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Carla’s Niche

Carla’s Letter Tapes

CAVEAT: Warning! These letters have not been edited by Carla. Expect errors.

Letter to S

April 3, 1990

Dear S,

The [background] noise is the happy sound of people who are putting in guttering much needed and never having had before, ever since we came onto our magic kingdom house, financed by the kindness of Uncle Sam who seems to feel that people who take as many pills as I do ought to get something back on their taxes, which is greatly appreciated, so we decided to put the money into guttering, a trip to see Jim’s folks and his high school reunion, and a trip up to Cape Cod to visit my friend H. In all three cases—I mean in the two traveling cases, the hospital bed rental was not a problem so I should be very comfortable, and I should be on the plane for just so long so there will not be a meditation this week, or the week after that for some reason …

This next week is the Bach Society performance on Palm Sunday, which will be glorious—if a bit melodramatic. Rossini’s Stabat Mater is quite a piece of theater in addition to being pretty music, but definitely not the substantive kind of work that I enjoy hearing the most—but who’s griping. It’s pretty and besides I get to sing alto this time, which to me is like a vacation. I love singing alto. Why isn’t it going to happen next Sunday? It has something to do with Jim’s plans but it’s not coming clear to me at this moment but I’m sure it will in the future sometime and I’ll explain again. But after that I’m sure we’ll be back in business.

I really did intend to be good today and start with the top letter and put the mail that we got today on the bottom, do as I always do in order to be fair, but sometimes it’s just a feeling of mine that “some pigs are more equal than others.” I know that’s not an exact quote—let’s say “some animals are more equal than others”, (and we’ll avoid piggery) because I realize that you take things to heart and (inaudible) your brain over them probably a hundred times more than a lot of the people who write in that are genuinely distressed or distraught or questioning about something but simply don’t have the apparatus, the machinery, or the training to get into as many foul-ups as the good philosopher can.

Now this answer may not help you terribly much but I felt that it was something I wanted to do before I take my nap, and to respond as best I could. I didn’t mark it because I felt that I needed to answer just about sentence by sentence—you do think in a very dense and careful way, and I want to respond to you seriatim. No thank you is ever needed from you S. We are colleagues—we thank each other by our being.

The import of the stuff that you have taken will always awe you—it won’t stop bringing you to your knees, realizing your humility. Any ministry is something that takes that which one does not have. That is, ideal behavior, or ideal being, or ideal essence—whatever sort of process you want to put the word ideal into, the point of it is that it is an ideal carried out against the backdrop of a tawdry and decidedly pragmatic and non-idealistic background of civilization, no matter what civilization you’re in, and of course, I think we could easily be compared to the fall of Rome and the kinds of things that were going on at that time with obvious results.

Any ministry, taken seriously, is indeed, the most momentous thing that you will ever do in your life, except, of course, for other ministries that you have taken such as being a mate and being a parent. These two are attempts to bring into an unhealthy and imperfect world, the very shadow of the ideal that you have faith is there somewhere and you seek that shadow even if you cannot find the substance in anything you see or hear or touch, or sense in any way with your physical being. There is no other reason to marry or to breed children, philosophically or spiritually speaking, but ministry, service to others.

The contract of marriage—a hopelessly idealistic one. A contract which says “give everything and expect absolutely nothing in return.” Nobody can fulfill that contract, but we try, or at least the ones of us that have consciousnesses try. Again, when we have children, we don’t even have it written down but we know that these children will not even exist passed their first hour or day unless we take care of them—they come into this world dependent upon us and ideally we are to bring them up to know the highest and best and most beautiful and truthful of all the things that this world and the world beyond it has to offer.

Each of these steps is irreversible in terms of one’s word in keeping it although of course marriage, having of children and the acceptance of the ministry, are all things that people walk away from all the time. They are being false to themselves—it is an irreversible process and they will have to come back and do this work again, but if things become too dicey for one in a marriage or a parenthood, or a ministry, there is no shame or guilt in sitting by the side of the road for a while and allowing the creation to minister to one as it will, if you’re patient.

Now you are experiencing this commitment in terms of responsibility. That’s good. It is also important to remember that the other side of that coin is honor and that is the pride I think you’re talking about. Pride is not foolish, responsibility isn’t foolish either, but it is a coin of a kind that is not understood until one has released a great deal that you as a person will have to gaze at, consider and consciously face before you can release it.

You ask how strong are you and how clear in your commitment to service, and you note that so much of service is distorted service to self. All right, let’s look at that.

