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Carla’s Niche

Carla’s Letter Tapes

CAVEAT: Warning! These letters have not been edited by Carla. Expect errors.

Letter to BA

March 5, 1990

Dear B,

I had an unbelievable day full of doctor’s appointments and various other things and had come home feeling the effects of that and was thinking about the joys of lying down. I have a hospital bed in my living room now.

Just to set your mind at ease, I did not have a neck operation so I am not recovering from surgery at this point. If I have time in this tape, I will get to my complicated and boring story as people’s physical health problems are always boring.

To make a long story short about myself, no, I am not physically all right, but yes, I am fine. I am fine inside and I really want to address this problem. When we got home, I asked Jim to give me the letters that were addressed specifically to me. There are always a few that end up with me that are written to him, but they happen to be in an area of questions about channeling and questions about Christianity; just odd things that Jim feels my intuition will help with so I end up getting more mail than is just addressed to me. I take the ones that are addressed to me first, and five minutes ago when I read your letter, I was all just preparing to go to sleep and rest for a while. Jim is out playing basketball.

Then came your letter and I knew that I could not rest until I had spoken with you and attempted to give you tools, and resources, and most of all, the simple comfort of knowing that you are totally accepted by me in all of your seeming weaknesses or impurities.

I don’t believe in impurities. I believe that is what our culture calls things they don’t understand. I know that you are a pure seeker and I know from what you say that you definitely are being greeted psychically. I do not know whether it is by someone in the institution that would like to have a relationship with you. There are powerful negative entities and I would think that prison would be a good environment for one to flourish. They are incarnate because they are living on this earth to have the capability of causing, what you call, impure thoughts.

I would like to talk a little on the subject of masturbation. Not just the Episcopalian church, but many other denominations of Christianity have placed in their official By-laws that masturbation is a morally neutral act. There is nothing wrong with it. It is not impure. You have a red ray. You are cut off from any expression of it outwardly. It would be most unusual (I think priests have the same problem) if you were not plagued by the red ray desire to reproduce. The fact that you are homosexual in no way changes the red ray. Sexuality is sexuality. There are no homosexuals. There are only homosexual acts.

You are a person. This is very important. Don’t think of yourself as having impure thoughts. Think of yourself as a person who is being greeted psychically in an area where he is vulnerable. Psychic attack has its entrance into your field because of two things: Firstly, you have a weakness, a chink. I am so full of chinks that I look like Fearless Fosdick in the old Dick Tracy strip with bullet holes where you could see clear through him.

So constantly, I am getting various maladies intensified as it gets time for me to channel. I got so sick last night channeling for Sunday meditation that as soon as meditation was over, I had to run upstairs, and throw up and then lie down flat. I was very, very ill and it was just…I didn’t feel it at the time while I was channeling, but I had no physical energy at all. I was calling on my vital resources to do my work for the Creator, and so a good many physical things are going wrong with me right now.

You know, psychic greeting happens so don’t give into despair because you have chinks in your armor. We all have feet of clay. There is not a one of us that isn’t so ridden with secret iniquity, and sin or error, if you wish to use a New Age word. There is not a one of us that doesn’t make so many mistakes that we could never be worthy even to think of the Creator. We can’t pretend to be worthy. We cannot by any wisdom or knowledge become worthy. It is impossible not to sin. It is impossible not to make mistakes. We are not here to refrain from making mistakes. We are here to begin to grasp the lessons of Love.

The second component of psychic attack or greeting: that it is necessary for us to accept full greeting is fear. It must engender within you confusion, fear, self-doubt, concern for your own iniquities just as this greeting has done. It has been effective because you did not have the tools to deal with it satisfactorily.

When you are greeted by a negative entity, whether it be incarnate or discarnate, whether it be in flesh or a spirit without a physical body, it is in actuality, as are all things in the creation, a portion of yourself. It is made of love, love which has become twisted. It is like a tiny little, ugly deformed child that no one can love. You take that greeting in your arms mentally and you send it love because it is much more miserable than you will ever be. And you forgive it and you forgive yourself for having the impurity that allowed it to happen that you no longer have. That you have love. You forgive the sender, and you forgive yourself and you forgive the transaction for happening.

