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Carla’s Niche

Carla’s Letter Tapes

CAVEAT: Warning! These letters have not been edited by Carla. Expect errors.

Letter to SH

April 4, 1991

Dear S,

Well, S, you caught me at another great moment. I’m down to two letters; one of which is to a real close friend of mine who wants to write a novel about the Crusades, of which she knows nothing about. I told her I would be glad to help her write—I could do characters, I just wasn’t any good at plot, but the novel she wants to write would take maybe two years of research. Anyway, I’m going to have to ponder how to handle this because I don’t want to discourage her and at the same time as a person who has written in days long ago, short stories and fiction, I know that unless one is quite familiar with the entire milieu of the period, one is not going to write a very interesting novel, or at least not satisfactory from my point of view, and I think hers too, she’s a very exacting person, perhaps more so than I.

So I’ll have to hit her with all that and I’ll have to think of what would be the best way, and the other one was from a reader who sent me two letters in two days. I answered the first one and I figured the second one can wait until I’m done with everything else, due to the fact of how would I have anything to write about after one day.

Okay, you always make my day when you send a letter because you ask questions of substance with a reliability that is very comforting to me. I feel very much a colleague and very much that I’m not boring you, and really to most people this particular line of inquiry as to ultimate things or the essence of things or the Noumenal which lies behind all of the illusion, doesn’t make much sense at all. It doesn’t seem to be necessary. I know most people don’t have to go through a lot of thinking processes in order to come to a grappling with the very foundations of what they are perceiving and what they are feeling because it pulls one toward the infinite and yet that which is infinite is also unseen.

That which is absolute is unseen in this density, in this illusion, in this life. One can have an idea about perfect justice but obviously in spite of great efforts by some of the best minds in history, we have not yet found out how to purely effect justice on earth. Just as an example take any subject, we’re not living up to the ideals because they’re not possible in this illusion in a pure state. If you try to be that pure on behalf of the entire nation/state, you’d just burn up like a moth in a flame.

You can be absolute and pure for yourself but really not where other people and institutions are concerned. You have to listen to what they are saying and listen to the situation pragmatically and see what kind of a “best” compromise you can make with various people’s needs, whether you approve of their needs or not.

And that brings me to what I wanted to preface this letter by: Please realize that I care very much what S1 thinks and what S1 can trust and that is why I have enclosed a letter to her. It took me a while to write it. I can’t write very long at one time but I felt that it was essential that she have something in her hand from me. Basically, an invitation to come see me. I think anybody that would come and see me would have a lot of comfort about knowing that I wouldn’t do something like seduce you, either physically, intellectually or spiritually.

I’m not a person that tries to hold people to her, I just like to help people. I don’t have ulterior motives. I get a lot of feedback. I get a lot of thanks, I get a lot of kind thoughts, but they aren’t personal precisely, they are more in appreciation of the character that I am, or that I have, and that doesn’t really have a lot to do with being a woman or being attractive or anything that would go into S1’s perceiving me as some kind of a not good influence, or, for sure, if she came to meet me it would become fairly evident that I’m not off my rocker, because here I am. All I can say is that when people talk to me they don’t end up thinking that I’m off my rocker, they end up thinking “Well, she’s a little eccentric, but she’s sort of interesting.” Women, especially. I have lots and lots of women friends, and I don’t think I’ve ever had one of them jealous of me. There isn’t any reason for it.

I see us as two colleagues working together, sharing notes from the road. You’re doing more of the questioning; I’m doing seemingly more of the answering. But I think the answering opens up more questions to you. So if you would feel okay about this, I would appreciate it if you would give S1 the letter so she can see I do care about what she thinks and I do care about her special relationship to you, and that I very much want to set her heart and mind at ease and at rest as far as I’m concerned. Really, I can’t say it any more clearly than that. The ethical impasse that is otherwise reached is one I really would prefer not to examine because if she is entirely in disagreement and you accept that from her then I also need to accept that from her and stop working with you. The loss of my offering my thoughts to you would be infinitely less than the loss of your wife’s feeling of closeness to you, because you say “Well, I don’t care what you think, I’m just going to go on with this correspondence.”

Let her read the letter. Let her ask anything she wants. I am so sorry about her Dad. But if she’s going to be in town, and actually if you get this job at U of L, which would be great, great, great, we could use a good person in our meditation group. Obviously, we don’t advertise locally so most of the people that come to see us, the extra one from just Kim, Jim and me, and it would be nice to have somebody local besides just a couple of people who have been in this so long they don’t have any real questions about it—they’re coming for the comfort of the messages and inspiration, and you being a question asker par excellence, I think that it would be a tremendous asset to our meetings.

But I do care about S1, I really do, and for my own conscience to be at rest I need to know that it’s okay. I hope you can understand this. I value her and I value her in your life and the home you’ve made and the love you’ve shared and the living you’ve done together.

Conversations about philosophy admittedly are not something I can easily see as being something to be upset about, but I really think that the shortcut to the whole thing is to have her just come and see me. My situation at this time is that I really can’t move anything except my arms up to the elbow. The whole upper body is just wiped out right now, and it may stay that way, it seems to be intractable, but that’s all right. I really do trust my Lord and the way he offers me is the way that I will go, and whatever it looks like from the outside I have found out again and again there are infinite treasures in that situation and I find it true now.

I’m not taking any pain medication because I want to evaluate my relationships with Jim at this point. I’d felt a couple of weeks ago that I was perhaps being too intrusive with this situation of mind that instead of Jim’s hearing me talk about the affairs of the day he was hearing too much about how I felt, and it was really making him feel frustrated because he couldn’t do anything and just a lot of feelings like that. So I started being off the pain medication which makes me pretty fuzzy in comparison to what I am straight. Demerol has never been known to improve the mind and actually it doesn’t do all that much for pain either, at least the kind I’m experiencing due to swelling of the soft tissue in the neck onto the spinal nerves. Pretty wowish!

But the treasures are there. You just have to be aware of them. One treasure is that I can look at what’s going on and do something positive—find a positive option to the situation. I can treat Jim better and that relationship is central to me. If I don’t do anything else in this world I want to treat Jim as well as anyone ever possibly could. He is an absolute dear and I love him with great abandon. And I am very sorry for being in this situation and causing him to have to take up so much slack because about all I can do is what I’m doing right now—work with my voice.

I can push down the buttons on a tape recorder and thank God for television. I watch cable with a lot of old movies and escapist stuff that has no particular inherent value but it does distract and I need that. I think sometimes that what we need is a little distraction and to relax a little—at least I do because I lead my life as intensely as possible and sometimes I just have to let that other dynamic flow in and just relax. I can work about an hour a time and I can do about two work sessions a day.

When I get one of your letters I’m generally able to do a bit more than that for the simple reason that the question that you ask are so pertinent that I am not on my soap box as much as with people that write me with real need, such as “There’s a ghost in my house, what should I do?” or “Somebody’s put a spell on me,” or “I’ve been channeling the Virgin Mary,” things like that; really needy people that are just floundering. You certainly aren’t floundering, as a matter of fact, I’m not sure you have any need to flounder.

Jim has taken over all the household stuff for me. I still have to tell him where things are and what to do, but within the year that will not be necessary. He will have learned everything. It’s just so I can write what I need to write, like the letter to S1, or thanks to somebody for sending a sweet card (we get lots of those), or to someone who has found the material helpful and sometimes Jim doesn’t feel the need to acknowledge that, but I do, just to say thank you, because that’s what we want to do, just put it out to people in case it might help them. Not that we think it will help them, but it might. So that is pretty much our life.

People write such very kind things. I guess I’m just a person-to-person kind of person. I guess it’s a very Cancerian kind of thing. I want to let them know that I really appreciate it—that it helps to keep us going that someone is finding our work of some value.

I think I’ve explained as well as I can about S1. From my point of view I don’t know what you will think—I imagine you’ll be somewhat confused. You have every right to talk to anybody you want—it’s not that I’m questioning your liberty, it’s just my own ethical pattern to avoid any perception on another woman’s part that there’s something between me and herself, or her boyfriend, or whatever relationship they’re in which would smack of any kind of distancing him from her. To me, this is not ethical and I have to bow to S1’s feelings on this.

Now you said in your letter that you’re a pretty passive person. You might consider just exactly how you feel about this and what you think the good is. Don’t try to convince her about me, she’s going to have to come and see me face to face, I think, to see that’s it’s kind of a joke (laughs) to be at all worried about me. I’m extremely married and pushing fifty, and not great looking to begin with and it hasn’t gotten any better (laughs), so it’s a compliment I don’t deserve.

I’ll leave you with that, whatever you feel you need to talk with S1 about, maybe now is the time to be more of a partner, to try to engage in more of a person-to-person communication about “Listen, I need this,” like a subscription to a magazine or something like that—a magazine that you happen to know in person—I’m sort of in that category because I’m talking philosophy, or cosmology, or spiritual principles, that sort of thing.

I tried to explain briefly to her that the reason that you write to me is because of the nature of his studies and I see that there are two ways to go. If a scientist is really honest about what he knows he knows that the entire ball of wax or scientific study is empirically based, that is, observation has shown it to be accurate in repeated observation. And that leaves a lot like first causes, the Noumenal, the mystery and scientists generally respond in one of two ways. One way is Albert Einstein’s way—he was a mystic, very devout, or your way, which is the way of wisdom, which is to try to move towards some knowledge of this Noumenal through use of the rational mind and sort of listening to ways to move, not from the rational mind, but to have the rational mind to begin to hook up with or be harnessed to the heart. The wisdom of the self, the intuition, the part of you that knows things, like “I like this, this makes sense to me, I think that this is the truth.”

So, on to your matter, which I thank you very much. You said you were surprised—no, you said you were dismayed by the revelation that the Ra Material was seeming new to you, and you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s new to everybody, every time. That seems to be the nature of spiritual writings in general—if they are worth the name—that where you are at one point when you read it is not where you are at another time that you read it. Your needs have changed, you, yourself have changed, this is information that has many levels.

Every time you go through it you’ll find new things—things that leap out at you because that’s what you need right then. So you certainly are paying attention, but what you don’t realize is that the process of change has carried you to another place on the shore of the great ocean of mystery so it doesn’t look precisely the same, you don’t see the same headlands or the islands or the same shoals or the same color ocean. That’s all bias. So your biases have begun to change. So the internal topography and geography begins to change and you see things within your eye and hear within your ear and you understand with new understanding.

You certainly are paying attention and I hope that you will not be discouraged. It was something I have heard so many times from people that I am bound to consider it true. Read it, I don’t care of it’s the 37th time, you’re going to be digging things out of it that you didn’t mine before. It is a rich load and I’m really privileged to have been a part of bring it through. It certainly has been worth it all.