You, yourself, are not particularly strong—none of us is. We come to the end of our human strength long before the needs of any ministry are met, and everything (underline this) everything we do in service to others is by definition, service to self, because we serve others who are ourselves.

There is no way we can escape serving ourselves. It is not selfish to serve ourselves by feeding yourself the bread of heaven that you need to be the instrument that you are; it’s not selfish to keep yourself in some kind of trim so that you can go on being of service to others, yet it feels like it. The answer is so simple that it is terrifying. And it is called “surrender.”

You gaze at your arrogance in thinking you can do this job, you gaze at your pride and the possible temptations of impressing or changing other people and you just gaze at them—that’s all. You don’t overcome them, you don’t pardon them, you don’t have to do anything to them. This work is being done in your daily meditation and these things which are the very basis of your life. Not just your ministry but your life.

You’re in the process of forgiving yourself for this sort of thing in every direction which we look. It’s just that it’s clearer how the process of working—how you are so beguiled by pride and the power of the responsibility that you have into criticizing yourself for being unworthy. Letting your heart of hearts, and listen to me now, you are perfectly aware that the answer is that you need only gaze steadfastly and with love at your fear, your pride, your foolishness, your honor, your weakness, your strength, your distortions, you merely gaze at them. You accept yourself because you are surrendering that self to be a hollowed-out instrument.

Things are produced through an instrument—not from an instrument. In conscious channeling there is a portion of the channeling that is almost always made up of things that you have heard recently, of things you have considered, books that you have read, a vocabulary that you have recently used, and this is sometimes very confusing—this is usually very confusing to the new channel because the constant question is: “I’m just channeling myself, aren’t I?” And the answer to that is: certainly. But you are the entire universe once you surrender. And that greater self that you surrender to is going to use the fodder that lies nearest to it to speak in a way characteristic of only you. And therefore of use to a certain idiosyncratic type of person that I couldn’t reach, Jim couldn’t reach, whomever couldn’t reach, but you could reach.

That is the joy of conscious channeling and basically of channeling in general. And even in trance channeling, I believe the personality of the instrument creates (and the group too) creates, to a great extent, a kind of channeling that will be coming through that instrument because each instrument tunes to it’s own unique best approach to the ideal state of utter surrender, total faith, leaping into the darkness with no foothold, no sight, no knowledge, no idea of what comes next.

But having taken the care to make the contact and having accepted that contact, one releases oneself to that contact. One surrenders to the Divine, and one then is an instrument of peace, healing, faith, consolation, new approaches to old knowledge, joy, light, laughter, service to others, basically, and it matters not one little bit what you think of it.

You can dislike your channeling—you can be very high on your own channeling, or you can, as I have done, just quite thinking about it because one has been doing it too long to invest too much worry in any one channeling session—you’d go kind of crazy—I’ve been channeling since 1974 and this is 1990 (laughs) that’s a long time, so I am very much aware what you are saying.

You are curious as to the means by which you may lose yourself. Picture a ravening wolf—he runs at you, he’s going to tear and rend you, you gaze at him and you feel no fear. You notice his fangs, you notice his claws, you notice the rapid hatred in his eyes and you know that it is that entities nature to tear and rend, and so you are torn apart and eaten and you still send love. And you die and you still send love. And the wolf looks around for bits and pieces of your carcass for he senses there is something more to eat but he cannot find it because you are still loving him.

In your no self is your greatest self. No beast of intellect or fear, or inadequacy of any kind can rob from you your selfhood. You can scratch the old physical vehicle and start over with a new one, but you’re not going to lose yourself. How could you lose yourself? There is nothing to you but consciousness. The rest is just this collection of chemicals that we swish around in.

We do not become ministers because we think we can do it better than other people. We become ministers because we are called to it. If we are not called to it, we will wear out because it will be a human thing and it will come to an end. There’s no shame in that, but I don’t see this happening with you, S. I see M and you as a very strong and permanent work team much like Jim and I are. We have many limitations and speaking only for myself there is hardly a more foolish or selfish or silly person sometimes in this whole world than I am.

I’m often quite cast down with my own inequity. But it doesn’t keep me from having the call to minister to other people, so I have learned and am still learning in the process of it very slowly to allow myself to be disappointed in myself, to allow myself to have various thoughts about myself that are jaundiced or egoistical, or false—it doesn’t t matter. That’s not what the rest of the world sees. It doesn’t matter. That’s our stuff. That’s what we’re working with.

