Letter to D

Hey, girl. This is side 1, Tape to D from Carla at L/L:

It’s a hot and muggy day. I will not say it’s terribly humid, but I will say I am writing you in my underclothes. One of the joys of having company through the mail you can be a little bit more comfortable. I will check with Jim and make absolutely sure he got your check. Given the things that have been happening in the last week, there could be some slip-ups (or is that slips-up?).

Jim and I were married in 1987 and our best man, Ron Clay, died Saturday, and he was a very deeply spiritual person, even though he was considered a very bad boy by everybody. He met us because he had us on a debunking type radio show where you have people on so you can poke holes in whatever they’re saying and kind of make them look funny, except that due to Don Elkins, who was then still alive, and in my tendency towards common sense, he couldn’t find any holes to poke because basically we didn’t have anything to sell. One of the questions was, “Well, what do you say to people that don’t believe you,” and Don’s answer was “Fine, you don’t have to believe anything I say, go and find something else,” so we met him that way, and he…

Well, actually, what happened was, he took Book I of the Law of One, which has been retitled The Ra Material, and now, thank God, is being re-retitled The Law of One, Book I, by our new publishers, bless their little hearts. He took it home to Sonya, his wife, who is one of those people that is very quiet, almost silent, certainly silent in a group of strangers, but I took one look at that girl, and I just loved her. I knew she was my heart sister, and after everyone had left the meditation that night, I was just so thrilled, and I said, “Isn’t it wonderful who we met tonight?” And, of course, Ron Clay being a morning show radio personality and having a joke a minute all of the time, not because he worked at it, but because it was simply the way his mind worked. Everybody thought I was talking about Ron. I was talking about Sonya. Nobody else had even noticed Sonya, but I knew her. Sonya read the book, she just went nuts over it and got Ron to read it, and that’s how they got involved with us.

Anyway, Ron had a six-year bout with cancer. He was a real spiritual warrior. The day before he died, the guy that was going to do the bone marrow transplant that was going to save him was in the room—he looks up at him all fried from the inside out from all the radiation, and says, “What color Mercedes are you getting out of all this?” That’s Ron. Ron was an incredible person. I never knew another father, ever, that would set the alarm at 6:00 o’clock in the morning, on a Saturday morning, after doing a gig at night in order to make extra money for the family, he’d do stuff in nightclubs, patter and records and stuff. Set the alarm, get up, go get all the kids that wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons, play with them for three days, sleep them all over his house, and take all the kids back late Sunday night so the kids could get some sleep before school, and not because he thought it was his duty, but because that was Ron Clay, and his loss has hit both Jim and me very, very hard.

We have a seven-room house, plus a couple of baths, it’s your basic 75-year-old white brick bungalow that is totally lacking in pretension of any kind, which suits me, because if I have to live up to my bathroom, I’m not living in the house, that’s it, you know. I am who I am, and I am not a fancy person. I value pets, I value children, if something gets broken, okay. The person that broke it, the parents can buy me another one, but I’d much rather have the children and I’d much rather have the pets, and I’d much rather have the spills, and oh, gosh, D, I just can’t tell you. I have cried, and cried, and, well, actually, Sonya, well, I knew something, I knew that Ron had died because I can’t go in a wheelchair and sit with somebody for long hours, my neck just won’t do it. I mean, there’s no real need for me to put myself in bed for two weeks to do something like that. It’s a stupid gesture, and nobody appreciates it, because they’re all too worried about me.

So, Jim was doing the hospital duty, and Jim was there when he died, and I knew he died when Jim did not call me to let me know what was happening, because he promised to call me every two hours. Thank heavens, I said, “Ron, what do you want to say?”, and I just started writing so fast that—my writing is so bad in the first place I can hardly decipher it, and that’s saying something, isn’t it?—I should have been a doctor—and this was worse, like quantum leaps worse, but I knew Sonya was going to be utterly unable to deal with this. She had fallen in love with Ron when she was 13 and he was 17. She had married him when she was 17. God planned their family—they had a 15-year-old girl, a 12-year-old girl, and a 5-year-old boy, and they had not saved money, they did not have insurance, they did not have mortgage insurance. We’ve asked them to live with us, but I am perfectly well aware that they may well not want to live with us. Sonya may want very much to be on her own, so I’ve just made the offer to everybody in the family—Sonya’s mother, who’s very close to Sonya, Ron’s dad, who is very close to Ron, to the kids, to the dog, and I’ve just left it there, and I know it will take them a while to sort things out.

