be perfect, noticing that you are not perfect according to your own subjective assessment, and then giving yourself a hard time because you are not perfect. The whole point of this density is imperfection, duality, paradoxical choices. You said that so well.

I decided that you were worth another shot at an actual friendship as opposed to your rescuing me or my being somehow helpful to you. I feel that you can be helpful to me by looking in a mirror and letting me look at myself. If what you had to say to me was painful, I would be going ouch, ouch, ouch, and have a real strong reaction. Then I would know that this catalyst was for me. That is about all I want to say about my health.

Except that I do have great respect for my body. I think it is terrifically tough and has heart and stamina. I mean, I just really love my body. The density that I live in is very difficult for me. That is just the way it is. These vibrations are not vibrations that I would prefer. I think that is why I am further and further out in the country as I get older. I really like the vibrations that our little household creates as opposed to the consensus reality of the consciousness of the neighborhood, or town or county or whatever because other people’s realities are a good bit more difficult than mine.

I prefer this simplicity and quiet of my life because that is what I came here for is to live this particular life. I have faith that I am doing my best, absolutely, and trying to learn not to beat myself up because I am imperfect.

I would like to address now the subject of money. I know what you are talking about. Not because I have been there. I haven’t been across the tracks. You are right. I have lived a relatively sheltered life. We never had any money for clothes, for instance, but I was always dressed in something that was not a flour sack. Mother was clever with a needle. Daddy was a professional engineer, very intelligent. Mother was very intelligent also. She broke out of a household role in enormous rage when she was about thirty; went back to college; went all the way through to the PhD in psychology. She taught for fifteen years and then worked for the State Mental Hospital, giving tests and testifying in court as to whether a given person was competent to stand trial or not. She did that very difficult job for about ten years. She is now retired.

In the middle of desperate money crises herself, and one of the hardest things I think I have ever done is trying to stay out of her shit. It is very difficult because I want to go in there and rescue her, but I know that is just a co-dependent, adult child-of-alcoholic thing to do and I have no real desire to be addicted to her addiction or to be addicted to rescuing her.

I get angry at myself because I get angry at her. What she is basically doing is saying, “Do everything for me because I am helpless and hopeless on these things. I can’t deal with money.” I find it hard to believe that this grown, 66-year old woman can actually mean that she can’t hack it. I think to you, it would be out of the question. It is not a matter of whether you can hack it. It is a question of how.

You are not an object of pity because you don’t have money or admiration because you do. Money is one of her rotten circumstances that played a big part and the lack of it can really deaden you. I had to experience the anger that somebody from the other side of tracks has when I do something that is thoughtless about money. I remember when I learned the lessons was when I was in college. I was a scholarship student. My father said, “You have to work your way through college.” I said, “No problem.” I wasn’t about to work. I wanted to learn because I loved college. I would have stayed there forever probably and ended up a teacher if it hadn’t been for this person who really did change my life.

His name was C.F., a good old Welch name, and he lived in the Black section of town, which used to be the respectable White section of town, the suburbs, the west end. People, my parents’ age, who were middle-class had grown up in those neighbors in beautiful big old houses. Beautiful, beautiful trees, a nice part of town and then the old White flight to the suburbs and the settling of those properties had diminished prices by Blacks. It was something that happened to a lot of cities in the forties and fifties and happened to Louisville.

C.’s parents, his father had worked every day of his life at the chemical plant here in town. A terrible stinking place, on apparently very little money and his mother had been in the home because he didn’t want his wife working. He was very old- fashioned. He thought that books would rot your brain, C.’s father did, that is. C. was putting himself through school by working at a grocery store and he was basically supporting his car, and his schooling and me. That was the amazing thing about him.

He was asking me out and I was so oblivious and insensitive that I did not realize the depth of his financial distress until one night he took me to the place where my father was playing.

My father was a jazz drummer who died just this year. All of his life when he wasn’t having to be an engineer, whenever he could work around the edges, he was a drummer. He loved jazz and he was a perfectly adequate drummer. I don’t think that he ever felt that he was good or great, being a perfectionist like many are in my family, but he was confident. People liked him. Musicians liked his very cool approach to life.

C. and I went to the Arts and Mobile House, which was a great big old barn. It was rustic, and great music, and great food and people got sloshed in there a lot. I ordered what I always ordered when I went there, which was a very small cut of steak that cost something like $4.75 at the time. This was in about 1962. That was a lot of money then. When C. forked out the money to pay the bill, and he left a good tip, he had no money in his pockets almost. He had change and he sat me down in the car on the way home. Stopped the car and squared off and said, “We have to talk.”