When we channel, when we minister, we have released all hope of help, of being of help, of being of service, we have released, we must release, any hope of outcome, except to do the will of the One who sends you to do this call, to do this job. Call that entity or principle what you will; you have surrendered to it and it guides your destiny as a minister and as a channel—not you—you could not possibly in a million years, none of us could be very good as a minister to others because we’re all bozos—all of us.

Many people argue with me on this point—not because they don’t think that they’re bozos, but because they don’t see it in me. Well, just hang around the house for a few days (laughs)—no problem, you’ll find it. Everybody’s a bozo.

Then you begin talking about sometimes not being disappointed in yourself; sometimes feeling that you have done fairly well but have been given credit for much more than that and you’re uncomfortable with the praise. They’re not praising you—they’re praising something they saw come through you. Let it happen. It doesn’t have anything to do with you—there’s no ego involved.

Now you can twist your intellect around endlessly in rationalizations about the nature of ministry and the nature of faith and the nature and process of surrender that call within you to service. But it really doesn’t matter—it’s just a game that your mind plays. You will become weary of it and cease having quite so much trouble with it but it will take years. In the meantime you will feel cast down when others are disappointed, a little nervous and even upset when others praise you too highly, you will have emotional reactions which don’t have anything to do with your emotions. They are inappropriate.

It takes a long time to learn that. The new channel keeps thinking that he’s doing it. You’re not doing it. You’re surrendering after very careful tuning and hooking up with the right vibration to a ministry that is beyond you and beyond anything finite. The ministry of the Ideal, the Imperishable, the Eternal and the Divine.

None of us is worthy. This should be obvious. Otherwise, we’d all be building little stairways to heaven. We’d all be agnostics. We’d learn things, one after the other, very studiously until we’d learned them all and finally had all the answers. I’ll never know the answers. The best we can do in this incarnation, in this density is to find out what the questions are. That where we put our energy.

Now you see you are not hovering over the abyss of despair, you have cast yourself into it, because the abyss of despair is the abyss of surrender. Of yourself you can do nothing, yet you wish to help. It is a human dilemma. It is the approach to the noumenal. The only possible approach to the noumenal. The leap of faith—the strident “Yop,” the barbaric “Yop” of “Here am I, send me” as you leap into the darkness that you don’t even know anything about. The darkness of your own beingness in a larger sense. The abyss of faith.

You can intellectually attempt to remain somehow held above this abyss by attempting to name it, as you said “with the rigidity of posture” instead of saying “Well, I can’t do this—I just really can’t, you’re just going to have to help me or do it for me—here I am—send me, I’ll do whatever you say but I’m just me,” you say “I’ll work harder, I’ll be better,” and that gives you enough pride to feel that you’ve launched yourself into the abyss in an appropriate manner.

The only appropriate manner in which to launch oneself into the abyss of spiritual seeking and ministry, is the realization of one’s own complete helplessness as an intellect with a personality. We are finite consciously, we must trust the unconsciousness within ourself to steer us—we must trust the spirit that moves us to move us appropriately. We must surrender both our pride and our folly.

I’m not taking a short cut by saying this: people have a great deal of difficulty with the concept of the no-self; the self that is beyond the known self. It is, of course, the paradox of which all things spiritual are made. But that is your true being—to be no self, to be impersonal—you are one with the most high and you have absolutely no clue as to why, where or what. You’re not a reporter—you’re a pilgrim, blind, peering into the darkness, a stranger in a strange land within a dream within a dream within a dream. There are not words to describe the situation one is in when one ministers to people.

What has stood me in my best stead is my mysticism. There are a lot of things that have never made any sense to me but I simply accept them on faith because it felt right. I have a good deal of intellect but I’m not an intellectual. I’m not fond of serious thinking. I don’t like to make my engine work that hard—I like to idle—I’m lazy, and this has stood me in good stead.

It is not that I don’t do what I do as well as I can, I am in the habit of doing everything as well as I can. I would be very hurt if someone accused me of doing anything with less than a whole heart. On the other hand, I’m not a person that goes back and rewrites and rethinks and re-thises and that’s. What I do, I do was well as I can and then it’s gone—it’s a child and it’s left home. And this has stood me in good stead.