This is repetitive and sometimes a lengthy work. In other words, one transaction of offering forgiveness and love in exchange for a negative greeting will not stop the negative greetings. What it will do is lessen your fear so that the next psychic greeting is more recognizable as coming from a portion of yourself whom you do love and whom you take with you. You take that portion into yourself and say, “Yes, I am that too. And I forgive that.” This frees you from the compulsion to do anything about it, and the compulsion to have to react in the outer world to what is going on in your mind.

So number one, reduce the chink in your own armor by lifting yourself once. Don’t count yourself a homosexual because your sexual preference is new. You are perfect. You like to make love to men. You have the tendency towards homosexual acts, but you are no more a homosexual than I am a heterosexual. We are people. We are human. We have everything in common, including our love for sex. The object of that sex is irrelevant in terms of affirming and loving the red ray center, which is the foundation of survival and the opening, which is absolutely essential to spiritual growth.

If you are ashamed of your sexuality, you shut yourself down. You have blocked very effectively the amount of the ability that you have to work with an open heart because the energy is being blocked there and it is not getting to the green ray chakra. Therefore, you cannot open your heart with any real power and, of course, you cannot study. You can barely keep alive. Your red ray is being threatened. You must affirm your sexuality. Home, hetero, bi, who cares? I don’t care.

It is all a matter of giving and receiving pleasure; of expressing the tenderest and most cherishing love. It can be the most noble of exchanges between two people and that doesn’t mean that it has to be a man and a woman. Personally, I like to make love to men so much that I am probably about 99.94% a person who has heterosexual tendencies, but that doesn’t make me better or different than you. It makes me luckier in terms of this culture, which accepts heterosexuality, but there have been other cultures in which homosexuality was completely accepted.

Read some of the old Greek like Socrates and Plato. Homosexuality was a definite option and not judged one way or the other. Respect your red ray. If you wind up thinking about nothing but sex and you can’t go to sleep because you have a hard on, masturbate. That is all right.

I very seldom have to, but I think women have a different rhythm than men and Jim, I have Jim who satisfies me when we do make love, which is fairly frequently. So my needs are pretty well taken care of unless I just happen to be in heat one day when he is not. If that is true, then I offer this energy to God humbly and as sincerely as I can, and I pray as I complete the masturbation process in the form of an orgasm that I may learn from this experience the fire and passion of the love that created me. We have been told that orgasm is love in a steady state.

In other words, the Creator’s expression of love is that powerful at all times. So what we are doing does not have to be a secret sin or vice. We do not have to think of it that way.

You are a young man. You have appetites. This is natural. Accept yourself for that. Accept your situation. There is not much you can do except masturbate if you feel that your mind is dwelling upon it and your body is giving you aches from the thoughts. Ease the body’s aches; ease the mind’s preoccupation and get on with things. Affirm and accept your sexuality.

In a practical sense, you are absolutely right. People don’t understand homosexuality one bit; mostly I think because there are fewer homosexuals than there are either heterosexuals or bi-sexuals. And even a lot of people who have homosexual feelings, because of their fear of those exact same feelings, are the ones who speak out the most strongly against homosexuality and call it a sin. People fear what they cannot understand.

I think that I have a grasp on sexuality and I don’t think it matters one hoot, one little tiny iota, what the object of your passion is. It is the same—a reflection in the basic red ray energy center of the passion the Creator feels for us, the enormous joyful love the Creator that created all that there is. I will not allow anyone to sit and talk about things that are dirty in my presence.

I do not think anything is dirty. What I mean is, I do not think anything has to be dirty. A person who practices homosexuality between two people over a long period of time is a path to the immediate knowledge of the Infinite Creator.

Jim and I have vowed that at some point before we die, we will write a book on this to be published after our deaths because we don’t want to be involved in the prurient interests of a public terribly unused to thinking of sex in any way, but manipulation, adversary relationships, one person gaining advantage over another, things like that.

The thought that sex could be spiritual is a very foreign thought to most people. But it is my honest belief (now are you interested in such a flat opinion? If it doesn’t make sense to you, you don’t have to pay any attention to it.) This is what I think.