And he talked to me, and let me understand and helped me see that we had an actual experience of mutual difference and that I was messing him up by not being sensitive to his problem. He was really hacked at me and I don’t blame him.

That is what I said to him. I said, “You have got the right of it. You call the shots from now on. You tell me where you can afford to go on a cheap date. We can go for a walk in the park and I’ll fix some food at home, if you want.”

He was a good guy and he helped me a lot. He made me face the poverty in his life was different in his life. I swear from time-to-time when I am talking. Not then I didn’t. I didn’t know any swear words and was not comfortable using them. I didn’t know any slang. I didn’t know what dirty names meant. I was a total innocent and yet, I was a very tough person. I had been handling things for my family for a long time. By the time I was in college, I had been cooking since I was ten; I had been taking care of my littlest brother since he was born at my age of fourteen. He called me mommy for two years. So I felt pretty competent.

I felt as if I had paid my dues, but here was somebody from across the tracks who was helping me see that there were other worlds out there and that not all worlds were as advantaged as mine. And I got that one real straight.

I actually went on to make extremely good friends with C.’s family, in spite of my differences from them. They lied to me. I can pretty well fit in anywhere if people will just relax because there is so much me. I don’t know how to say this right, but I have such a large sense of myself that it overpowers any uneasiness that I might feel in most situations. One thing I never worried about is losing myself. Yes, I am very generous with myself. I give myself to whatever I am doing and to whatever relationship I am working on. I give it the best I’ve got. I do that because I choose to.

Interestingly enough, C. was the catalyst for my leaving college for a while and going out into that world that is even worse than your world of your childhood, that is, not your world now.

And that is the world of crime. What happened was that the catalyst was that C. asked me to marry him and the way he said it was that he wanted to keep me safe. He wanted to protect me from the world. He didn’t want me to have to deal with the real world because I was much too sweet, and much too gentle, and much too kind for this world and he wanted to protect me and keep that world away from me so that I would always be protected, to which I said, “Horse feathers.”

I quit school and got a job in a bar that only hired prostitutes and to which prostitutes, and their clients and various people that were active in controlling horse races, and pimping and various other unsavory activities went.

The only reason I got that job was because the owner knew my dad and had a jazz band. I had been to many other places and they would not hire me unless I would be a prostitute, or naked dancing or whatever it was. They wouldn’t take me on my own terms. E.D. didn’t want to take me on my own terms either, but I invoked, “Do it for my dad, please.” It was really very important to me that I put myself in this risky position, but as myself, not as playing a role of prostitute, which I would have no skill at. I am not hard-hearted. I would probably worry about each client. I realized emotionally my make-up was not one of a woman who is a collective monogamist because I invest a relationship with anybody with everything I can bring to it.

I felt that if C. was right, now was the time to find out, even though I was only a couple of semesters short of finishing school and even though I was never to stop working again until I became disabled. It was worth it.

I went into that kitchen where I shouldn’t. I was lucky that he knew my dad and gave me the job. That was a real break. I knew I was in there. I knew that every character that came in there had heavy odds on him or her to be a member of a demimonde and underworld that was unsavory and that created a large amount of control over others’ problems. I felt that you get what you give, and that if I had the right take on reality, I could go into that situation and give and be accepted for what I was.

And I was totally correct. I was much beloved in that little place. People would come in and ask me for a date and I would explain that I didn’t do that but so-so didn’t have a date yet. Try her. Then all kinds of apologies and then after that I was the only person who wasn’t of the general character of the establishment. I would know a person and the person would know me and if I had a chance between waiting tables, I would sit down at the table and chat with whoever was lonely.

I got to know everybody who came in that place, just about. It was one of those in-bars for a certain crowd and so there were people that were there every night and I never, in all of the time that I worked there, experienced any kind of betrayal or any lack of respect. In fact, people treated me like a little princess. That is the truth. They treated me like C. had. To my mind, over-respecting, overdoing the ‘you are a really great kid.’ Making me feel very much wanted, and very much at home, and very much needed and treasured, etc. It was probably one of the most subjectively high in service-to-others’ jobs that I ever had because the gratitude was palpable on people’s faces when I would sit down and chat and they would not be alone with their sad lives and difficult emotions.