They’ll be okay monetarily, moneywise for a couple of months and if they do come to us, we don’t quite have the room, but the wonderful thing is—and isn’t it wonderful how things work out—we had found a piece of land in a County that was closer to Cincinnati, upriver northeast about 50 miles, but seven miles from the Ohio River, which I named Avalon. Well, I asked it what its name was, and it said “Avalon,” and we had always dreamed, since Ron was a genius, just a genius. He was funny, and he was deep, and he was wonderful. We had all wanted to go down there and set up a studio, and just do spiritual projects, and we didn’t get there. But I asked Sonya if she and the kids would come and live with us, because I need the wife. I can’t cook, I can’t iron, I can’t wash, I can’t wash my hair. I can do these things, but then I’m laid up, for two weeks or two months, and Jim just said, “Hey, it’s not worth it.” And my doctors have said, “Look, you’ve had this Darrach procedure,” (named after some guy with an unpronounceable name) on my wrists, three times on both wrists, so I can’t use my hands which is why I work on tape.

Don did leave us a trust, and I do have social security because I’m disabled, and Sonya will have social security and she knows that if she wants we would be absolutely thrilled for us to be her family and her to be our family, dogs, kids, everything. But we can’t send the kids to college, we just don’t have that kind of money.

Anyway, I do okay until I don’t have anything left to do, you know, as long as I can keep busy I don’t fall apart, but I planned the service, Sonya asked me to plan the service, and Jim’s done wonderful work in the—well, it’s not a backyard any more, it’s a garden. The whole place is becoming a garden, it’s not an acre large, but it’s close to it, and he’s got an arbor that’s all covered over with leaves, and what do you call those orange things, trumpet vines, and he’s planted honeysuckle there, and morning glories, and rambling roses that I’m hoping in the years to come they’ll sort it all out, and it’ll be wonderful. The orange ones, whatever they are, took hold first and the first thing Jim built when he came here, when we came here, we moved here in ‘84. Jim’s always been working in the yard to make it a garden, so it’s not a yard, it’s a garden, and we had a beautiful service, not that I’m a minister or anything, but Sonya had no interest in ministers and neither did Ron, so I planned that and I got everything done, and I’m buzzing (makes a noise with her mouth, and laughs), but there you are.

So, that is why I might not be making too much sense, but I know you’ll understand. I was overjoyed to get your letter. I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I consider you, and anyone else who is a spiritual seeker, as my colleague, as my teacher. Yes, I am doing the teaching, but my so-called students always teach me more than I teach them. But, if I sound a little weird today, I’m not high on anything, I haven’t drunk any booze, but I think I’m grieving, so forgive me, please, if I’m not making enough sense, because I want nothing more than to share with you anything that I can.

I would like to say one thing before I begin: D, don’t put yourself down. Don’t say anything bad about yourself, you’re a wonderful person. Everybody is. We also have a complete 360-degree potential. We all could kill, we all could steal, we all could do all the things that we don’t feel are appropriate, so please feel free with me, because I am not a judgmental person. I love people. I want to help people—that’s my life. I’ve never had any ambition whatsoever except that. I have an I.Q. somewhere over 200—that’s as far as the scale goes, I go off the scale. I’ve had a lot of things that I could do very, very well. I didn’t want to work that hard. I have no ambition. I just want to be, and to help, and I see no difference between helping by sitting down with a lonely person in a bar, and talking with him or her, and the most magnificent service that humankind thinks is wonderful. Service is service, and that’s all there is to it.