There is one thing that you are doing that you really must avoid because thoughts are things. When you masturbate, do not think about anybody that you know personally. Envision a fantasy person—somebody off of a calendar or out of a newspaper that you have never seen, don’t know his name, or make up somebody, or just focus on the feeling of feeling good. But don’t involve a real person in your fantasy because that will draw the person to you. That person will not understand why he is drawn to you, but you are creating a magical link between the two of you if you masturbate while envisioning a real person.

That is a bad mistake. You don’t want that to happen because temptation can come very close if you attract the very person you have been envisioning wanting. Always envision a fantasy figure. Somebody who doesn’t exist, will never exist, somebody completely other than any familiar face, or person or personality that you know. That way you are not infringing, even mentally, on the free will of the other person. It is simply a question of infringement of free will and it is very bad spiritual practice to involve any other person in such an envisioning.

That is the one warning that I would give you. Yes, this is not correct. This is not right. This is to be avoided at all costs. If you find yourself thinking about one person, distract yourself. Don’t let it happen. Your thoughts are stronger than you know. Just be lost in the wonder of the joy of the feeling, the sexual arousal, excitement, the climax and then give it to the Creator.

Make of it an act as holy as you know you are. Nothing can be divorced of the Christ. There is nothing separate from the love of God and you are not hopelessly sinful. You are just a human being.

I suspect you are absolutely correct in feeling that you have gotten a little bit of negative attention. It is not very high grade negative attention, thank heavens, but it could do you a great deal of damage. Remember not to see these as

“attacks” because that suggests fear. Remember to see these as “greetings” from a very twisted, distorted perception of love. It is hard to think of very, very negative things as being love, but that is all that there is in the universe. It is just that love can be twisted in many, many ways by the indulgence in the chaos of unguided free will.

You have the desire to guide your free will so that it changes from willfulness into willingness to serve. You have the desire to discipline your personality to be a servant of the Creator and the more you get a feeling within yourself of your own worth, the worth of your intentions (perhaps not your action on any one day), the better you will feel about yourself on a bad day.

Let’s put it this way. There is a part of you that is the boss, that is judging and governing your behavior. It wants it to work in a certain way. Do you want to be a good boss or do you want to be a rotten boss? Do you want to take an employee that is having a terrible time, feeling bad, make that employee work all the time? Do you want to take an employee that is desperate and in despair and make him do the level of work that he can do when he is in good health? If that person needs some time off, do you want to be the kind of boss who says, “No. You have no time off.” Of course not, you want to be a good boss.

Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself. Encourage yourself. Let yourself rest by the side of the road when it becomes too dusty. If I did not this capability of allowing myself to rest, I think I would be out of my mind by now because so often in eight hours, the eight hours I set for myself to work in, I can get perhaps one thing done. I just don’t feel well enough to do more and it has been years, and I mean long years, that it has taken me to learn that I was being a very cruel boss to myself. Very cruel. Instead of just saying, “Oh, you poor thing. You are an idiot having the equivalent of a metaphysical fool here. Would you please go home, go to bed, drink liquids and watch TV and sort of binge out until you feel better. Why are you driving yourself like this?”

When I finally got that concept in my head, I realized I didn’t want to be that kind of a boss. I wouldn’t do it to an employee. I would be very sympathetic to a troubled employee. I would urge that person to take it easy.

You are your own employee. We all are in this life really. Choose to become kinder to yourself. Forgive yourself, nurture yourself, comfort yourself and open yourself to the Creator at all times. The Creator doesn’t care that you have a few warts here and there. We all do. It loves the warts and all. It loves us for our warts or any other part of us. I don’t think the Creator sees us as being partially good and partially bad. I think the Creator sees us as unique and interesting.

What we want to do is to see ourselves in a light of creating a life that is like a tapestry or a poem that is beautiful. We want to live in a beautiful way and this means, among other things, removing from ourselves the necessity to fear. We have nothing to fear. Our body can be grounded. It can be imprisoned. Many things can happen to it, the worse of which in most people’s minds, is the death of the physical body. The death of a physical body is a time of rejoicing for that is the entrance to larger life.