We all have sad lives. We all have difficult emotions. It doesn’t matter, and I can say that with authority, it doesn’t matter what side of the tracks. The defects and virtues of character don’t have anything to do with money. They have to do with very deep threads in your personality. You can be strange about money. You can be weird, and afraid, and hoard it and save it up. You can have different attitudes about money.

Your attitude is exemplary. Your tale was classic, the classic tale of southern poor. I have been to school with you. I have worked next to you. You and C. have a few things in common, even though his father worked all of the time and yours didn’t.

I learned even more about not having any money and what it does to you. I have always been poor, understand, in my own mind. I have never earned more than $400 a month before taxes. I did inherit Don’s estate when he died, but I immediately placed it outside of my own reach so that it would continue after I died to support our work because I felt very strongly at the time of Don’s death that is what this money should be used for. It was his life’s work and Jim and I have found it to be our path of service too so we pledged to make it our lives’ work. Really the years have done nothing to change our feelings about it.

I just don’t feel that I have any personal money. Like Jesus said, give all that you have away. Basically, my will says this goes to my husband after I die for L/L because I know that after he dies that somebody will have to be paid unless K. stays on to get out the mailings and edit the Lightlines material, etc. I have channeled enough material probably for the next 25 years if I stopped now, but it is just a matter of distributing it. It has to be charitably cost-effective.

The money thing about donations is a pistol. I admit it. It has caused more people more agony and it is so funny that it has, but I think the way I would want to deal with that would be to say, “Our books cost us between $2.50 and $3.50. It costs about $1.25 to mail something and it is our hope to be able to reprint each book from our donations, which means that we need to get some more than we spend so that we can save up and reprint a book when it is starting to go out of print.

The most expensive thing is printing it the first time. We tried to float a new book this year and it just didn’t fly. That is all right. It will be there and eventually it will fly. Like I said, we have the material. That is not a problem. It is just a problem of distribution.

The reason that we made the stuff free was that we realized that we hadn’t paid for it and we wanted to invoke the highest principle of which we were aware and that was the principle of free will. We thought that it was fair and ethical to say, “Here is our service to you. Read it.” I will admit that when people take advantage of that and order six copies of everything, that I go, “Hey, look at this guy. He is really pushing it, isn’t he?” Because he can’t use six copies of the same book. I don’t know what he is going to do, sell them or what.

If you add up $3.50 + $1.25=$4.75 and if you add in something for the kitty, well book stores double the price that they pay so we would charge about $10.00 for a book if we were charging retail, in spite of the fact that it only cost $4.75 because of the fact that we have to pay for envelopes, postage, reprinting of the books. There are expenses involved in keeping the charity going.

The way I feel about it personally has always tended towards being totally honest and just coming out with the facts like I just did. The law of free will, there is a real spiritual lesson to be learned here and I would really appreciate it if you would think about it.

You have a certain amount now. You are no longer desperate or helpless. You no longer have to be any particular way. You have come to terms with your life. You have come to terms with your husband. You have come to terms in your own way, and in your own time and as you preferred. You know how much money you have. You know what the book would probably cost, what the range is anyway in a bookstore.

This is not a big problem. This is finite. I don’t know why people make such a fuss over it, but they really want a price and I really don’t want to give a price because I want people to realize that money is a kind of energy. It is something to appreciate and maybe something to share. It is not something to twitch over. I mean either you can afford $1.00 or you can afford $2.00, $5.00, or $10.00. we just got a check for $300 yesterday. It blew my mind. Some lady ordered, I think, everything we had and sent the $300 and said she would send more.

For everybody that does that, I see that the law of free will in generosity it invoked you see. We claimed abundance when we said, “We are going to give it away, and we will take whatever donations are comfortable.” We claimed an abundance that we could not claim by asking any price. We said, “We trust everybody, regardless of the fact that we will be betrayed by a certain percent who will attempt to take advantage of our kindness.”

We have had people that are pretty outrageous and how much they want from us. We have prisoners who write us that want to live with us, and have us pay them money to work for us, or they want us to send them the books that are in our library because they are in such poor shape and they need it. They want us to send food and cigarettes, all manner of things, and you deal one at a time with these requests. We do the best that we can to keep our sense of humor, no matter what our service is. We have a fairly well-defined service. We are not in the business of giving out cigarettes.

That is what I want you to think about in terms of money.