So, forgive me if I don’t, what shall I say, if I’m not at my best as far as responding to you, because I’m grieving very, very deeply. I have asked Sonya and her kids to move into our house. It’s a little bit too small, but Ron’s dad’s situation is comfortable, and I think we can do it. I think, if she wants to do it, we can do it, and we can be each other’s family. But, I have to let her alone and just know that she is completely free, she has no pressure, and I have cried and cried and cried because Ron was Jim’s best friend, and Sonya is the only friend I have in town besides Linda Wright, who actually takes the time to drive the half hour out into the edge of town to come see me, just to be with me. They don’t see the wheelchair, they don’t see the collar, they don’t see the fact that I’m getting fourteen chins—they see me, and I would do anything in the world…as a matter of fact I prayed to die instead of Ron, because I’ve already done a lot of spiritual work, and Jim is a loner.

Right now, he’s off on Avalon, our place in the country. It’s really a shack, it’s really wild, and there’s a little shack on it that he’s fixed up, and he goes down there and he’s alone. He’s a real loner, he doesn’t like to be with anybody very much. Luckily, he’s fond of me, so that’s my situation, and if there’s a bobble in there, a misstatement that I say, if there’s something that doesn’t sound right, I always tell people, don’t listen to me if it’s not your truth, but especially today, be very careful, because I am grieving.

I just very, very much hope that we can give Sonya and the kids a home. We have a good school—the best school in Kentucky. Jim has made a paradise—I call it the “magic kingdom” out of what used to be a yard but is now a garden. But, that’s Sonya’s decision, not mine, so I’m not praying either way, I’m just letting her think about it. But, I know that if Sonya did want to come live with us, Ron’s father, who was also a D.J. back in the sixties, Tom Clay, has got the money that we don’t have, to add on what is necessary to finish the basement, to make a two-story addition to the house, to give the kids and Sonya a private place, and also a place where we can get together. You know, that’s what family is all about. It isn’t your mom and your dad and all that—it’s the people that are in your heart, and Sonya is my heart sister.

We gave the memorial service on Thursday. I chose not to do it on Friday, the 13th, for obvious reasons. I’ll send you the thing that came through—when Ron died I asked—Jim called me, and he said Ron had died, and I just sat down and I said, “Ron, what do you want to say?” I was writing so fast and my handwriting is so bad, I had to decipher. It took me two hours to decipher my own poem, which wasn’t mine anyway, it was through me, not from me. Ron loved Don with all his heart, and Don loved Ron, and I do rejoice that they are together again, and I really don’t know what Sonya wants to do. She’s the only one who can tell me, but I’m here for her. We had the service, we had, well, Don had died in ’84, and Ron put together a tape of his favorite music, which although he was 14 years older than I, tended to be very rock ’n roll, like Moody Blue and Neil Young. I just picked his favorite songs, and he especially loved bagpipes, so Sonya found the tape, and her dad, who is very knowledgeable in radio, her father-in-law, cleaned it up. It was a very private funeral. We had it in the back garden, and then we had a picnic, because death is not sad. Death is a release and an entrance into larger life and more beautiful lessons, and I was determined that it was not going to be a bummer.

So, that’s my situation right now. Now, to the letter. “Howdy.” (laughs) You said “howdy.” Howdy, I’m really glad that you’re having fun with my mail. I’m sorry that I’m not speaking very well, but I’ve been crying a lot, and that interferes with speaking. By the way, I don’t do drugs, I don’t do alcohol, except once in a great while for the taste of it. I like the taste of certain alcohol. I like Harvey’s Bristle Crème, and naturally with me, would it not be the expensive kind, you know. I like the liqueurs, I like good Scotch, so, sometimes I drink, but not to excess. So, I’ve kind of toughed this one out totally straight.

I arranged the funeral; we had a good funeral for him. I’m not a minister or anything, but Sonya said that the only spirituality that he’d ever gotten was from L/L and she wanted L/L to do the service, so what we did was, we took the tape that Ron made when Don died, because he put everything of himself into it. Ron was a warrior, but a spiritual warrior. He was very hard on himself because he was a morning D.J., and morning D.J.‘s tend to have to be kind of raunchy off and on, or they don’t get popular.