As you proceed in becoming more aware of the personality of the self that ministers, as opposed to the personality of yourself, you may well become more comfortable with the concept of no self. Being a realist in the most resonant part of yourself. There is no end to yourself because you are one with the creator, one with all that is. You’re all that there is. You distort things in this incarnation so that you can learn. There’s a lot of personal sacrifice that goes into living a life of ministry. Each person’s sacrifice is different. Each person sacrifices the dross of his own particular idiosyncratic nature. It gets chipped away sometimes very easily, and sometimes it’s terribly rough as a dentist scrapes the tartar off your teeth—but it goes. Inexorably, and as a process, we continually die a little bit each day to the old limited viewpoint concerning self.

The person that is a minister is not better than the people to whom he ministers—he is their servant. We are called in ministry to be pilgrims, to be servants, to offer ourselves with no expectation of any return whatsoever.

So what is your motivation for ministry? Pride, despair in having meaning in your life any other way, the culmination of despair and pride. It’s your inequity—play with it as you will, but it is not at all important. You have nothing much to say about how much you’re worth. You can try to have a lot to say about your self-worth, I have always looked at myself with a very jaundiced eye. I tend to feel that I am worth absolutely nothing and somebody should take me back to the factory and get the rebate (laughs) and try again, because people have to do a lot of maintenance on me just to keep me going at all. And if you think that isn’t despairing, try it. Ask M. It’s absolutely maddening. It’s a great temptation to feel real despair—real uselessness—very, very low self-esteem.

Then as a provider, on the other side of the coin, as Jim works as provider with me, physically getting me dressed and undressed, and this and that (and you work with M) he has the opportunity to feel put-upon, selfish, arrogant, ungrateful, all sorts of things having to do with attitude towards being of service, even though he wants to be of service, there is just too much to do, and as a human being he simply cannot do it all with the greatest of ease, the daring young man on the flying trapeze. The net bounces you in the face time and again as you slip and fall, and regardless of which side you’re on—whether you’re being helped or the one who helps. It’s not a crisis—it’s a situation that goes on from Day One until you croak.

There is no way to avoid feeling low self-esteem if we’re honest with ourselves, and if you read the lives of the saints, you’ll see that they considered themselves terribly, terribly sinful. Why? Because they examined themselves. Because they had the guts, the courage, the honesty to examine themselves and they were not at all satisfied. They were furious with themselves. You don’t find a saintly person who is an intellectual who is at all fond of themselves. The only holy people that I know of that are truly happy are those that do everything they do for the love of God. They’re usually in very humble positions, they sweep, they cook, they make gardens, they toss hay, and everything they do is holy to them, and everything they do reveals to them the presence of Christ.

And so they are happy. Why? They don’t judge what they do. They don’t have to question whether this is more important than doing that. Somehow they’ve hit on this truth that the rest of us have trouble with, that there’s nothing more important than anything else. It’s all one thing. Whether it’s picking up a piece of lint or picking up the Ra contact. The holiness in it is doing it for the love of the Creator and the two are identical services. One is not greater than the other by any means.

(Side one of tape ends.)

So there goes your arrogance, S, and there goes your despair. You don’t know what you’re doing, you only know you’re doing it for the love of the infinite One.

But the intellect must chew and it will chew upon itself, and the course, the paradox of pride in ministry, as opposed to the lack of warmth in one who ministers will be wound that shall be reopened again and again and again. We’re lost in the deafness of our own self-doubt. We can’t hear the hallelujahs of the glorious company that we keep. We dwell with angels, but all we hear is our self-doubt because we’re in an illusion and we’re here to learn.

I’m not going to tell you to refrain from being worried, concerned about your worthiness for ministry, about the enormity of your responsibility, about the nuances of leaping into that abyss, perhaps because of some reasons you’re not very proud of, desire perhaps to twist the little minds of people about you. You’ll be doing that, off and on. It’s what you do. You’re a philosopher, you teach this sort of thing. What philosophy does not for the most part teach is the faith that lies beyond the self knowing the self. There is a no-self. That is the no-self of the faith.

Here we come into your very logical, obviously, since I wasn’t reading on I was just talking on and I looked down at your next sentence and here you are saying: “And alas, but yes, the pathway heads perilously down into the deep regions where faith is the sole support.”

So obviously you and I are both fairly logical people or we both think illogically in the same way, but here too, you say “My motivation must be assiduously scrutinized—do I tread this path for the sake of my attainment, my peace of mind, my salvation?”