I’d like to talk about your sense of humor and just note that I feel (I could be wrong and probably am) that you are beating yourself up a little bit with this humor of yours and it is that angry quality of it that I was reacting to, I imagine. I tell you this little secret: Here I am chatting with you and it looks like about an hour has passed, not quite forty-five minutes. I don’t know you. I know what you look like now because you sent me a picture. Thank you very much.

Basically as I do the letters with people, I am holding them in my hands, I am getting impressions off. I pretty well let my mouth run, trusting in basically my centeredness or the fact that I may have something to say.

I respond to people, not just what they say, but what I feel from reading it. I mean I allow myself to become engaged in other people’s experiences because I have found that to be extremely useful. I am a very tough person. There is no way that I am going to run out of me. I feel very sturdy in my selfness and I guess that is why I am very open, and I live an open life and I’ll do anything I can for anybody who is in front of my face. That is just the simple truth of it. I do not remember the letters.

I have enough people writing me at this point, and I say this with great gratitude for them, that I honestly don’t remember one from another until we have had a correspondence going for a couple of years and I have gotten a really good feel for that person’s distinct ….

My partner in life is up. Bless his sweet heart.

Beating yourself up with humor: yes, I have done it to myself too much. When you can’t do anything else, you can laugh. If you can laugh, you can survive, but I know well how angry that humor can be. I have been there. I just haven’t been there with the same circumstances. I have been there with the same feelings and I do notice the differences between us. You have been disadvantaged economically, socially and educationally. I think it is rotten and I don’t think it is a fair world.

That is the way it is here. It is not a fair world. That is the way this earth works, unfairly, unjustly. This whole life is a prickly pear punching us and punching us, to wake up and start processing this information.

One way that we can defend against complete spiritual, mentally and emotional drought is to have a sense of humor. A sense of humor is a great, great blessing and it is a survival tool, and that is what you are doing. You are using the humor to say, this, this and this happened. Isn’t that funny?

“I consider my mistakes hilariously funny when viewed on the other side of it.”

Okay, I accept that you see that. I think we all see the flak and existential humor of life. There is no exit. The basic existentialist thing is you create your life and then you die. It is not what you would call a real desirable situation. It is an illusion that says you are perishable when in your heart you know that you are imperishable. It is a very difficult illusion altogether and it is designed to make you uncomfortable enough to grow and think and I have been uncomfortable and you have too. I just want you to see that you don’t have to go over from having a rather detached, observer point-of-view and think of things are funny. You don’t have to go that little extra mile and have the angry part in there.

The angry part is anger at yourself, I think, and that is why it is destructive. It has to do with the fact that you were victimized as a kid and didn’t even know it. You were victimized as a wife and your response was gradual. It took you a while to work out your destiny. I happen to be aces high in running my own shit to the point where everybody, including you, throw their hands up and say, “You are hopeless.”

he truth of it is, I know precisely what it is I want to do and I do not look up or down on anybody. I am aware of the differences between people. I am aware of it because I have been made aware of it by people like you and C.F., who have had a painfully poor childhood and who request the right to feel disadvantaged. You have a right to feel disadvantaged. They have a right to feel disadvantaged. You have a right to feel that life is not fair and yes, it is funny but it is also sad. That is basically, I think, what I must have been after is just to see your self-worth; to allow yourself respect; to see yourself as whole and complete.

It doesn’t mean that you have to feel humorous about your mistakes. The whole idea of making mistakes is so that you will learn and mistakes are what our life is built on basically. We just keep making mistakes even if it kills us and finally something kills us.

I don’t think we want to talk about that any more because I sense in you a need for me to get off of it.

I just feel that you are a valuable person. I would be interested in notes from the road from you. I would be glad to share my notes back to you. We cannot have a useful relationship spiritually while you are touching me or I am touching you. You and I can bounce off of each other the honest awareness we have of each other and if we point up something that is truth, it will resonate to the other person. That is what mirrors are for.

I appreciate your being such a clear, honest, transparently service-to-others oriented. I see myself in you and I see yourself in me. We both have a tendency to be over-responsible. That is because we have had to be responsible when we were kids. I started baby sitting when I was seven and my brother was handicapped.