I don’t know if I have given you this prayer before, but I will say it to you again and it may help you at times like this:

Oh Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is discord, let me sow union,
Where there is hatred, love,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is sadness, joy.
Lord, let me seek not to be understood,
But to understand,
Not to be loved, but to love,
For it is in consoling that we are consoled.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is in giving, that we received, and
It is in dying, that we rise to eternal life
with thee.

I say this prayer a good many times when I prepare for channeling. I have found it to be a very powerful one. It pretty well says it all in the service-to-others mode.

I see that you have a fear of Love speaking to you. You have help in learning not to fear. You have someone saying, and I quote, “No. Remember love, light (inaudible due to kitchen noises)” that is inestimably precious. Many people do not realize that they have that kind of help available and are not able to hear those still silent words of comfort and consolation.

You have got a lot going for you, B. and I have faith that you will be able to meet this new challenge, and that is all that it is—a challenge. It is not an attack. It is a learning experience with the same forthright intelligence, and determination, and persistence and just plain grit with which you have so faithfully worked during the time I have communicated with you.

When thoughts come into your head that you know are not your thoughts, and this is apart from visions where you want to do something about it, but you are just thinking, like you said. Thoughts would come into your head. Do I want to be on the service-to-others path or do I want to be on service-to-self path? You knew perfectly well that was not your thought. After you have gone through the process of forgiving the sender, and forgiving yourself and forgiving the whole transaction, there is a protection that you may use that I use all of the time. It is simply to take one’s hands in front of one, and draw a circle about one, reaching the hands all the way in back of one and touching them in back, making a very wide, basically a six foot circle around yourself, and you say, “I am a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ,” or you may say whatever you are a servant of: the Creator in service to others. However you wish to put it, but it must be service-to-others.

Then you say, “I am a servant of Jesus the Christ or (fill in the blanks), whom I serve with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. I draw this circle of light around me in the name of Jesus Christ () and to cross it, no mortal error dares to set its foot.

This is a protection that is very strong for about four hours. You may find yourself awakening in the middle of the night needing to do that again. Begin with the Lord’s Prayer, do this and end with the Lord’s Prayer. I believe that you will feel the comfort of being in the arms of the Infinite Creator and nourished by your declaration of service and by your sureness of that protection when it is claimed. “For He shall give his angels charge over you to keep you in all your ways, lest you dash your foot against a stone.”

Mendelssohn set that to music and I wish I could sing four parts. I would sing it for you. It is very beautiful and it is in the oratorio Elijah so if your library happens to run to such arcane records or tapes, you can listen to it and listen to that beautiful song that is part of the oratorio.

I think it is in Elijah. It could be in Brown’s Requiem. I haven’t sung either in a couple of years so I am a little fuzzy. Anyway, it is quite beautiful.

Realize that when you get a thought like that, it is a thought form against which you need to build an impersonal kind of protection, a magical kind of protection. You can also call on the archangels. I find this to be of help during every Sunday night. I do not do the entire ceremony that we used to do with the Ra material at the beginning of every work session. But I do say, “Before me, Rafael, behind me Gabriel, on my right hand, Mikiel and on my left hand, Ariel.” And I ask them for their protection as I do my work. When you feel that you are in a challenging situation, it may comfort you a great deal to invoke these presences because they are most spiritually high, and loving and are really the archetypal principles of earth, air, fire and water. They are the spirit of all that there is and they are all part of Love.

And so, B., are you. You are not weak. You won’t give in to these things. I just hope that you can begin to think of masturbation as the morally neutral act that so many churches have declared it to be, and get rid of that old bugaboo about its being sinful or all of those old wives’ tales they used to say about people who masturbate.

Masturbation is healthy. It is a natural release, and a natural desire and it harms no one, but don’t think of anybody. Don’t interfere with anybody else’s free will. Keep your thoughts private. Keep your stimulated thoughts impersonal or at least not of anybody that you know whom you would like to become in contact with at any time.

You ask, “What are the preincarnative lessons that I drew to myself?”

By being one capable of homosexual rather than heterosexual acts of love, probably feelings of self-worth. It is very difficult to feel very worthy when you are in a culture that denies almost anyone who does the homosexual act dignity, or integrity, or self-respect and even called such criminalism.