Now, these are questions from the Law of One, starting with (the way they were in your envelope). You’re pulling on some fairly complex questions but I will do my best—please excuse me if I seem to ramble on but your questions are very general and insightful at the same time, so it’s a matter of choosing my vocabulary carefully and in order to do that I tend sometimes to walk down this lane and that lane looking for a way that will help you cross this or that fence.

Okay, let’s tackle freewill and determinism. You were quoting “There is nothing random about this or any portion of evolution.” Here is my understanding of what Ra has to say about it which actually has not been consistent with Christian theology in the most general sense, certainly not fundamentalist Christian but I happen to belong to a church, the Episcopalian Church, which has a lot of mystics in it and tolerates them so that my priests, far from telling me not to do it (channel) any more, checks my material as it comes out in the Light/Lines and if he discovers that I’m starting to do things that he doesn’t think are helpful as far as being Christian in love and caring and so forth, he will tell me. And believe me, he will tell me. We have a very strong relationship and I’ve been at Calvary since 1968, if that gives you some idea. And I think he’s a mystic himself.

Okay, here’s my concept of freewill and determinism. Freewill is paramount. That’s absolutely true. In order to grasp the solutions to the dynamic or the antithesis between determinism and freewill one has to posit a self that was there in contact with the Creator before this incarnation. We pick our parents, we pick our problems, we pick the fears that we need to have in order to develop biases that will lead us in directions that will teach us about love. All the lessons of this illusion are about love. How to love without expectation of love in return. How to love the unlovable, how to accept the unacceptable. Just how to love, unselfishly and quite often sacrificially.

So we set ourselves up in a general we-will-learn-this-lesson type mode so that things are drawn to us, not because they’re out there and we couldn’t but help pay attention to them, but because the biases of our mind and our experiences pull us to those patterns or pull those patterns to us, that we might perceive something through some kind of fear quite differently from someone else. That is not a tragedy because each person has his own path, each person has his own lessons and there are so many lessons about how to love.

Sometimes it has to do with letting go of power, sometimes it has to do with trusting, sometimes it has to do with being able to expect nothing in return. But if you look at a challenging situation and say “All right, where is the lesson of love here, what loving thing can I do here?” then a lot of times a situation will fall fairly rapidly into place and let you see what you really wish to do.

So if we get this pattern of experience once and we don’t use that experience, we get bitter, we get turned off, we get soured on whatever lesson we are trying to learn and we walk away from it, we’re going to meet it again. I think it’s so sad when people get divorced and then remarry because what they’re doing is packing themselves up in a suitcase, going to somebody else’s house and unpacking the same doggone suitcase. You can’t leave yourself behind. And you, yourself, is going to draw that same lesson to you again, only this time it will be a little bit harder. Every time you refuse to learn that lesson, it gets a little bit harder, but it gets repeated.

So there is a certain amount of destiny or fate or predetermined lessons to learn but there is absolutely no determined method of learning them or a length of time in which you have to learn them or you’ve had it, the Lord won’t love you any more. It’s not like that. We have freewill in this illusion, we can choose at all times. There is this wonderful Episcopalian hymn: “Once for every man and nation comes the moment to decide, in the strife twixt truth and falsehood, for the good or evil side. One great cause …” a lovely hymn that’s not in the new hymnal. Andy Roonie even talked on national TV about that hymn not being in the new hymnal and I was with him 100%. Something about it not being theologically correct—“the once” part.

Every moment is a new moment so once is always in terms of spiritual lessons. There is always a beginning, it’s just how you perceive and I’ve been fascinated with that all my life. So for instance, with me, I discovered long ago when Don was doing his search on people from other planets and he got me hypnotized and I had chosen my parents strictly because I wanted to express love without any expectation of return. They’re both alcoholics—Mother is now a recovering alcoholic, my Dad died not too many years ago, still a confirmed alcoholic. A great guy and I loved him dearly. But he didn’t do with that life time perhaps what he wanted to, I don’t know. But he sure tried hard and he sure did learn tolerance and generosity, I could really see my parents struggling against each other and with each other. They were badly mismatched from the beginning.

At any rate, they were much too self-absorbed to do anything but just ask me to do this and do that and then bawl me out if I didn’t, and it was not an easy way to come up, but it was an extremely helpful in terms of the way I’m able to deal with my situation now because at an extremely young age I was asked to take a much more responsible position than is given to people my age (at 7) to baby sit a very sick little boy who might swallow his tongue. My brother was spastic when he was born due to the doctor thumping him on the head with his forceps by mistake and pushing in right at the fontanel. It popped out when he was almost five and he’s okay now, but his whole experience was like four years behind himself—his teeth came in four years later than everyone else, things like that.

I did that pattern really well with them. I did love them. I did not like them, but I think that has more to do with the illusion than with spiritual lessons. You can’t really help your biases. If you don’t like lies, you don’t like liars. If you don’t like to see people sloppy drunk, you don’t like drinkers, you know. But I cared for them. I guess I was a little bitty mother, and basically I was doing things far enough ahead of my age, like reading books at 3, doing algebra in my mind at 6 in the car—mother used to give me algebra problems. But lots of fun and I was reading “Little Women” when I started school.

So I learned to give without expectation of return. It did some rotten things to my body to learn that lesson. I took a lot on my shoulders and it is my shoulders and neck that are now incapacitated and taking along with it the rest of my body which is relatively healthy though certainly arthritic in the joints. But that’s okay, that’s what we’re here for—to learn and repay in one way or another for our lessons. And I don’t say that in terms of “Oh dear, we have to pay for this,” I am glad to pay my dues for being here.

So when the lesson came up again, it was a piece of cake. I married my first husband because he did not feel we could go on the road touring without the benefit of clergy—it would be unacceptable. Even if we slept in separate rooms. I’m talking about a very Christian background here. So we got married and doggone if the fellow didn’t put up his guitar and refuse to sing any more. Wonderful talent. The poor guy just became dysfunctional—he hated marriage, he left me seven times, ran off to Canada with a lover, so forth. Then he asked me to come up to Canada but he wasn’t going to stop seeing his lover. You know, you’re not going to get any return from this, but this is a choice you have to make.

I looked at that marriage contract and there was no small print so I went up to Canada and it worked out but it was on faith. And I didn’t expect a return. It was easier the second time even though it sounds rough it was a lot easier than cooking when I was ten and babysitting when I was seven. I’m lucky I’m real well coordinated and if I hadn’t been God knows what the family would have eaten. Daddy was a good chemical engineer but it was really not until about the last five years of his life was he sensitive to “women’s work” so called.

So instead of that lesson being harder it was just checking to see if I’d gotten it. Then we went into a whole overdrive thing with Don Elkins. Because we were in an “other worldly” sense, besotted with each other. It was a feeling of oneness that I can’t express. And Don certainly wouldn’t have been interested in my expressing it in the first place, he was a silent man and he chose to preserve his mystery at all times. Why chastity for him? I don’t know. Why everything with him, I don’t know. He didn’t explain himself to me and I don’t particularly like inferences because nobody knows anybody else’s whole story.

But again, in those sixteen years, I could cook the very best meal of my life, back when I was still able to do things in the kitchen and I loved to cook. Still love to cook. Reading recipes to me is like reading a good romance. It’s real sad because I was tailor made to be a house frau who just had a lot of thinking going on. I value the home and the place of the woman in the home. Of course I worked, but I never considered that I had a career. I was lousy at “Lib.” I think it’s necessary that both women and men be liberated from expectations and goals because some men run a lot of female energy and would really rather stay at home and work with the kids and do supper and things like that.

When Don would eat, it would know it was good country pickins’ because that’s the kind of food he liked. I got all his mother’s recipes when Don moved in so that I could feed him the way he wanted to be fed. But he would never say it was good, he would say “It was edible.” I fixed him at least three cups of coffee every day, probably more like six, back when I was able to do things with my hands and he never once said “Thank you.” He would say “This doesn’t have enough cream in it,” “This has cooled off too much,” something, something always would be wrong with it.

As I look back on it I see that it was a marvelous sort of advanced lesson of loving without expectation in return. And it seems to have been over. The incarnational thing seems to have worked its wonders and I seem to have gotten that one down and now it seems I’m pretty much overwhelmed with people caring about me and I feel very humble before that. I know what they’re really expressing is caring about themselves and I’m just handy to pin it on, this has made them able to see themselves in a more loving way and so they put that on me, but we’re all responsible for our own catalyst.

No matter what you did, if S1 had a certain lesson that she needed to learn and it’s beyond her ability to meet me and get to know me and get to trust me and all that, then there would be a reason for that and it would be something that I really feel I would have to respect.

So what is the pattern in your life? I don’t know what that pattern is. It would seem that you are attempting to break out of strictly ratiocination thinking, reasoning, logic, in order to respect the unknown which you are aware cannot be approached in a purely logical manner and you have had various experiences of that and at this point you’re pretty intense about this learning and it’s something that you really want to get ahold of and I would be glad to work with you until one of us is gone from this world. I have all the time in the world for you and the other people to whom I write. And I do write people from all over. I have correspondents in Holland, Australia, Czechoslovakia, thank God they all speak English because I am a very provincial person and don’t speak other languages. I used to know Russian real well but it’s gone now—it goes real fast if you don’t use it.

So what I am saying with this description is that with any incarnation it is our job to make choices. The more informed we are, the better choices we can make and one very helpful piece of information in making choices is to get back a bit from this particular situation and look at it as a kind of feeling that you’re getting or a kind of response that you’re feeling, and look back and see where you’ve had that before—see where the pattern is and ask what the loving thing to do here is that I haven’t done yet. Those choices are most blessed by those who ask and really want to know, because whether it comes from a dream or just springs into your mind, or whether you read something in a book that helps or whatever, if you do desire to know you will get what you desire.

I don’t know what other incarnational patterns have developed in your personal relationships because we just haven’t talked about that and they don’t seem to trouble you to the extent that you need to talk about them but if you yourself in the privacy of your own thoughts wanted to go back and look at relationships, not just with women but relationships in general and see when you felt discouraged or unsettled in or about a relationship—what was going on, what is the pattern? You need to look for cycles or repetition because we’re in the same classroom but we’re not all learning the same lesson.

Some of us love too much, some not enough, some of us think love is a big paycheck so we can buy anything we want, some of us say we’re poor but we’re happy because we love each other and then they have to deal with responsibilities because while you’re on this earth you’re supposed to be engaged and not pulling on other people’s purse strings.

So, do you see where the determinism is there in terms of you going to Chicago, but you can go by …

(Side one of tape ends.)

… your life, closer to you than your heartbeat, it’s just that you have to allow that experience to come over you to realize that you’re standing on holy ground. You may be dust but you’re standing on holy ground and in the presence of the Infinite One.

So there’s no puppet on the stage—you made the set, you chose the character, you chose the style even, you chose the problem of play and basically it’s up to you to create the lines in that play in the most loving way you can.