We just have this tendency to feel overly responsible because we are overly compassionate. We have a full heart and we are good people. Fine. I do not feel subjectively that I am careening down a mountain out of control. I feel that I am in the hands of the Holy Spirit. I feel that my life is directed by my desire to serve and my faith. I seek what I should do each day by looking in front of my face and I have the faith that what is in front of my face is what I should be doing. That is about as practical as one can get. I have always felt that way about life.

I have never had much ambition except spiritually I have wanted to seek the mystery; to worship; to be with the Creator. I have a very strong drive in that direction just to practice the presence.

To me, I don’t feel that I have done unto myself what you say. In other words, that I have gotten myself in a bad health situation by my thinking as an adult. I don’t feel that way. Whatever the truth of it is, I’ll know and you’ll know, for all that we will care, after this incarnation and it will be interesting to see how much of reality we have figured out from looking at the mystery. We just don’t know anything in this life, that is all.

Yes, I do take responsibility for other people. Yes, I help people in any way I can. Yes, I am very vulnerable to other people and very generous with them. Generous with my time, generous with my spirit, generous with my passion, compassion. Certainly generous with my time. I have given up my life to people that are floating out there in the New Age.

The way I see it for inside of myself, I am not having this out-of-control problem. I am out of the personal control and in the hands of a master controller, that is, the one Creator. If I can just do what is in front of my face and do the sensible thing. I feel fine about life. You see, my take on myself is—let me put it to you this way.

I get a letter about once a month, a really long letter from somebody that has been very upset by gazing at the soap opera revealed in the Ra material, and most concerned that I become well again. For a body that died at one time, I think I am doing well. I think it is a great body. It died because I had a lack of faith. I came back because I decided that I didn’t want to have a lack of faith. I decided I wanted to do my job.

But the lack of faith I had in praying to God when I was 12 ½, I am convinced, was the reason for the massive allergic reaction when I was 13 that caused the kidney failure. The kidney failure caused the arthritis, but it did not kick in until I went to work for Don Elkins and it was doing spiritual research. It kicked in then simply because left to myself, I would always be active. I loved to cook, to stitch. I can’t do any of those things any more. I loved to iron. I am one of those full simple packets on some levels.

I really enjoyed your talking about your life and found it another tale of incredible courage in terrible adversity. On page 8, you make a mistake. You said, “I was laying on the floor.” When I say that you seem very intelligent, I want you to realize, I know many engineers with advanced degrees who cannot spell, who do not have any grammar, who are functionally illiterate. They can do their engineering jobs. They can do the numbers and stuff, but they just can’t use the language. They don’t read. They watch television and here is eight pages of beautiful typing, really interesting style of writing, very relaxed and folksy and well written, well researched, good ideas, well presented. I was an English major sitting here telling you, believe it or not, you have a fairly high level of skill and you have that because of native intelligence, not because you had advantages. Anyway because you are the kind of person who will remember this, I will tell you.

If you put something down, you lay it down. It means the same thing as set. The past of lay is laid and the participle is laid, like I had laid it down a long time ago. The other one is lie and if you are the one who is lying down, it is lie, not lay. You don’t lay down. You lie down. The past tense of that is lay. That is where the confusion comes in and the participle is lain like I have lain here without sleeping for two hours.

I am telling you this, which I don’t usually say to anyone, because I figure that with your sense of humor and your quirky mind, you are going to see that my telling you that something is wrong, what I am actually saying is, everything else was right. Give yourself some credit. “You really got a yogi star when I am dead and in my grave.” You said that was her favorite thing to say. You really had a soap opera and a half and you are a very good heroine, a really beautiful person.

I think maybe the issue of control is something that maybe is a deep question for you incarnationally. Control and surrender, they seem to be in opposition and yet I have found the most peace and the most steadiness of life and purpose in surrendering control to my higher self, to a self that has intuitions far too deep for my conscious mind to grasp.

“Now then, do you have a more clear view of my understanding of the law of money?”

Yes, I do. I hope you understand our point of view and I understand yours. The vision that you had of me is rather beautiful. I really appreciate that. “All clothed in pure shining light.” The third density vision, however, of me lying motionless on the bed is incorrect. I do stay motionless most of the day because of the back problems that I am behind the power curve on it at this point, but I’ve got all kinds of determination. I’ll work this out yet.

I exercise hopefully six times a week. I work real hard at keeping my muscles going and after I do that, I just let it go. My diet is controlled by K., who runs the kitchen who is a health food nut so I just trust her. It is weird food, but I eat it. I feel that I am being good to myself that way. We have a wonderful spiritual business here. Jim and I decided to take in a third person about three years ago and we felt that K. was just the person and we asked her. She is the kind of very ethical person that wanted to be sure of her decision and she took about three years making it, which I approved of greatly.