I remember when we were in Georgia, it was against the law to engage in sexual acts in any position other than the missionary position, much less, homosexual. We are talking about the responding little varieties of heterosexual acts that everyone enjoys from time-to-time unless somebody has got something stuck up their you-know-what—too anal retentive for words. Afraid to try anything. I guess there are a few people like that. No so much any more. I think people are a little looser about trying various things and seeing what they like to do. There is more of a permissiveness, I think.

Not necessarily in the number of partners. I would say that in the sixties it was a lot more permissive than it is now in that when one began to make love, one would make love less discriminately. Now, people seem to be making love earlier in life, but they are also attempting to make a mated relationship out of that, and not be promiscuous and I think that the reason for that is as clear as the nose on your face. It is called AIDS as well as a full panoply of other sexually related diseases, which are scary enough in and of themselves. Of course, all of the old favorites, so I think Nature has sort of corrected the tendency towards the kind of uncaring, sexual acts that were the least spiritual of all possible sexual acts, just the promiscuous lust.

I think that the act was meant to be an act of great cherishing and love of the self, of the other self and of the Creator. I think that we need to respect, and love that part of ourselves, and be proud of it and see it shining as brightly as any other energy center.

I think that undoubtedly part of what you are here to learn is to love yourself; to be independent of your foster brothers; to refuse to buy the guilt trips that have been given to you by authority figures throughout your life.

I know two homosexuals whose parents accept them. Both of them are extremely adjusted to society. One of them is a business consultant. With his intuitive faculties, he is able to go into a troubled business, pick out the things that are wrong and fix them. He is marvelous that way and I am sure that part of what makes him desire men instead of women is that part of himself, which is intuitive, is gentle and sweet.

You love to work with children, and how many men do you know, big macho types named Tex and Stud, that like to work with small children. You have a nurturing nature. You probably have spent a lot of incarnations as a woman and you are probably trying a very hard incarnation this time and are trying to graduate. That involves loving the last person that you have not loved yet, not actively. People think that this is an egotistical promotion of self, but loving oneself as part of the Creator is the foundation for all of the work that one can do.

If we do not think that we are lovable, if we do not realize that the Creator loved us first and all we are doing is responding to that love by answering it with love of our own, we are lost. Because in truth, none of us is very lovable. You know, it said in the Bible very clearly, “If you sin in your heart, it is the same thing as sinning regularly,” so you see, we are hopeless without the love of the Creator. It is impossible to earn that love. We can never gain that perfection by wisdom, or

Learning, or understanding or knowledge. We only become perfect as we realize that the perfect Christ dwells within us and so we discipline our wayward personalities more and more so that that impersonal inner-self may shine through.

And when we reach the capacity to love ourselves in all of our dirt, and filth, and all our mistakes and errors, we need have no fear. The Creator is always with us. We always have the right to choose.

The worse anybody can do to us is kill us or hurt us. This is minor in the life of an eternal spirit. And whenever these fears may come upon you, whenever you are greeted, remember who you are. You are not a shadow that lives and dies. You are an imperishable spirit of light. You are part of that creation that God loves and you are creating a life full of love for Him to return.

Being in an all-male prison and being a homosexual is rather putting the icing on the cake as far as it being hard. You did create for yourself a very difficult lesson, but since you conceive of this act in its active stage as a mistake, then I would advise you not to do it; not to put it into practice because if you consider something a mistake, it is a mistake. It is your creation, nobody else’s. You make the rules, nobody else does.

People can make outer rules and they can govern your body, but they cannot govern your mind, or your spirit or your emotions. You are the one who either willfully governs them according to the varying winds of choice and change, or regard to polarity, or who chooses to make the choices that will make the self feel more and more a servant of the one Infinite Creator. If you do not feel that these acts make you more a servant of the one Infinite Creator, and I’ll have to agree with you, it would spell doom for the good that you are doing in prison to be thought of as a homosexual person. Then simply don’t do them.

Don’t deny yourself masturbation. Masturbation is not dirty. Nothing is dirty. Only people can make things dirty. The act is instinctual; the urge is simple red ray survival. So believe in your own worth and if you need to release that energy, release it in the name of Love, the love of the Creator, and grow in your awareness of the incredible intensity of the love the Creator had as he created you and all that there is.