Certainly not. Ministry is very uncomfortable. You tread this path for the sake of your failure, for the sake of your distress of mind, for the sake of your feeling of iniquity. This is not a comfortable path and it doesn’t get better. It’s joyful—it’s humorous—it’s full of good times, good comradeship, fine people that you meet along the way, but the kind of payback the person who believes that he is working his own magic would receive is forever denied to you, because you know you’re not doing it, you see. It may feel to you as if you were doing it, but as you continue doing it, you’ll discover that you couldn’t possibly be doing this all by yourself. You would have run out by now.

And I say this with absolute firmness of belief because I’ve channeled now continuously almost every week since 1974 and I definitely would have run out by now, S. Nobody is that verbose—not even I (laughs). The reward of service is that you have been called and you have answered, that’s all. It’s a transaction. You buy it, you go home, that’s it. For better or for worse. That’s what you’ve been called to do.

Now, you do not agonize to the extent of paralysis over your marriage, which is a path of ministry. You do not become paralyzed over the agonizing decisions you must make as a parent, which is certainly a ministry, and you will not be paralyzed by the agony of this call either. Because you will learn that it doesn’t do any good. That in the end you just carry on and things lighten up, so you just take it easy. If something is too perplexing, sleep on it, and when you get up and the answer isn’t there, meditate on it. Sleep on it again. Watch and wait. Watch and pray.

This is a very weary world. Everyone in it is tremendously thirsty for the drink which will quench their thirst forever. For the bread and the drink of heaven. You have felt the call to be a part of that which ministers to that part of people that yearns for the ideal and the divine. You’ve chosen the path of Don Quixote. You’ve chosen the path which will lead some to ridicule you, some to blaspheme you and call you all sorts of satanic names and others go in the complete opposite direction and over-idealize you until you perfectly squirm under it.

You’ll discover that neither the extremes of being disapproved of or lionized has in the end much bearing on how you feel about what you do. Because what you’re trying to do is to find about more and more about what your true self is so that you can do your ministry in a purer and purer manner.

This is why you’ve got a lot ahead in terms of process in terms of work done of people who have not led an examined life previous to their call. Most people don’t make it in ministry and give in to some temptation or another for self-aggrandizement because they don’t know themselves very well. They don’t know how to recognize that everything that aggravates them is themselves. That’s not particularly grammatical, but you know what I mean.

If you see something you love, it is you. If you see something you hate, it is you. There’s no difference. You’re both of those things. You’re lovable and you’re hate-able. You’re all that this is. You just chose to manifest in a certain way. And you find that some biases go deeper than others and as you examine your days of your life and your incarnational pattern, you find out what your very deepest motifs of self are. You find out what your feeling your sense of self is, and you determine to be true to it. As a matter of fact, you can’t help being true to it. Because once you’ve seen it, you wouldn’t want to be untrue to it—it would confuse you utterly.

So no matter how carefully you scrutinize your ministry for motivation, you will never find the reward in any tangible sense because if you are praised you will feel over-praised, if you are criticized, you will feel over-criticized. You will begin to have a kind of impersonal feeling about it because you’ve surrendered, you’ve gone through a process, you’ve done what you’ve been called to do, and you’re ready to go on and do something else to be of service.

That is the great thing about being called to ministry. You may be tried you may rest, but you will always be called again and again to serve. You won’t know how you’re doing and in the end you’ll discover it doesn’t matter. Sure, you’re being of service to yourself, how could you not be of service to yourself if you’re doing what you think you ought to be doing. I’ll let that one sink in a while.

It isn’t that you expect a return so much, it isn’t that you have your self-respect or your self-worth on the line when you come to channel or when you get reaction from your channeling, it’s that you are in the hands of something that is only a shadow upon this earth—the ideal. You’re not that ideal—only your non-self is part of that ideal. The non-self that still loves the wolf after it has eaten you all up and there’s nothing left of your flesh and bones. Can that be self-aggrandizement—can that be despair? What can that be? It can be nothing at all, but attitude. The attitude that you had going into the ministry of surrender to love, to compassion. It’s not your compassion, it’s not your love—you’d run out very quickly. You’d start disliking that wolf really fast if it was just you. You’d start kicking and biting and running away.

Now in this ministry you find there is a place beyond all the self-examination, where nothing of you is left—not one shred of bone or sinew—brain cell or personality, but only “Here I am lord, send me.” And you are sent. And that’s all there is to it. There’s not much emotion there. There’s no reward. Of course, there are tremendous rewards because you meet so many interesting people and you do get human good feeling from the fellowship of people of like mind. You know how we four enjoyed being together? It’s very, very sweet to have companions along the way. But it’s not why we’re doing this—it just happened to work out this way and we’re lucky we know each other.