Needless to say, there are many things that keep one from being loving anywhere from self pity, jealousy, guilt, all sorts of negative and hateful emotions. But those are choices too. When you feel those things you have a choice—you can ponder them and brood on them or you can start thinking about something else. And eventually it falls away because you just don’t need it. But you have to have a lot of patience with that. And you have to deal with it day by day. You can’t make some sweeping judgment like “Ah, I have found the truth.”

That is what I call the “Spanish error,” because they’re highly excitable. You find a truth, which will in time will yield to a higher truth, or perhaps you’ve found the higher truth, but you never know. Truth can last for a couple of months, or a couple of years, and truth that can last you for eternity. And I think what we are all trying to do in one way or another as pilgrims on the path is try to find our truth, the truth that will stick with us and help us.

The higher being that chooses with the Creator’s help, his grace and being able to see clearly the incarnation that we’ve had is all taken together and you create the basic nature of this drama, this soap opera that is your life. And we can make just about anything we want to of it by our choices. Freewill is indeed random, if it were not random it wouldn’t be free so our freewill is absolute. But to a spiritual seeker freedom in and of itself ceases to mean a lot. Chris Christopher’s song “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”

Now freedom in the sense of being a rolling stone is just about that—you’re free because you’ve eschewed any meaningful relationships or connections within the society. You’re free to go your own way but you’re also keeping yourself from the lessons at hand and lengthening the amount of time that you have to spend in the ol’ third density McDonald’s illusion. That’s an option.

There’s no time limit here. Yes, there’s a time limit on this planet, it’s not going to support third density life forever, spirits are eternal and another third density school room will be available. There are infinite numbers of, shall we say, cosmic atoms or cosmic molecules in the universe.

Freewill is what life is all about. Choices is what third density existence is all about. It’s called “the density of choice.” The basic choice is to serve other people or to serve yourself.

If I may go back to the thing about saying this is that I don’t want you to think that I don’t extremely much value this correspondence, I also value S1 and your relationship, and I respect that. And that is my freewill looking at something with the spiritual principle of not being a stumbling block to somebody else. So I really do hope that she’ll take me up on my invitation and come see me. I gave her also the number of Father Baron and his address so that if she wanted to check me out from the standpoint of say somebody that she would not have too much trouble respecting in terms of his opinion, she can do that.

I think that’s about the closest I can come to helping her realize how unnecessary it is to be at all disturbed about the process that’s going on with you and the way I’m simply attempting to aid you in your journey. I can’t put my journey on you, it has to be your journey and since you are of the wisdom type rather than the compassion type I’m basically attempting the use of vocabulary in such a way that you can see rationally the bridge between the rational mind and the intuitive heart and open that intuitive part of yourself up. It is not the special domain of women to have intuition, it’s just that men are not trained up respecting that kind of thing in this society.

So the random things that happen to you continue to be random but because you see things through the eyes of the bias that you prepared for yourself in this life—mind you, your intellect and personality do not last—these are attributes of the illusion and you’ve got them for some reason, they’re your gifts and the things that you are steward of. But the choices should not be random.

It is well to have spiritual principles in mind to the point that you can smell an ethical situation a mile away, or you can perhaps be more skillfull in acquainting someone else with some fact or thought that he needed to know and you were the one that was best equipped to tell him that he isn’t quite there so you have to use your gifts and broader understanding of your area of study to use alternate vocabulary with that person to enable that person to see the principle even if it’s in another light just so long as he can get to it, then you’ve done your teaching properly, it doesn’t matter whether you teach this way or that way; it’s what works for one particular person.

I doubt if really good teachers are ever good teachers to everybody because in any group there’s going to be a certain number of people that simply fall outside that person’s ability to speak to them. And they’re just not getting it at all and that happens.

But you’re doing the best you can. You choose to be excellent; you choose to try your best to be a good teacher. What comes from that is not something that you need to worry about. All you need to worry about or concern yourself with is how well you’re doing the job that you perceive needs to be done.

Now I’m not saying that you should be taking your spiritual temperature all the time, it’s more along the lines of what Hilarion said about putting down things about yourself that you feel are good qualities and going over them before you go to sleep. Eventually that does help focus you as to what your gifts are and therefore what you want to do with them. We all want to serve other people, I think there are very few really negative types—there are a lot of ignorant types that are pretty violent, weak minded and very subject to being touched by some love or some spirit of reconciliation.

So our life is to some extent random, but in terms of how we deal with it, we create our patterns and then we repeat them until we’re absolutely sure we have them and then if we’ve done all those things then all we have left to do is serve the Creator and serve the people that we are in relationship with, and that personal lesson is finished and we go on to lead a relatively impersonal life, which is about where I am. I can’t learn any lessons anymore about loving without expectation of return because I have too much return from people, readers and such.

It is, at the same time, a random universe and a fatalistic universe. Random in terms of what route you decide to go to get to Chicago, and determined in terms of the way we are going to bias by our fears that we learned growing up, whatever catalyst comes our way. We will make of a situation what we need to make of it in order to have a problem, solve it, learn, and then go on.

There’s a lot more on that that I could say but I don’t think I’ll say any more without your expressing some further interest, because I think it’s fairly clear.

Yes, we continue to make mistakes at every level of evolution, that is true. As you pointed out, what else is evolution for? Evolution does imply, if not infer, movement. You have to remember though, you can go back instead of forward—you really have to watch what’s going on. Just like I am, I can go about two weeks off pain medication—I’ll try to stay completely off pain medication, which really sounds like a masochistic thing to do, but I have a burning desire to treat Jim absolutely the best I can and I just felt that on pain medication I was not going to be aware enough of the nuances of his glance, of the way he says things, so that I could figure out how I could be of more help to his experiencing a healthy normal life while he’s dealing with a wife who he loves dearly but who is sitting on a hospital bed 95% of the day and of course I go up to bed at night.

I’m sort of a fixed space operator here. Of course, I go all over the world with my letters and really the letters are very effective and pleasant company for me because when I’m talking to the people I feel it’s the same as if they were in the room except that it’s a little frustrating not to get the feedback so I can refine what it is I want to say so that it does meet your needs, or so that I can say, “I honestly don’t know” or whatever the outcome of a conversation would be instead of a soliloquy.

Now when you work on “reactions to catalyst should not be repressed,” (that’s what you’re quoting) you’re looking at a consideration of one’s own emotions and feelings—respect for them, over against the respect that you have for other people. Other people have no need to be right in your eyes, other people are as they are, they’re stars, they’re beings, they’re unique and they are as they are, you can’t change people. You can try, but it’s an exercise in futility so you have to take people pretty much as they are. Now in taking people as they are you will come up against visions in the mirror that is in your mate’s eyes that show something back to you that you don’t like very much.

The catalyst is there, mostly from relationships; sometimes from society, but society is sort of in a large scale what relationships with one other person are on a human scale. If you’re having problems dealing with people then you will have that same kind of problems dealing with an institution whether it’s the nation, the state, the county, the tax people, whatever, you’ll experience the same sort of lessons in society that you do in your own home.

And when you’re experiencing it I believe Ra was not speaking of repressing everything about a feeling, he was not suggesting that one refrain from saying anything if one disagrees or if one has a difficulty. Ra talks about being balanced and feeling a oneness with other people, with the world, and so forth. And that is all about trust, really. As trust deepens in a relationship then you’re able to broach subjects that might have been difficult when there was not this level of trust.

So it’s not that you have to suppress everything that you feel, it’s not that at all. Ra encouraged the expression. It could be very mild, it could be “I don’t agree with you,” or “you hurt my feelings,” or something simple like that. But tells the truth that doesn’t put blame or create catalyst for the other person, it’s just an explanation of what you’re experiencing and that kind of communication is extremely valuable.

But, for instance, if you just wish that you could shoot somebody—and I’m sure everyone has at one time or another wanted to shoot somebody, whether it’s Hitler, Saddam Hussein or the guy next door who’s driving you crazy by cutting down your bushes because he doesn’t like them, that has to stay in your mind, obviously. Or if defending yourself will cause a stumbling block for another person then it is very wise usually to make the choice not to defend yourself. Because you don’t have to defend yourself. If people are judging you, then they’re out of line in the first place, because they can’t even judge themselves, let alone somebody else.

That is not our business, we don’t take our spiritual temperature, we don’t check and see if we’re being a good boy or a good girl, we just try to live a life and have a life. Have a long vital, have a great life, just the greatest life we can, and that is definitely not about repressing emotions.

I think if you look at the ten commandments you pretty well get the idea of what Ra would not act on. He’s not talking about refraining from the expression of your feelings, but he is talking about expressing them in the most kind way, the most helpful way that you can, never to deny yourself.

But sometimes I know with Jim and me being together 24 hours, seven days a week, sometimes I will perceive that he’s having a very, very trying day or he will perceive that I am having one and we just go easy on each other that day, because we know that that person, no matter how rough some comment may be that he’s in more trouble all ready in his own mind that we could possibly give him. So we try to give each other a break—we try to drop the personal feelings for that time because the other person is just not going to be able to deal with it, and just put it aside for awhile, not deny it or repress it but just lay it aside for a future agenda and do some loving, some accepting, some listening, some supporting, sometimes just somebody sitting and listening to you will help you out of a real big hole emotionally.

So you are managing your play so that it remains lovely and not become brutal or violent in any way, because there are many, many ways that we can brutalize each other, some of them are very subtle and it’s hard to take it all out unless you’re far enough away from the situation that you can see the pattern and that usually is the case when I’m dealing with what I call “the needies,” the ones who need to know about this or that because it’s ultimately important.

But whatever reaction you have, if its anger, I definitely would express it, but I wouldn’t express it by shouting and being hysterical and trying to hurt, I would express it by saying “I really feel upset about this, this is something we really need to talk about. Can you talk about it today or do we need to just drop it until another day?” Try to be a little bit more conscious about how to use anger in a skillful way, in other words in a way that will help us not to have to repeat that pattern of anger.

Now Jim’s been working with anger for a long time. He has “fist through the wall” type anger that can come on him very suddenly, but he’s doing really well. But the only reason he’s doing well is because I’ve sat here every time he was upset and just stayed with him and was not afraid of him, and that silent support has made him feel that somebody is paying attention to him—somebody is listening to him and he doesn’t have to get angry and act all this stuff out just to get my attention because I’m perfectly willing to listen.

So most of the time now Jim is not mad at me, he’s usually angry at something not being on time, or he’s got twelve things to do and then the thirteenth shows up and is going to wipe out half the day and how’s he going to get the other twelve things done. He’s very goal oriented. I am to some extent but not the extent that Jim is.

And it’s a good thing he is like that, I mean it’s that very characteristic that is his most marked virtue in terms of being able to run the fairly complex business of running a charity, running a home, and all that stuff, without me there to do my part. I just don’t have the relationship that is normal in this culture—I just basically can’t doing anything anymore because I have to keep my neck and my head and my shoulders flat against a reclining surface.