A lot of people are sending us checks because Sonya requested in the paper that expressions of sympathy should go to L/L Research, and the way I figure it, we’ll use the money, we already have used a lot of the money with…I got this poem and deciphered it after about two hours, and Sonya’s favorite color is lavender, and that is very appropriate for sad times, and so we, instead of those awful, cold, “the family of Sonya and Ron Clay appreciate your expression of sympathy,” it’s just so cold. Ron wasn’t like that. Ron was a giver and a lover of life and of his wife and of his kids, and I am a little devastated, so forgive me for stumbling over my words but I’ve been crying so much. But it’s not crying because of, let’s see, how do I put this, it’s not crying because he died, it’s crying because he should have lived and I should have died, because he touched so many people.

He got more mail and packages to the people in Iran than anybody. He constantly, wherever he went for a gig, he pulled along his, what he called his 10-ton tin can, and asked that people pay by bringing food. So, he was always feeding people. I don’t know if Sonya is going to take me up on this. It’s very private and I really need to be patient, but my heart really is full of sorrow. If only I could help more, I would. But I can offer a home in a nice neighborhood, with a lot of trees, and a good school system, and, as I said, Ron’s father does have money, and if that is Sonya’s decision to live with us, that would be incredible, because we need a wife. It’s as simple as that. I can’t do diddly. Bo may, but I can’t. I can’t wash my hair or my body or cook or clean or iron.

It’s really ironic because I loved doing those things. They may sound humble, but service is service, you know. And Jim has had to take on all of that, and Sonya’s been—well, let me put it this way: If there’s a room full of people that are totally stoned, if there’s one person in the room that’s not stoned, they’re going cross-eyed, and whaaa??, and this guy is crazy, not Sonya. Sonya is an exceptional and wonderful person. Very down-to-earth. She’s the one that fixes the pipes, the plumbing, the electricity, the lamp that won’t go on, the VCR hookup. Ron was the one that played with the kids. Okay, enough about that. That’s what’s happening to me right now.

Jim’s down, or I should say up, since Trimble County is northeast of here about 50 minutes, just being by himself. He really needs that. As you can probably tell from the fact that I talk to people that aren’t here, I love company, and to me you are in the room with me, and you are my company, and I thank you so much. Another thing I want to say to you in general: D, don’t put yourself down–don’t ever put yourself down. You’re you, and you’re perfect, and there’s only one of you in the whole universe, and the gifts that you have, nobody else has them, and you’re absolutely essential. Your essence is part of all there is. If you weren’t here, everything would change, so please, please, please, don’t put yourself down. You’re a wonderful person. I can see that; I can feel that. I don’t have to look at your picture, I don’t have to figure things out. Be yourself and know that that’s the best you can be, and if sometimes we fail, we fail! That’s life! Life is loss and don’t give yourself a hard time because somebody else is giving you a hard time. Don’t take it in.

You know yourself better than anybody else does. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t listen to constructive criticism. I’m saying that you know deep in your heart what’s right for you, not for anybody else in the whole world, but just for you. You know your own truth, you know your own worth, and you need to be your best fan. So, when you say, “The letter is getting too long and I’m sorry,” D, write me a book. Write me a Gone with the Wind, I’ll get through it. I sit on this hospital bed which I have, oh so cleverly, made into a couch, and that universe of mind is far more spacious than other people’s who are going and doing and rushing. Yes, I have a lot of pain, yes, I have a lot of discomfort, yes, I’m very limited, and yes, I don’t like realtors. But here I am, that’s who I am, and you’ve just got to go from there.

So, please try to develop a habit of encouraging yourself, of forgiving yourself if you think subjectively that you’ve done wrong. There isn’t any way we can judge ourselves—no way in the world. We won’t know until we’re out of this illusion. Ok, to your letter.