Not all of the transactions of ministry will be like this. I have been scourged mercilessly by people for doing what I believe it is my call to do. And there you say again, just exactly what I’m saying: “Is this not the mystery of the sacrifice of embodiment?” Yes. There you go. You are not embodiment. You are not S. You are he who is called. You are he who has said, send me. And the person who truly says that does not look back.

You may have really dry seasons; you won’t stop being a human being at all. As a matter of fact you’ll be harder on yourself than you ever were in your whole life, that’s why it’s so uncomfortable to do this work. You see so clearly your own inequities (laughs). They are ever before you. But you see, that’s all part of the illusion and you can see yourself as part of the illusion and it ends up rather humorous. I have found myself laughing hysterically at the whole black humor of it all.

“How do I (Carla) fare, you say? Oh, good heavens. I’m fine except for my physical body which has gone out on strike in several different ways. I cannot imagine what has occurred. But again I’m gaining weight without eating much at the rate of about one half a pound per day in water, and look about four months pregnant. My ego has gone down the tubes. I like to look slender. I might have to have an amputation after all. They have “news at 11” on that one. I’m in the middle of tests—they’re thinking about taking my uterus out, it’s filled with water, and my neck seems to be more distorted than anyone thought and there is talk of fusion of it, and I can’t sit up very well and am having a heck of a time physically, but inside all of that it has been a wonderful time for me lately. I’ve felt a strength and a wholeness and a peace that often alludes me—it’s been a good time lately and I really have rejoiced in it.

Thanks for the concerns that you share with me. I hope I have been able to at least follow you along in your process of thinking about these things and to indicate to you that I didn’t really look at this letter sentence by sentence as I intended to because I kept getting up on my soapbox and orating. But I was indeed following your letter simply because you have a trained, philosophical mind and my logic circuitry is nothing to sneeze at either.

Just don’t let it hag ride you. Let your mind serve you but don’t let it run you. You’re not what you think. Was it Descartes? I can’t remember, but he had it all wrong. It’s not “I think, therefore I am.” We know that. It’s “I am, therefore I think.” Sometimes right, sometimes wrong, sometimes I don’t even think, but beneath it all is our essence which isn’t even personal. It’s consciousness.

Tell M that I sympathize with her very much about her fingers failing her. Seems to be a dry season for me too, physically, but we shall persevere. And that being said, I think I shall take a short nap before my incredibly luxurious dinner. (Laughs)

God Bless and let me hear from you. I look forward to the next time I hear from you and thank you for this absolutely beautiful card. As you obviously know from gazing at my living room rug, my love of the Baroque, the oriental complexity in these rugs is very strong and I feel very comforted by the complex and intricate patterns—I don’t know why, but a plain rug is not pleasing to me. The showy ones, you know the ones with a center and then a wide space with things around the edges don’t thrill me at all. I like the ones that are a whole pattern—complex from end to end—this really is a beautiful card.

Hope this helps a little bit. I certainly, of course, hope that I’ll not have to go through the various things I mentioned, but if I do, I do. That’s the way it goes. It may be that kind of year. (Laughs) Too bad I gave up my secondary health insurance, you know the one that pays you $80 a day if you’re hospitalized. Well, I thought, I won’t need that and then immediately went to the hospital (laughs). It looks like I may have to go in for two separate things, I don’t know how I’m going to fit them in, I have other things to do, thank you very much, but I did make the move of retiring from active duty in about a dozen committees and programs having to do with church work. Obviously the decks are being cleared for something new and I look forward to finding out what that is.

Meanwhile I look at the fourteen letters that were ahead of yours and I apologize to them all, but your needs were more important—at least I thought so, being a pig myself.

Have a good time up there on the animal farm and we’ll snort around here with good humor.

Try not to talk to me on the phone, it hurts to hold the phone right now. If you have to talk to somebody, talk to Jim, my neck is killing me.

Whenever you all can come down just let us know. You’re always welcome and I don’t say that to many people. As you know James is very (inaudible) of his precious private time and he’s fond of you too. So come when you can and write when you can and know that we are with you and your comrades in a ministry that is certainly tilting at windmills. Let it be that—just let it be. Let yourself be. That’s the peace that the world knows not of.

Lots of love and peace to both of you. Be talking to you.

Love,

Carla

  Skip Navigation LinksL/L Research Carla’s Niche Letter Tapes April 3, 1990

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