I will be extremely fortunate if I can even get to church; haven’t been able to since Thanksgiving. But we’re getting bucket seats that recline a little bit in the truck and I have some hopes of getting back to church because that really does feed me.

If one’s reaction is exuberant, there are always tasteful ways of showing exuberance. The twinkle in one’s eye cannot possibly be rude and one does not have to over act, one does not have to emote to the balconies to show exuberance—it shows in the way you walk and the way you tilt your hat and your attitude towards people. If you’re having an exuberant feeling why then you’re just radiating and that’s never in bad taste. There’s no need to express extreme emotion in order to feel emotion. That’s all inside. That’s an internal process and the manifestation of it is pretty much according to cultural norms, and if the cultural norm doesn’t work for you, just find a way to be exuberant without scratching people.

For instance, when I wake up in the morning, I’m awake. Forget it, I’m up, I don’t try to go back to sleep, it might be 4:30, but I’m up. Most people wake up very slowly. I go from asleep to awake. Needless to say, I’m a morning person. So what do I do? I get up and start singing around the house because I’ve sung all my life. And I have had people, mostly my mother and dad (always having a hangover in the morning) say, “Would you please stop that noise, I can’t stand it!” Okay, I don’t have to sing, I can do what I do without singing, no problem.” But I refused to get down inside.

Reminds me of the joke about the little girl who wanted to stand up in the pew during the sermon and say “Hi” to people and you know how little kids are in church. And her mother keeps tugging at her trying to get her to sit down, and causing attention to be drawn to her instead of the preaching. And finally the little girl sits down and says “But I’m standing up in my heart.”

And that’s pretty much what you do if you find that your reaction is not one that you feel would be tactful. But in my experience, and I’m fairly compulsively honest, I have a need to be honest that goes deep. I suppose because I couldn’t possibly do this work if I weren’t honest with myself, I couldn’t help people other than myself. I would be tied up in my need for approval, or need for expectation of return, which I never have. I do it, it goes out, if it helps, then fine, if it doesn’t help, well then, I’ve done my best.

So it’s not repression to choose a manner of manifesting that, and certainly if one needs to talk about something it’s not repression to put it off, but it is repression not to talk about it when it is a good time.

So we are encouraged to be free spirits. We are encouraged to act spontaneously, but in back of that spontaneity is a character that is made of the bedrock of the choices we have made up to this present moment.

There was a story about Pablo Picasso who was hauled into court because he charged $25,000 for a drawing that he did in five minutes. The man filed some kind of claim, this was an actual case, and the judge said “Well, sir, what do you have to say about this $25,000 for five minutes work?” Picasso said, “It took me 25 years to learn how to draw that picture in five minutes. And the judge said “Case closed.”

So if we respect ourselves and if we work on ourselves and if we respect this illusion and realize that we are engaged in it to learn from it to make choices that are evermore oriented towards using our gifts and talents in the most generous way we can, and just learning how to be loving people—and I’m not talking about saccharine stuff here, I’m talking about charity, just simple charity. By that I mean the awareness that some people are very, very different from you, seemingly, but if you were in their shoes, you would have charity for them because you could see what they are going through from their point of view.

Now you say (reads) “To the truly balanced entity, no situation would be emotionally charged.” And you quote this several times. “This seems to suggest that the truly balanced entities either lack or don’t express much emotion.” Not true. Bach for instance, wrote a cantata for every sunday of the church year. The kind of church he was writing in and playing for, the instruments that he had at hand in terms of voices and instrumental players, and so forth, all that came into it, but he put a kind of emotion that is transcendent into that music and did it with abandon and bravado, but with ultimate discipline so that one never tires of singing Bach.

One is always discovering a way that he’s done some word paintings, he’s not only expressed the thought, watch and pray, or whatever, but he’s bent the music into something more than notes, into a kind of architecture that is structured in such a way that the worshipping soul can ascend through his inspiration. How much passion that took and how much discipline.

Passion is not necessarily unbridled or abandoned. We can chose to feel abandoned like loving in an abandoned way, because we trust. And that’s all right, that’s not going to hurt the other person or cause them to worry, but there is a discipline to the loving.

You see, what I’ve just been saying about staying off pain medication for two weeks, yes, it hurts. It hurts a lot. But this is very important to me that I do the best job I can in this situation, which does seem very small. The world has shrunken somewhat for me. But I’m looking for positive options and I have faith that I will find them and I feel that I already have found one and that is not to complain. I wasn’t thinking of it as complaining but Jim was continually asking me what was wrong with this, or what was wrong with that. And I would tell him and I finally got this sort of “click” where the light bulb went on in the attic and I said “You know Jim, you need to know this stuff, you know that I’m unwell, I don’t feel real well, so just trust me on this, that I’ll ask for a backrub if I really need it, we don’t have to have these conversations about it all the time.

But now you see, I have to make sure that I’ve changed that habit in myself and I’m not looking to get some kind of sympathy, I’m just looking to have a good life.

So if the person is balanced, the person has wisdom and he has love, and he looks at a situation and he’s distanced from it because it’s very important to move the point of view back far enough from the situation that you begin to see the incarnational pattern, lessons that you’re learning, how to be loving in that situation, how to be radiant in that situation, how to be helpful, how to be caring, but lively.

In other words, martyrdom worked for Jesus Christ but I’m not convinced that it’s the best thing for everybody and there are people in this world that simply martyr themselves in a situation and just feel doomed about it which just takes away all our positive options because that’s their attitude.

So the truly balanced person is a person with perspective. Have enough perspective to react spontaneously to a situation in a way that is skillful enough to satisfy themselves or react to a situation in such a way that he’s not satisfied so at a later time he takes that under consideration, he really explores that feeling of incompleteness or negative emotion and really feels it and gives respect to that feeling and allows it to be very intense but then lets go of it.

So many people go to the foot of the cross and they put down their burden then they take it back again. The idea is to put them down and leave them there. (Laughs) So that we don’t drag our pasts around with us like a ball and chain. We’re not who we were yesterday and we’re not going to be the same tomorrow. We’re who we are right now. And the happenstances of life will occur. Life happens and you never know whether you’re going to make a great big hairy choice or a little bitty easy one on any certain day.

But when it comes up it’s really helpful to have spent some time with spiritual principles so that when you do have a real challenge we can work on it with a fair amount of skillfulness and a fair amount of seeing it from the other person’s point of view, how to be loving, and so forth.

It’s much more important to be spontaneous and make mistakes than it is to hold back until you think you’re getting skillful then doing some. We’re not here to craft something as an observer—we’re not observers we’re part of the experiment. This is a subjective illusion, I’m not honestly sure that anything exists outside of my head.

So a person that controls his emotions and does not give them an outlet is simply building up a stronger and stronger polarity of exactly that thing that he doesn’t want to deal with and it will slam up against him until he gets it. It will repeat and repeat and repeat until finally he can’t avoid it any more, he has to express himself.

A lot of suicides I think are a result of that kind of repression of feeling that you don’t really have the ability to ask for help, that you’re really not worthy, or whatever fears you thought as a kid, but it can surely ruin you to hold things inside, it’s not necessary to do that. What’s necessary is the concept of sitting with yourself, being with yourself and saying “I am feeling this,” or “I am here with that.” So in some part of your mind, not judging that at all, but judge keeping company with your catalyst. Keeping company with it, allowing it to flow in, and allowing whatever intuition or deep wisdom you might have to come and touch that with some grace, like rain on parched earth, so that you do find the most skillful way that you can find to express that which another or yourself is resisting.

Again, your questions are so evocative that there are lots of things I could talk about for a long time but if I did that I would go over my time limit for today, though I think I’ll be all right for as long as it takes today. If not, tomorrow cometh soon.

Where is the passion of truly balanced entities, where is the love? Not as an object to love but as that which inspires you to love. Where is your fount, your fountainhead, your spring of loving, where does eternity flow into you? Does it flow into you from a perception of perfect love such as a mythical story of Christ or Buddha or Zoroaster or any of a number of other paths to walk to the one infinite Creator?

Passion lies in the completeness with which you dedicate yourself to the unchangeable truth that you have found, that you sit in awe of and realize that “I can’t judge myself, I really feel unworthy, but here this is and it’s just pouring into me and it allow me to be a channel for love. That’s where the passion is.

Now, truly balanced entities? I wouldn’t know. I’m not a very well-balanced entity. I am a stable personality in a very unstable field, obviously, a tough cookie, I guess you would say in terms of just being a somebody that looks at whatever is happening and says “Okay, now what should I do about this?” I don’t waste a lot of time saying, “Oh, my God, what to do, oh, this is terrible” and so forth. I just say “Okay, this is a curve that you strongly hear, where is the love in this?”

But being truly balanced? I doubt if anybody is in this density. Maybe a janitor somewhere in Oregon may have it down, but usually the people that have it down are usually the people that don’t ever get recognized until they do something like—do you remember that Washington plane crash where the plane went into a bridge across the Potomac? It was freezing cold, it was in the middle of a snowstorm so you can just imagine how cold the river was. But a man got out of his car, jumped into the river and started pulling hapless non-swimmer out of the beach and handing them up to the hovering helicopter. Then they came back for him because he would not go until they’d pulled the last person up and he was gone. He had saved other people, but he himself was gone. And after he died, we, for an instant, as a nation, knew perfect love.

This happens all the time, but it’s quiet for the most part. People of true humility and compassion and love tend to be very humble, unassuming people, obscure people. Their goals are not within this illusion but they are engaged in this illusion in a loving way and they have stopped judging themselves and others.

So I think those are the things that you can look at if you look for love, if you look for the passion. Find that wellspring within you. Find that which is touched when you are touched. And then focus on that and get an ever clearer focus on that so that you begin to know yourself more and more, not as a person with good days and bad days and happenstance and coincidence and the losses and ordeals of a normal life, but as an infinite spirit who is here in this world, hopefully to love, not to be loved; to understand.

The prayer of St. Francis is a very important prayer to me and I will call upon it at this time: “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me so love, where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, unity; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Oh Divine Master, help me to seek, not to be understood but to understand; not to be loved, but to love; not to be consoled, but console. For it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in giving that we receive, and it is in dying that we rise to eternal life.”

That’s balance—when we see an unredeemed situation and you face it with charity, you make a difference even if you don’t say a word.

A few weeks ago I had a guy prove that to me without a shadow of a doubt. He was one of the more bizarre people that I’ve ever met.

(Side two of tape ends.)

I spent the whole weekend simply attempting to grasp what this young man was asking. I don’t know whether he had some kind of brain damage or whether it was a lack of I.Q. points but he had an enormous amount of desire so he had the tune but not the words (if you grasp my meaning of a spiritual concept).