I am glad, too, that you have me to talk to. There aren’t too many people…for one thing, I guess there aren’t too many people who have known homosexuals and lived in their shoes, listening to them talk for enough hours really to grasp the principle at hand, and that is, that being a homosexual is no different at all than being a heterosexual. It is just a choice of a different partner.

If you and I were to go to see “Gone With the Wind,” we’d both like Clark Gable. It is just as simple as that. It is the same desire to give yourself pleasure. There is really nothing very mysterious about it and it doesn’t make you different from me.

I am glad that I was here when you were going through this because this is not something that you should go through by yourself. My faith and love are with you and I know that there are many who are in the same situation and don’t have this kind of advice that are giving themselves all kinds of bad trips.

I need to stop now. Thanks for the photo and I’ll get back to you maybe tomorrow morning or maybe I’ll just send this along now and tell you about my health real fast.

I didn’t have a neck operation because I finally got the surgeon to admit that all it would do is stabilize the neck. It wouldn’t help the pain. The pain is incredible. It has taken me weeks just to be able to think again through it, and it doesn’t show any signs of letting up. On top of that, it has caused my sinuses to become infected and I can’t hear very well or see very well and I am very dizzy, but I am not in the hospital and I have not had an operation.

That is apparently several years down the road because they said that what is causing the pain and all of that is further down in the spine and is not operable at this time. They can’t get to it without harming the spinal cord. Something else has to happen before they can operate, so I just have to live with it. Suck it in and tough it out. I have been doing it for years. This is the hardest challenge I have had yet though, I’ll admit that. It is a real bongaroo.

I do seem to have something wrong with my tummy—something that went wrong during the operation on my gall bladder and I am going through a series of tests now to find out if that is, indeed, so and if I have to have another operation to remove some adhesions or blockage or something like that. So that is my situation.

Basically I have been told to lie in one place, absolutely still, no exercise—don’t even sit up. I have a hospital bed in my living room, which I have artfully disguised as a piece of furniture, I hope, with all kinds of afghans and throws and stuff so it doesn’t look clinical, and Jim has built me an even better nest than I had when I had my couch. When I get too much in pain to work any more, I just roll it down and go to sleep. Because then when I wake up, I am okay and I am ready to go again. I roll it back up and go again.

I have not been able to eat anything but clear liquids for a few days now. Anything else just comes right back up. My stomach is rejecting food again, so I am sort of in for another siege. I don’t know how long it is going to be. There may be surgery involved or they may not be able to find it. I don’t know. but I do have faith that everything has its purpose and you asked me, “How can you motivate yourself spiritually?” You are motivated spiritually. You have an intense desire to spiritualize your life.

Don’t be fooled by that part of yourself that is in common with all of the rest of us poor bozos on the bus. We are all human. We are all imperfect. That doesn’t mean that our intentions, necessarily, are imperfect. Oscar Wilde once said, “We are all lying drunk in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

Just keep looking at the stars, B. Let your inner wisdom guide you.

Lots of love. Jim sends his love too and the kitty cats. Take care of yourself; be good to yourself; and be careful. This is a time of initiation. You are worthy. It is simply a matter of having the faith. Don’t allow fear to creep in because you are a creature of Love.

Hug those things you fear to you, knowing them for what they are, poor sad distortions of the Love of the one Infinite Creator. And when you genuinely love, that poor creature will run from you as if you smell like a skunk. You can’t do it in order that the creature will run away, you understand. That is not real love. You have to really love and really understand that you are one with it.

Carry on, old chap. I am going to get this off to you in the mail because I feel you need this post haste. Thank you for telling me that this is in care of Rev. J. B. Please tell me in every letter you ever send me, because my memory is dog food. I am a very nice person. Everybody loves me, but nobody trusts me without a piece of paper in my hand.

I shall have my supper, which is a wonderful collection of bouillon, tea, a little milk to take my pills and some ginger ale. Maybe a pop cycle for dessert, because that is a clear liquid too.

So I am saying good-bye. Jim says Hi.

Cheerio. God bless.

Carla

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