When she came here, she knew what she was doing. She basically felt this was her path of service and she felt she had to come here. It was the only thing left that she had any faith in and basically, she didn’t know whether it was faith in Jim and me, or faith in the material, or both or just faith. There was something good here. This she knew so we are trying to be three people living on the same money that two people do. I pitched in, but not like you had to.

I am just about done here. I’ve got very few pages left. I am on page 15 now. Thank you for calling me a spiritual person. We all are. I like to be weird. It is fun. I think I have said everything I can about that sense of humor of yours and the way you can hurt yourself with it. If you don’t, don’t worry about it because it is not your truth.

“What is an intelligent person? I really have no understanding of just what that means.”

It means that your computer works. It means that you can sift information and come to a conclusion. It means you can make choices. An I.Q. test, and everybody my family had one when mother was going for her master’s degree in testing, clinical psychology. The I.Q. test is one manipulation after another. They ask you to say words in a row, just words, any words, and they count the words. If you have been around people that are talking a lot about things and talking about a lot of different things, then you will know more words. If you have a computer that works, you’ll remember things that you pick up and see. You’ll know those and be able to use them where somebody else is a little dimmer, the brain works a little bit slower, and simply cannot use the information that is coming through.

None of us can use all of the information that comes through. We use about one or two percent of the information we are processing with our senses. We have to throw out an awful lot so that we can get a reasonably simple view of reality. That is what the computer does. It makes choices and choices. That is our brain and that is our illusion. That is what we are here for and you have the tool of the trade and it will act. You can manipulate concepts and you will manipulate them in service-to-others and for the truth. That I have faith in.

As to the rest, my only comment is, there are things that you say over and over again. This is unacceptable to me. You say this over and over again. I think part of living is accepting the unacceptable and loving the unlovable. It is too bad that we all have to learn that one. So let things be unacceptable for now. I think you will find as you grow that you grow in compassion because you understand that people are imperfect and that the illusion baffles everybody in the end and turns us all into comedians. We just have to face up to that and go on.

That gives us a feeling of charity and compassion for other people because we know that we have screwed up and if we can screw up with our supposedly high ideals, anybody can.

I care. I am interested in what you have to say if what I had to say to you is of any interest, fine. What that different color that you saw was the different density of violet. I’ve seen that too. There is a density in which the light is alive and three-dimensional. I’ve seen that. The black/white thing is just simply too bright to see. For instance, in a fire it is very dark.

“Who are the people?” I don’t know. I don’t know what you belief system is. The people are subjectively relative to you so you have to decide what you think that visitation was. I don’t know everybody in the universe—even tall people with broad shoulders, slender hips and mandarin collars. Don’t know.

Likely they appear to you in a way that was subjectively meaningful to you as part of your growth so it is something for you to look at, and praise and live with. It is part of your experience. You can’t know where you stand all of the time. You are going to get surprises. Things are going to be confused, this being earth. They certainly do look alien to me. I think that you were attempting to express a feeling of utterness there somewhere in your subconscious.

“Carla must figure out just what Carla’s reality is and dedicate herself to that and let everybody else figure out what theirs is.”

Okay, I promise.

I am sorry about the elk. Let’s face it. Even the broccoli screams when you kill it, but I really hate the thought of killing bambi too and you did the best job you could with the difficult situation you had that the guy was going to shoot a deer no matter what. You made it a little bit more acceptable.

My friends are waiting for me. It is time now for me to go. I do wish you very well and hope that we can get beyond this. There is nothing in each other’s stuff. There is no percentage in that at all. It is better to just accept each other. Use each other as mirrors and find out where it hurts when the other person says this or that. Take it in and see. Is it true? Let’s be friends, is what I am saying. Let’s be spiritually-based friends. Let’s tell each other what is happening on our road. Let’s listen with compassion to each other when we have judgment. Let’s not try to control each other. Let’s just like each other. Okay?

That is about it. It’s full light now. Time to get to work on my day off. Having fun, eating doughnuts. Gosh, it is a hard day ahead! I’ll see you later.

Cheerio,

Carla

  Skip Navigation LinksL/L Research Carla’s Niche Letter Tapes November 10, 1989

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