At any rate, I did not at any time during the weekend feel that I had helped him in any way. All I could do was sit there and send him love, he was so needy and so unhappy and so troubled in so many ways. So I just sent him charity, generous, unstinting, impersonal love. I just let it flow through me and tried to bless him as much as I could. I certainly couldn’t help him intellectually because he didn’t have the…he didn’t have his chops together in musician talk, he could not play his instrument.

Well, I told Jim after the guy had left that I had just bombed with this guy. I couldn’t help him and I was really discouraged about it.

I get a letter about a week later that says “You have made everything clear, now I know how to live my life.” (Chuckle) I don’t know what I did, but love did that, and it wasn’t my love, it was just me being an instrument and letting love itself flow through me in an infinite way.

Okay, people who have bad habits, let’s look at that.

Jesus asked us to do two things, love the Lord, and love others as we love ourselves. That does imply that we need to love ourself. If we love ourself we are probably going to be careful in our choices of bad habits. Why would we want to drink. Do we like it? Do we like the taste of it? Do we like the feeling of being out of control? Do we like that taste of a cigarette? Do we like the sound of curse words in our vocabulary? Do we like the effect it has on people when we shock them?

Valuing the self we have to ask ourselves these questions. What do you want yourself to express? Well, the most spiritually advanced person can be a heavy smoker or a heavy drinker or a womanizer, but that simply means that the crystal is flawed, because that person is abusing themselves. It is definitely self abuse to drink too much. It is definitely self abuse to smoke at all and it’s obviously self abuse to womanize because you’re jeopardizing and usually losing the most valuable relationship of your lifetime.

One mate that works with you over a number of years where you’re both changing and you’re learning how to trust each other and you’re learning how to love from each other. You’re learning how to be charitable, you’re learning all sort of things and it’s something that you’re doing together, like two horses pulling a cart, you pull together. And that’s the great beauty of that relationship.

So I have to say if people have bad habits and they haven’t examined them, they simply have not gotten to the point that they love themselves. They may love the abandonment of drinking too much or doing drugs or whatever. I’ve not even experienced this big drug thing. I think you’re about my age but when I was coming up women were still virgins when they married. (Laughs) Forget drugs or alcohol! It was just the Annette Funicello generation, I guess. I was among the early hippy generation in my early twenties but I did work all through that so I wasn’t one of the ones to “tune in, turn on, and drop out.” Hopefully, I was tuning in, but I was tuning in to myself, not to rejecting the very place I was born and the people I was born to.

But you just go ahead and act during the day and if you make mistakes, if you’ve gotten all red in the face and gotten mad at somebody or if you’re harboring resentments because of this and that, okay. Hey, people make mistakes all the time, that’s how we learn. You don’t judge it but you do take it into meditation and the balancing exercise is to allow that emotion that you felt was inappropriate or unskillful to come back to you and you sit with it and you let it be. You let it become as big as it needs to be for you to express to yourself that feeling that you have but then to lay it down at the foot of the cross of life and say “Heavenly father, whatever you are, you will take this burden, you’ve promised me that, whatever I read, so here, take it because I can’t deal with it.”

And you let it go, and what happens in the letting go of that as you sit in meditation is the opposite feeling will come into you, and the opposites converge and you can see that you are all things, so you do have choices to make. You’re not a good person or a bad person, you are a person. And the choices that you have made so far indicate a kind of person that you are. Circumstances change and it depends on the respect one has for one’s own prior choices and the respect one has for the incarnation that is offering these choices, that prod you into taking the time to examine your conscious, taking the time to accept and forgive yourself for the mistakes you see you’ve made and to really attempt an amendment of that mistake. Erase it and put down the correct sum next time. There are a lot of emotional 2+2=4’s that because of imperfectly perceived catalyst come out to 2+2=5.

You can get on yourself and hate yourself for that but there’s no point in that. It’s a waste of time. What you need to do is learn from it and the way to learn from it is to sit with it, feel it, respect it, embrace it then let it go and allow yourself to feel the other 180 degrees of that particular dynamic.

Because we are 360 degree people. Our circumstances are different, our gifts are different, our lesson plans are different but we’re all on this road making our way through the valley of the shadow of death and it can be heaven, it can be boring, or it can be hell. It depends on what you allow into your life in the way of love and trust and optimism.

Okay, time/space, space/time. I don’t know much about that because of my lack of knowledge in general of even what a set is. I don’t know what that is. If it was put down on paper, I’d go “Oh”, but nobody has ever sat me down and taught me set theory, so I don’t know what that is, but if I understand it and it is in time/space we are able to travel in that space the way we are able to travel in space and then can show up at any time. We ourselves come back from more high densities, according to Ra, and we are our own holy spirit, that which we have learned by the middle of 6th density of compassionate wisdom, of a balance is brought back as a gift from the heart. You have to ask and allow everything to be silent and listen to your heart.

But I believe that basically entities can move around in time in that situation and as to what a “spatial river” would consist of—that is beyond my creative abilities to comprehend. I gather that just as time is in the situation of life it is at the same time measured as one can measure hours and days now, that people have found a way to do that, but is also extremely elastic in terms of one’s subject experience of it so that when one moves into a space one is moving in that space as we move in time, but closer than that I really can’t come. I don’t have enough knowledge to help you there.

(Reads) “‘We scan your mind,’ do you have any ideas about the scanning process?” Yes, I do. They were checking through the biocomputer and seeing what was in the little grey cells. There’s a difference between the mind and the consciousness. The mind works as a biocomputer, it makes choices, that’s what this density is all about. Our fields of consciousness are just like any other field. They exist and they are strengthened by our becoming more and more our unlimited light being self in a conscious way, in an awareness of the fact that we’re not only here in a mundane way to live and to die and to be buried, we’re also here as citizens of the universe, experiencing an extremely strong illusion in which we have the opportunity to make choices in the matter.

Not just for this lifetime but in our progress as an infinite being. As an eternal person, as a citizen of the universe. The mind is indeed finite but consciousness is not. There is even a portion of the mind that has fairly good access to the field of consciousness, different people get at different parts of that deep mind, some hook into the racial memory, some hook into karmic memory of their own past lifetimes, some hook into a teaching guide on the inner planes. There are different ways in which the infinite can be introduced into our mundane computer mind. But you have to work at the two as being quite literally separate. One of them makes choices—that’s the mind. The other will inform the mind about spiritual principles to the extent that the person is willing to take the time to pay attention to what the heart is saying.

So the mind itself consists of the tip of the iceberg, the conscious mind; the area just below the leman (phonetic) of consciousness where our dreams try to tell us things about what we’re experiencing, down into racial mind, planetary mind, archetypical mind and the mind of the infinite one. But the director of that being is either the thinker or the one who sits humbly and lowest before the infinite wisdom to which he has access and says “I’m opening this door, show me what it is I can do for you today, divine master.”

I will write the question into our question book because you said you would love to hear Q’uo discuss the mind.

(Reads) “Hey, wait a minute, not the smooth flow of feelings, both positive and negative while remaining unswayed but rather the objective of becoming unswayed.” Well, that doesn’t mean that you don’t care. It just means that you have enough wisdom to put things in perspective and to see the situation for what it is. Part of one particular pattern or another or a situation in which one person is tremendously vulnerable and needs help, even if it’s not logical that you should give it.

You certainly should not stop in the middle of an emotion and balance it. That is specifically not advised. You just have to let yourself be and look at it maybe once a day. Because I have so much time now, I think a good deal, probably more than most people, about what my consciousness is up to and if my brain is pulling my consciousness along on some dumb hayride that I don’t want to go on. I have these choices to make. I don’t have to go where logic tells me to go if it doesn’t feel right. You certainly don’t stop the flow of love just so you can be balanced.

This life, in this density is not about being balanced. It’s about learning that there is the possibility of loving completely without any expectation of reward, and that it’s worth it. It’s worth everything to express that. Because it’s the way you feel the Creator being towards you. And the question is how do you get to where you can feel the Creator loving you? I try to prepare people for the fact that the Creator does love them and then after they are ready for that an experience will come. Or they’ll go on to another teacher who doesn’t go for deep spiritual principles and will give them something that’s a little easier to take like the New Age things—astrology or numerology or whatever.

It’s a choice. There are all sorts of teachers. My particular kind of teaching is involved with talking to intelligent people who have intelligent questions to ask or who just need some love or some attention. The needy ones don’t really need my advice, they need my attention, they need to know that I think they’re okay. I can do that.

(Reads) “Why do we have such short spiritual attention spans?” We haven’t practiced. People don’t even listen all the way through a sermon in church. Very few people are attracted to philosophy. People who are attracted to religion are usually attracted to the very thing about religion that is its worst aspect, and that is the structure, dogma and doctrine. They like the structure. That’s right and that’s wrong. It’s a black and white world. Well, I’m sorry pilgrim but it’s gray out there. This is not an absolute, this is an illusion and everything is relative to everything.

Now in this culture, in this illusion, we have the ability to pick up that desire to know more. To love more, to know who we are, to know what our relationship is with the Creator. To know what the Creator is, and we make a choice to start looking at that and the things that happen to us after that happen increasingly synchronistically. But like any other muscle, the spiritual self must be experienced regularly. It’s kind of like you can teach a kid to read but if he doesn’t read books, he’s always going to be a slow reader and he’s not going to have a lot of fun reading. But if you seduce a kid with a good book before he’s old enough to know that that’s not cool and that he’d rather watch MTV, then you’ve got the child where you’ve bent his little mind in a way that you think will be helpful for him.

And it’s the same way with the spiritual. I went to church as a baby. My parents never made any reason for going to church, never talked much about religion, that was just what we did on Sunday morning. It think it was one of the great gifts I got in childhood. No fuss was made about it but I achieved the habit of speaking about spiritual principles at an extremely early age.

Needless to say, I was given some gifts at birth that a lot of people are not given. I was given gifts like faith and a very, very strong tendency to do anything I could for anybody. However, the choices that I have made in my life have been made not because I’m helpless under the weight of this incredible love but because I look at a spiritual principle and I say “I can’t do anything about this gray illusion, but I can live up to my own ideas” and that kind of decision strengthens your field, lengthens your spiritual attention span, and reduces the amount of sludge that you have rolling around in terms of things you want to buy, things that you want to do that you haven’t done yet, concerns within this world that are pretty mundane.

Matching a pair of shoes with a dress, for instances, is something I have been known to in my active years spend a whole morning trying to do—my Easter outfit, after all. Engrossed with myself but that same person wore that to Easter morning service and worshipped like mad (laughs). So it isn’t that we have to be these solemn, preachy, saintly people, we’re all just people, we’re all just bozos, and yes the culture is very overly materialistic.

But then you say “What can we do to increase our spiritual attention span? Meditate?” Well, sure. “More time in church? More time in simple contemplation? More spiritual books? More spiritually oriented movies?” Only if that’s the way you learn. If the way you learn is different than that, you forget the more and more and more. That’s quantity. You look for quality and you appreciate.

It’s something I’m really learning here with my world shrunk, as it is, to this bed. It’s a hospital bed so I can sit up but always have to be reclining, but can’t move my arms except from the elbows, but the treasures are so lovely, still. The world is so full. The world is so generous and wonderful and I don’t bless the pain for being pain, but I bless the opportunity to learn and I know by faith there are positive options in any situation, and it does me and nobody else any good for me to repine on my poor luck, because we all have the ordeal of life to go through.

If we think that our problem is a bigger or worse problem than the next person’s problem, that is because we have not walked a mile in his shoes.

So I think I would get away from “more more more” unless that really is inspiring you and lifting you up and so forth. One way that I lift myself up is by singing. I got up Easter morning, for instance and watched the sun rise and sang for about 40 minutes. I sang all my favorite hymns from the old hymn book. Oh, I felt so wicked because the 1940 Hymnal has some songs in it which I dearly love which are not in the 1982 edition of the Episcopal Hymnal.

It was wonderful to sing the old childhood hymns and watch the sun come up and know that this is the time of resurrection; this is the time of blooming, this is the time of softening. This is a glorious time, this is a feast, and it was just wonderful. And it wasn’t more than, it was just that that’s what feeds me. People feed me, I love to help people. If I can be of any help to somebody, I’ll do it. I’ve done some of the strangest things in my life, including renting my brother for the Mother’s March of Dimes. I didn’t have a kid but I said “Yes, I’ll do it.”

I may be the only person that I know that has walked door to door for both the Republicans and the Democrats while remaining an independent, because I do feel strongly about the excellence of the Constitution—it’s one of the most brilliant piece of situational ethics I’ve ever seen. It enables people to get money and to keep money legally, within certain boundaries. It deals with people’s dark side, their greed, their lust for power and so forth, so that no one man under this constitution can do too much damage. It will be checked and balanced (they said in Civics class).

Have I ever met an angel? Yes, one. I’m not psychic so I don’t see things very often but it was an unusual time. There was a very special fellow whom I had known all through college and for several years after college. He was a late bloomer in terms of being able, because of his intense shyness, to ask for a date. So when Jim left me (the seventh time he made it) and I was out of that relationship I was not in a position to make any commitments to anyone, but this dear person asked me if I would come and stay with him for three weeks and honoring the friendship, I did exactly that.

It was remarkable. He had never been with a woman before; he had never experienced the give and take of two people sharing the same life and getting in each other’s way, which is inevitable, that’s the way we learn. He knew how to do everything. He knew how to tell me he didn’t like something, he knew how to go out for a beer by himself and leave me alone for a while; he knew how to fight when we disagreed about something. He was good in bed, he was skillful, and he knew how to love. He loved very sweetly.

The day he was coming back to Louisville to ask me to marry him, he died. He had stopped and pulled over into the emergency lane of an express way in Indiana and a guy fell asleep at the wheel, slammed into his car while he was looking through his binoculars at some bird or another (he was an avid bird watcher) and died, brain dead instantly. His body lived for a few days and I thought to myself at the time, even through the tears, “Well, you know, he really knew everything all ready. He really didn’t have to go beyond that three weeks. The lessons that he had to learn about tolerance, and charity, and forgiveness and acceptance and expressing love, and allowing one’s own needs to be met even if that need meant you had to leave that person and trust that person would be okay with that—he’d done all that.”

But during that three weeks there I was sitting reading “The Magic Mountain” by Thomas Mann, I was doing some library work, trying to get more familiar with some of the stuff that I would be talking about with my kids (I had a 13 grade school for 6 years—loved that job!) and I just glanced over, looked up (to rest my eyes) and there was this red-headed being in a robe with wings sitting on nothing—suspended. I said “Do you come in the name of Christ?” and he said “yes,” and I asked him his name and he said “Michael.” It was just really nice and then he went away. That was the only time I’ve ever seen anything like that.

(Reads) “…walking the universe with unfettered tread.” I have yet to meet anybody that can do that. As to the white magician, I would recommend W.E. Butler (Carla promises to get back with more details about this.) There are a couple of books that I would recommend and they are both by Butler—he’s the best of the modern White Magicians, Western tradition is very Christian.

(Reads) “The purpose of space/time is the increase in catalytic action appropriate to the density.” “Is there a time/space body complex?” Yes. Catalytic action is lessened simply because without the veil of this illusion entities can scan each other thoughts and if they’re service to others individuals, that’s fine. People can go through every closet in my house if they want to, I’m not hiding anything (except Jim’s birthday present).

So the catalytic action is softened by the fact that you can look at a person and say “Oh, I have a great deal in common with this person, this is a person I’ll talk to, or there’s a big dynamic here, I think I’ll let this person go his way and I’ll go mine, and we’ll meet in the future and we’ll be a better blend, we’ll get more of that 360 degree awareness and also the awareness of our choices and that we can begin more and more not to judge or blame, just allow people to be who they are, and I think in the higher densities that that catalytic action is very softened but you know that the arrow never gets to the target in terms of it getting half way there, and then half way of the rest of the way, and then half way of that and so forth.

So you’ll be doing much more refined work, building on the choices you’ve made in this density to love others as a way of praising the Lord and to love yourself or to control others, which is the negative path.

Work in consciousness is what we’ve been talking about. Our consciousness as opposed to our being. When you work in consciousness you are allowing wisdom and discipline to move into a pretty uninformed brain, a computer that cannot be more than the sum of its parts. The only way we can be more than the sum of our parts is by letting that infinity, that influence of deeply felt intuition to flow.

In fourth density, as I understand it, the angels are still at war over right and wrong, good and bad, light and darkness, because there is still that feeling that there is black and there is white, and never the twain shall meet, and you don’t want the black and white to be influencing people on earth so they’re doing their best, some people in fourth density, or some social memory complexes, to wage that war on the spiritual plane, on a metaphysical, or time/space plane, and kind of take the heat off us.

By fifth density, the density of wisdom, we begin to see that it’s not necessary to fight evil because there’s no chance that evil is going to work out. Ra said, for instance, nobody makes it past mid-sixth density in the negative sense because the sixth density is about the unification of one person with everybody, or the unification of love and wisdom. You can be extremely wise but if you lack compassion or love, what did Paul say, “You are a sounding gong, a clanging cymbal.”

So we work in consciousness to make our field stronger by the choices we make and the services we hope to provide, without judging ourselves on the basis of whether they seem to be helpful. Just do it and let it go.

(Reads) “Why can’t [people] be more honest with each other?” I don’t know I think it’s because they’re not honest with themselves. There are conflicts deep in the mind that maybe they’re not willing to look at yet, and the truth of it is, go ahead and look at it. Nothing is so horrible that it’s going to kill you just because you’re looking at it. You can’t possibly have a thought that somebody else hasn’t had—you’re not going to lose the human race because of some conflict that you haven’t solved yet. All you’re going to do is gather information and that’s part of the work in consciousness, is to take that stuff and put it, not through the computer only, the computer’s good, the mind is good, logic circuitry has its place, but you also have to let grace in.

When we get honest with ourselves and we fall in love with ourselves, with our peccadilloes, with our foolishnesses, with our thoughts, with the whole package, warts and all, at that point we can be honest with anybody in the world because we have nothing to fear. What we fear from people and what we do in dishonesty is create a persona that we feel will be more acceptable than our real self to that other person or to that group.

Well, it’s just not my way, it never has been my way, probably because I can’t remember a lot of things. I don’t retain information, I don’t think information should be retained really, I’m not a scholar, I’m a mystic. Facts don’t impress me.

So in experiencing myself in being as honest as I can be with myself, what if somebody comes down on me with a real harsh criticism. I’ll sit and look at that. I’m not afraid to look at it because I’ve looked at it before. And if I haven’t looked at it, it’s time to thank that person for bringing it up so that I can consider it. In other words, I don’t condemn myself, therefore, I don’t feel that somebody else can condemn me. Words can hurt, but they can’t hurt in such a way that you stop being honest.

Now this does not include white lies like “What a lovely dress,” “How nice your hair looks,” “How pretty you look today,” things that we automatically say to people to make them feel more at home, especially if they don’t look very good. We say things to heal and to cheer and not to say “Well, you look lousy.” I think white lies are just fine, but the other kind basically start with each of us. When I’m honest with you, then you can be honest with me, everybody.

What do I think about the earth being hollow? I don’t know. I certainly have seen interesting evidence that there is a large system of caverns and so forth at deep levels, but most people don’t know about them. Spelunkers are always telling tales about this and that, as well as people in the UFO conspiracy business, who just absolutely dote on stories of thousands of miles of underground world type tunnels and underground cities, so that if there’s ever a nuclear holocaust all the powers that be will have the better part of the mineshaft gap to quote from an old movie. But not knowing, I would be a fool to say.

I am really tickled about the possibility of your moving to Louisville and since I’m now looking at the P.S. with which I started it, I won’t have to say that again about S1, but I’m sure you understand my feelings about it and that is that I want to help you but not at the expense of hurting another person that is dear to you. I don’t think I’m that important or that knowledgeable that I would be valued above working it out first with S1. If S1’s okay with it, then I’m okay with it. If S1’s not okay, then I should be respectful of that.

(Reads) “Stamina, and wisdom and pain.” Well, I’ll tell you what, there aren’t a lot of options (laughs). It’s sort of like sitting in the dentist’s chair and saying “Sure, I want some Novocain.” But I thank you for your compliment and I believe you and I know that happy people have really hard times with colds and flu and headaches and stuff like that. And maybe it is courageous but really it seems more practical that anything else. If I’ve observed something about myself that is unusual I would say it is an enhanced ability to perceive because it’s been my fascination all my life.

I tend to have a fairly enhanced grasp of what’s happening in any particular moment, which enables me to have a distance, a humor about it, and I really do have the gift of faith and it does give me the opportunity to look for positive options, where somebody else might be really angry at God. Not me. Why would I be angry at God now? My heavens, if there ever was a time to be a faithful Christian, it is now. I will not waste this time being mad at somebody who didn’t do it to me. I was greedy. I piled my plate really high with catalyst in this incarnation. I thought I could do it.

I used to take 21 hours a semester in college which is basically the same thing. Apparently my eternal personality has a good deal in common with that portion of my personality in this incarnation.

And yes, I am learning faster than most and yes, it is difficult at times, but Jim and I have this incredible opportunity to drop everything at any point in our day, if there’s a problem, and sit down and chew it over and be on each other’s side, be advocates for each other rather than having to defend our positions, until we have worked it out to both people’s satisfaction. Not that we always agree—how could two people always agree on everything?

I think there is a lot of difficulty associated with balancing karma, but since you can also balance karma by simple forgiveness, usually of yourself as well as the other person, that stops karma right there.

As to concepts being both precise and infinite, or detailed or rich in meaning, concepts are precise like whiteness is precise. Whiteness is what? Something about absolute reflecting of the light, is whiteness. Absorption of the light is blackness. But look at what’s in that light …

(Side three of tape ends.)

… once you have stopped blocking the free flow of light through your body the infinite light of the Creator, first you have to get past the survival stage, the red ray. That’s just whether you want to stay on the planet or not. And some people don’t. They have a lot of problems and their hearts are just closed. Some people have relationship problems and they’re blocked because they fear being possessed or they do not want to possess anybody and the other person wants to be in a possessive relationship. Relationships can go all over the map.

But there are many ways, let’s put it this way, that they can be either over activated which holds the energy there or just simply blocked, shut down, where energy is not getting to the heart. Once you get through opening up your vulnerability and saying “I know I’m vulnerable to the universe, but it’s all right, I’m an infinite being, this is just an illusion and I know I’m here to learn, so whatever happens, happens.” Or “The worst thing that can happen is I can die in this illusion and in reality I enter a larger life.”

Another way to get perspective is to say “Will this matter in a thousand years?” I use that one a lot. You open your heart and you stop judging and you just allow the light to flow and then whatever happens past that has to do with your gifts. If you’re a communicator, you stay a lot with blue ray, everybody in this density has a fairly dim indigo ray which is work in consciousness—feeling unworthy. And you can’t make yourself feel worthy, you simply can become aware of your true value, not as a self but as a part of the infinite love that is the whole creation.

So I think attitude—if I had to say one word I’d probably say “attitude.” Allow, accept, forgive, embrace, be generous, don’t let yourself get tight in holding back and upset, instead find some skillful way to express yourself. Don’t let your heart get blocked, don’t shut down that lovingness. Because humans can love only so much. You have to have the aid of the infinite one in order to open your heart and in order to be in the presence of the most high, and I have experienced it immediately again and again in my life.

So I can honestly say to you that I didn’t do anything extraordinary—I’ve never gone on a 40 days and 40 night fast in my life. I don’t take myself terribly seriously. I have an awful sense of humor. I tend to be fairly irreverent. But I have experienced the immediate presence of tabernacling with the Creator again and again.

I think it’s just if you open the door with your desire and your will and with the best faith that you can find and just keep doing it and be persistent, don’t be smart, don’t be wise, just be persistent and know what you’re seeking and things will come to you.

As to my linking into people and causing myself problems, basically it causes me problems because people feel I’m spying on them. That even happens sometimes with the mail. “How did you know?” Well, I didn’t know. I was going strictly on spontaneous blabbering the way I always do, I just let it roll. It gets me in trouble simply because people think their privacy has been compromised and they don’t like it and they don’t want someone knowing that they’re angry or unhappy or that there’s something going wrong with them and I can feel their pain.

Sometimes I have to change tables in a restaurant because some guy that was sitting there before was really giving off bad vibes. That’s why it causes me trouble. Ready for fourth density? Any time. But I don’t want to go before I finish what I came here to do, and since I don’t know what it was I came to do and will never know, hopefully I will die trying, and if I don’t hear, “Master, well done,” then I’m going to be crushed because this is my best effort.

But yes, it does make you a better teacher to sort of link into the mood of the students and I think anybody can start to do that. You can do that just by instead of saying “Well, this is illustrated by blah blah blah,” you can say “Well, now how would you illustrate it?” One way that Don used to do it in physics class was he would, at the end of each class, choose some little snippet, something scientific, of course, but something weird, like “What happens if you switched the optical nerve on a salamander,” that type of thing.

Give people, by little drip drops, the awareness that we don’t know what’s going on here. We’re teaching what we know but let’s think about what we don’t know. Don was really in sync with his students that way. Another way you can express being with the students in a course like that is to—Don would do a test every week and then he would throw out the three worst grades, because everybody has bad days.

And if a person was going to school on a military scholarship he would be kicked out if he didn’t make a certain grade average or if he flunked the class so Don would never flunk that person because he would refuse to be the one that would deny that person the rest of college and what comes after it because he was not having a good semester. So you can link into a lot of student things just by remembering when you were a student. But the more you do it I think the more you become aware.

A relationship with a mate where someone is being possessive and critical and the other person has to take it, that is not a real healthy situation. Because you’re supposed to pull together. You are one with the Creator, your spouse in one with the Creator, but there’s an “us,” that unless you both pull equally, you don’t get the “us” to be one with the Creator. That is the whole reason for being married in a church because you’re asking God into the relationship. And you’re asking to learn the lessons of love that only this intense mated relationship can give you.

Jim and I work it for all it’s worth and we really find things out about ourselves and each other. I have faults, I confess them. Jim has faults, he confesses them. We accept that in each other and therefore we try to avoid getting in a situation where we’re going to bring that fault out in that other person.

And I can say in this regard that I’m a jealous woman. And Jim knows that. He goes ahead and is friendly with everybody but he never gives me the slightest indication, unless he’s having a really weird day or he’s in a funny mood and writes a flirtatious letter or something, we all have our moments. But he tries, as much as he can, to help me avoid having to be jealous. But it’s my catalyst, it’s not his. He can’t do a whole lot about it. If I want to be jealous, I’ll be jealous. So my part in that is to look at it and say “Okay, you’re a jealous person, now sit with that, accept that, forgive yourself for that, and go on.”

So I think that the specialness of a relationship has to do with freedom of that relationship and trust. In other words, not that you agree to do everything exactly right for the rest of your life, but you agree to do the best that you can and to admit your mistakes and failings as a person and once that is all on the table then you just get ahead with pulling that wagon and it’s not a very easy hill to climb, life, and I think it gets steeper as you go on.

So I think any relationship is special but the mated relationship is the best working relationship in the world.

As to the love of a parent for a child, that is probably one’s first experience in unconditional love. You love your kid, no matter what. You just can’t help it.

Now you’re talking about who’s to blame for S1’s being jealous. No, you’re not responsible for her catalyst. You’re not responsible in any extent. I am perfectly aware that you are an attractive person and I am vaguely attractive, but it doesn’t come into this relationship. This relationship has to do with both of us trying to learn and you’re a very valued colleague of mine. I sincerely doubt that you’ve ever given S1 reason, a sincere, honest reason to be jealous.

To the extent that you womanize you would be creating catalyst for yourself of being untrue to a promise that you made to be faithful but still, her catalyst is hers and your catalyst is yours and you have to let people that you love hurt sometimes because you can’t really do much about it except say “I’m here, I’m not going away, and it’s okay if you feel like that, and it’s not true that I am what you fear I am, and I’ll just sit here with you and let all this be.

It’s a lot of just letting things be in a wise use of power in a relationship. The thing that really gets crooked in most relationships is that you get this thing going where you have rights and your spouse has rights and everything is measured out in quantities. Well, unconditional love doesn’t have a quantity, it’s a quality. And it falls like the rain, whether your spouse is behaving in your subjective opinion well, or not so well, you love that person the same and you do the best you can. You don’t own another person’s catalyst, you can’t own it, so forget it.

Just be in deep sympathy with woman because they really are brought up to be afraid that their guy is going to want someone who is younger, prettier, and curvier, or whatever happens to the old body in a lifetime of work and service and having children and so forth. A fruit tree that’s borne a lot of fruit tends to be gnarly, but God bless the man that loves that fruit tree and appreciates what that woman has gone through to give life to their children.

I would be perfectly happy to lose my slenderness had I been able to have children.

So there really isn’t any limitation to a good mated relationship, but you have promises you make and if you have promised to be faithful then you don’t break the promise without talking it over with your partner. That is the kind of thing where people say “Shouldn’t I have the right to be anything I want.” Sure. But you made this promise, see? And what is your word exactly worth now? It’s really rough now to keep your word, but are you going to keep it? There’s a prayer book phrase “in His service, is perfect freedom.”

When you are functioning as a part of the Creator’s love, you are free, and if people put strictures upon you or say “Oh, my God, I’m jealous, you can’t talk to this person.” Realize, that if this is enough of a problem for S1 that she really can’t deal with me and thinks I’m some kind of a threat, then somebody else is going to come along and help you out, but my guess is since I don’t think anybody has ever distrusted me after an actual eye-to-eye discussion, if S1 will be kind enough and patient enough to come and see me, it will be fine. Because I’m right here, I am what I am. Everything I am shows, I’ve never been cool in my life, but I am who I am and people trust me.

You do seem to have a fear of losing control, but passion is not uncontrolled. Going out of control is not passion, that’s fake, that’s sort of goosing yourself over the edge, driving too fast, or jumping out of an airplane, that gives you a mechanical imitation of passion, because you have lost control and you have to trust, or you have to let it be because there’s nothing you can do about it, you’ve put yourself in an uncontrollable situation and you discover, mechanically speaking, what passion is.

But what you have to do as a person is move into your own heart and find what makes that heart open the fastest and then work it for all it’s worth and there’s nothing to fear about that passion, that’s what we’re here to work on.

In order to help people it is essential that you know you are that person capable of exactly those sorrows so you’re not dealing with an alien that you’re judging, you’re dealing with the manure that’s showing you a part of yourself. Maybe you don’t want to see it, maybe you do, the more wise you get in this world the more you let people show themselves to you (and by definition show yourself to you in that mirror) in whatever way they show. You have to at some point or another realize that innocence doesn’t have to do with knowledge, it has to do with being purely who you are.

(Reads) “I sense that you are giving me the message to pay attention to life and not drift off too far into metaphysical thought.” It should be both. What you have to do is review your priorities very frequently and make sure that what you’re paying attention to is what you want to pay attention to.

Everything that happens to you is food for thought. And we have a lot of between times. We drive places, we’re between the beginning and the end of a journey, we sit in meetings where nothing’s going to happen for the next fifteen minutes, that kind of thing, and you can work on this metaphysical work that you’re doing in your field of consciousness, in working consciousness, not the work in your brain. You work in the brain to prioritize what you want to pay attention to, but in your field of consciousness you’re working in this density to love and to be ever stronger because you are allowing more love to flow through you.

(Reads) “People are like onions and the more layers you peal off the more they’re like Christ.” Well, that’s kind of a bad model. I wouldn’t use that model because actually when you finish peeling off all the layers off of an onion, there’s nothing there. I would prefer to use the idea of a certain amount of light that is introduced into a measured field, and we are able to enjoy and use a certain amount of that light.

People that are in the tropics all the time can stand a lot more sunlight than people who go to the beaches on vacation and turn into lobsters. But what we’re looking for is not emptiness but fullness, at least in the Western tradition. The eastern tradition of going towards nirvana would indeed suggest the onion concept, in end there are infinites there, and you’re not a self, and you’re not solid and you’re not solidified, and you have no ego and you have no body and you have no form and no mind, and you’re empty.

But that doesn’t work in western culture. We’re far too over stimulated to experience emptiness. Besides, I don’t think it makes full use of the catalyst so I would say the more light we allow into our lives by taking risks boldly, in trusting people, in being vulnerable, in trying to tell the truth, in trying to get things worked out in loving and so forth, the more light we can take. And the more light we can take, the more light we can take. And it’s just allowing more and more density of light to fill our field of consciousness so that more and more we do resemble the Christ love.

Reads: “Are you saying that we suffer because of harsh judgments of ourselves?” Yes. That is the most common cause of suffering. Self judgment. We can forgive everybody almost everything but we don’t give ourselves a break, not even one Tuesday a year, it’s just amazing how hard we are on ourselves. I have spent a lot of my life catching up with that one.

Yes, I expect that when we review our incarnations we’ll feel just the same as we did when at the end of our semester we get our grades and think “You know, talking about that second essay question, I really could have done better.”

Yes, catalyst is an opportunity for growth. I sitting here on this bed, I’m in a lot of pain, but I am in a lot of joy and that’s because I embrace this pain. And I’m not afraid of it. What’s it going to do, kill me? That’s okay. I’m ready. But I don’t want to go until it’s my time and if I have to experience pain well I have the faith that I’m experiencing what I need to experience to learn what I need to learn about love and that is that there is no condition in which there is not love. And in the bible it says that there are some illnesses that give glory to God, Christ said that somewhere. I’m not a scholar. I’ve read the bible every day since I was 13 but I don’t memorize verses and stuff, I’m not that kind of a person.

Yes, it’s not particularly a good idea to be so detached from a situation that you simply observe it. We’re here to be engaged, to care, to be vulnerable and to experience some good things, some difficult things. We’re here to learn. Learning is hard. Change is hard. But if you want to work on your spiritual beingness you’re going to take a hard way to go and it doesn’t get any easier, it’s just that it’s the most beautiful way to live, the most loving way to live, so if I’m wrong about everything I ever said and I die and I go down to the earth and my bones melt and become food for rose bushes I have still lived the best life I know.

I do the best I can. And I really do respect every little thing in this incarnation. I don’t think things are beneath my notice because they’re small. I lack a good deal of coolness. I’ve never ever been able to do something cliché and cool in my life I’m just wearing my heart on my sleeve all the time. Yes, my expression “respect the incarnation,” simply has to do with the fact that we are in the valley of the shadow of death, we are in an illusion, but we put ourselves in this illusion to do some really hard work within ourselves to open our hearts and to learn how to love because that’s the lesson right now: to make that choice of love—to get off our duffs one way or the other and either become Saddam Hussein or try for Mother Theresa.

We’ll never make it but unless we focus on that ideal and move with all of our might and nerve and caring in everything we do to go towards that excellence then our race has not been properly run and we haven’t respected our opportunities.

I think it’s a matter of attitude, I think basically, little by little I’ll just sort of vaguely chip away as you ask about passion in different ways and you’ll sort of get to where you grasp the area of things that I’m talking about and can start working with it in your own way. Men do nurture each other, they slap each other on the backs, they kick each other in the pants, they snap each other with towels, they play terrible practical jokes and that means they’re okay. Men make great sacrifices for each other—“I won’t go out with her if she’s your girlfriend.” “I’m going to fall on this grenade so my friend doesn’t get hurt.”

Men have a great capacity for nurturing, they’re just not brought up to nurture with anything except providing. They’re learning how to be generous with their money and their time in working for the family, whereas women have been brought up to nurture. A lot of it is in the training. Yes, there is some in the polarization, but men have the woman right inside there, they run female energy all the time and woman run male energy.

If I was going to choose one person to fly a very complicated fighter jet, it would be woman I know that’s an engineer. She’d never make a mistake. So really you can’t take anything as it looks, you have to allow the heart of things to come through; open up to things.

You said you’re rather passive by nature, and I was sort of challenging you by saying I believe not in reacting, but in acting. We are co-creators.

Not trying to control anyone is excellent. That’s tolerance. Try for charity. Try to allow people their freedom but love them while you’re doing it. That is a positive choice. The tolerance apparently is part of your nature. It is essential that people feel free in relationships and you seem to be good at doing that; you’re not a controlling person. You’re not very nice to yourself about a lot of things, though. You’re taking blame where you don’t need to. Look at that. Just look at that. Your fantasies are a kiss and a hug. S, I kiss and hug people all the time. That doesn’t sound as much like a fantasy as it is a kind of wishful desire to know what it’s like to be a touchy person instead of an untouchy person.

I grew up in a family where there was argument and noise and chaos but there was a lot of touching and I fully respect the fact that lots of people in our culture grew up with no touching whatsoever, so I simply wait for the person to indicate whether he wants to shake hands, or hug, or give me a kiss on the cheek, obviously one doesn’t smooch with one’s confreres but hugging is just saying “Okay, all right, we’re together, that’s great.” That’s a sad fantasy in a way. Maybe you should pick up your kids once a day or kiss them good night and start touching more within the realm of your own family and discover how very valuable that is, how reassuring, how healing touch is.

I have to pass on infinity. My hunch would be that we are talking about uncountable infinity but not an uncountable infinity having to do with numbers. And I have no idea what that means, it’s just a hunch.

Do I have fears about anything? I don’t have the big fears that people have. I’m afraid of flying. I didn’t use to be but there’ve been lots of crashes. I’m afraid of spiders, I don’t know why. I’m not afraid of being up high in something but I cannot stand near the edge of a balcony or ledge. But as far as being afraid of being hurt, or being insulted, or not being able to withstand this or that, being afraid of pain or being afraid of death. Too much has happened to me. I’ve lived a lot in these 47-48 years and I don’t see a lot to be afraid of.

I hope you do see the necessity for honoring S1 and attempting to open the situation to a heart full of love that I have for both of you. If I can help S1 in any way I’d be delighted to but she hasn’t written me with any needs or any questions that I could address, but I’d be glad to, same as you. So it’s really one of those things that we just need to get acquainted. I’m sound of mind even though dealing in a very unorthodox subject but hopefully working in a path of service in Jesus name. And I think that would probably heal that in her.

“Inner planes” has to do with entities that have lived on this earth and have decided to come back as spirits and help people that are still here on the physical plane. They can come into the inner plane from anywhere else if they’ve lived here on earth at one time or another but the inner planes are only for earth dwellers, it’s just that they don’t have an earth body at this time, but they choose to remain and teach.

By crowded universe I meant that there are cosmic influences for the positive and for the negative oriented and seekers who want negatively oriented information, if they are skillful in their tuning can tune so that they only get negative information. People that want only positive information tune themselves to the best possible level that they can hold in a stable manner and open themselves up to that one radio station, just that one, it’s just like tuning your radio.

So outer planes entities fall like rain on us all. The information is out there, its impersonal, it’s a matter of prioritizing. Channeling is what I do. It meant enough to me that I wanted to do it regardless. In principle Q’uo and Aaron could communicate. They did, but it wouldn’t have done a thing for the human race and they’re here to help so they talk through us.

I’ve already focused on this: “Look at your faults and see them as … virtues” and you’re recording “Each night before going to sleep and each morning before getting out of bed consult the list and carefully contemplate each entry, feel good about each of the points, each of the things that are good about you.” Absolutely.

That was the way I studied in college. I could become eidetic with a certain body of material if I read it over three times before I went to bed and three times in the morning. What I did was read whatever it was I had to read through once, just read it, no stopping, just scan it. Then I would go through it a second time, I would take my little marker and I would highlight what I thought were the important points. The third time I went through it I would get it into an outline form on a piece of paper, I would then take this paper and read it three times before bed and three times in the morning, go in and take the test, burp it all back up and then let it go.

What you’re focusing on, especially in the hypnogogic state is what you’re going to be thinking about so it’s very, very helpful to use that state to suggest to yourself that you can choose to look at the things about you which you think are good and are perhaps gifts that you can give to other people. It’s all about loving.

(Referring to his letter.) Interesting discussion about praising the lord here. It’s wonderful to praise the Lord. There isn’t any time in my life and I’ve had some fairly extreme times, having died clinically once, that I didn’t feel it possible to praise the Lord. Because the Lord is there palpable to me. I can’t do that to other people, I can only witness to it. But as you praise, you get so much back and then the thanksgiving just wells up in you and it’s immediate. It’s a healing experience and every time you stop and go “Thank you Lord for this day, I really praise you for the beauty of this flower.” Whatever. You’re putting your mind on a tract that’s really going to be fruitful because what you give to yourself you can give to others.

It’s more eastern than western to look at the attributes of God: power, greatness, love, mercy, whatever. I don’t do too much attributing this and that to the Father, I just experience it in a non verbal way to the best of my ability, I just feel, but since I’m a very verbal person I can express it and it do in poems and stuff.

“If you [I] were a woman you [I] would be somewhat fearful and distrustful of men.” I tell you what, I don’t have any problem with that because I don’t do anything to men. I’ll be their friend. But I don’t exhibit any particular favoritism for one man over another. I have never called a man in my life. Every person that I’ve ever taken into my heart has first been my friend for a long time—two, three years. So the men that have become involved with me have chosen to become involved with me. I lean heavily on being able to be asked and not having to ask. I see no virtue in being the one that asks.

Because if a man isn’t dotty about you, things are not going to go right and it’s quite obvious when a man isn’t dotty about you. There’s nothing you can do about that. Women can fake it, men can’t, so I just trust everybody and love everybody, but I don’t flirt. And that’s all that a woman has to fear is that a man would “do her wrong” or something like that. And how could a man do me wrong? I’m just being a friend.

Do I succeed in getting people to pick a story? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

Avalon is 93 acres upriver from here in Trimble County which is about half way between here and Cincinnati, about eight miles south of the Ohio, on a great big Creek that runs into the Ohio. Wonderfully well-watered land. A wilderness really. We have a shack down there, it’s truly a shack but Jim has fixed it up so that the wind doesn’t blow through it. It’s a great place to camp, very comfortable beds and so forth and he goes there a lot just to be by himself, because living in the same house with anybody can drive you crazy and especially living in the same house 24 hours a day with a person that isn’t moving around and has got a really altered experience. It kind of bends you, and a well person needs to get away from that, so I encourage him to go as often as he will go. He won’t go as much as I wish he would.

Can a machine think? Certainly. A machine can think logically. It can’t think intuitively. About the best they could do intuitively would be random number generator type stuff.

What is thinking? Think is what you decide it’s going to be. You can use your mind to the exclusion of your consciousness and your intuition or you can move in your feelings to an intuitive thought and act on it and have no way to explain the process you went through but in some ways you were accurate or not.

And since this is the last question, and Jim has come in, I’m going to say bye-bye.

Love,

Carla

  Skip Navigation LinksL/L Research Carla’s Niche Letter Tapes April 4, 1991

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