As to your letters being long, the longer the better. I mean, we have things to say to each other. We really are one person. Everybody is one, we’re all 360-degree people—pardon my stuttering, but I’m still trying to get over Ron’s death. And really, I’m not trying, I’m just letting it happen because if you try to push it, you’ll push it down and it’ll come up later and it will hurt, so write me one page, a hundred pages, I don’t care. I can only sit on this hospital bed that I created a couch out of, sort of, and it’s the most spacious, beautiful, lovely place that I have ever been, and yes, I hurt all the time, but if you know that you’re going to hurt all the time—(I put this up here so I could see the letter better because I have this Levenger catalogue, it’s just wonderful for people who need help, they don’t have a way to sit at a table and they create things for people like me who really can’t work at a desk and sit up. It’s a wonderful thing, so this little Levenger thing is just great, so I don’t have to hold it. Oops, one too many. Let’s see if I can get this right.)

Anyway, on Page 1, I assume that you’re keeping copies because that’s the kind of person you are, second paragraph, or not. At any rate, I can’t find what I was looking for. Really, my tongue is so thick that I can hardly talk, but it’s just because I’ve been crying. He was one of our best friends, and he was the best man at our wedding and Sonya was the matron of honor, and I know all will be well, but I don’t think humans can really help grieving. I don’t think they should not grieve—I think they should grieve and honor that grief and realize that the grief is the measure of how much we loved them. The only thing that I try not to do is say, “Ron, stay with me,” because I don’t know what this situation is in the larger life. I don’t know if he wants to hang around and see that Jim and me and Sonya and the kids are okay, and we have other people, Charlie, Diane, just, we don’t have any transcribers, I’ll tell you that, because we don’t have the money to buy any transcribers, and we don’t have any volunteers that are doing very well right now. But the tape letters to you I can do.

I’m glad you like the Channeling Handbook. It was too soon, I was too young. I’m only 4–, what am I, I was born in 1943, long time, who cares? Write me as long and as heart-felt and about the things that mean the most to you, because you are a gem. You think, you care, you’re generous. I can see it in your letters, and please don’t think in any way that there’s something wrong, or something that you haven’t done that you could do, or something that you did that you shouldn’t do. I’m glad that you were able to find something on the Channeling Handbook that helped. It was Jim’s suggestion, really. He feels that the title should be changed from A Channeling Handbook, to A Handbook for Living, but I really do not feel that I am in a position where I can tell people how to live, so I’ve resisted that.

And as to repeating things I’ve already said, I pray before I write each letter, and I know for sure that no matter how many times I cover the subject, the question that the person asks is really between the lines. It’s not linear. (I sound so drunk, I’m really sorry about this. I haven’t had anything to make me drunk, but I’m just having trouble talking now, I hope you can understand me.) But I am very, very sad about Ron’s death. We wanted to start a studio of our own long the lines of the Bill Moyer’s tapes, and Ron was such a genius at off-the-cuff humor and getting to the point, and making people feel comfortable. He never embarrassed anybody, he was never crude, and we had hopes of moving to our Avalon, our Trimble County land, 93 acres of it with lots of room for everybody, but it just didn’t work. Don died, Ron died, so we have Sonya and Jim and me, and my health is very questionable. I’m not afraid to die, because I don’t think I’ve hurt anybody that I haven’t apologized for, and that’s the main thing.

But Jim never had anybody he could relate to, (my Jim) and in me he finds the things that I have to say thoughtful and interesting, and the question of I.Q. to me is just like my computer works faster. (End of side 1, begins Side 2).

Okay, let’s address you. Please don’t feel like a boob. No matter how many times the same questions get asked by different people, the answers are never the same, because whatever it is that I have that comes through me, is focusing, not just on textbook information, it’s focusing on the needs of the circle, and so no two people have the same needs, and if I channel about love or light, or fear, or whatever, it’ll never be the same way twice, so please don’t feel that you should edit, or that you’re putting me out. I live far enough out in the country now, that my old friends really don’t have the time to come see me, and I think they are all too busy, really, and if they can’t see me, they’re not going to come by. So, you are my company, you and the other people that write in, and I want to thank you for that, because I love to share ideas—not that I’m right, not that I’m wrong, but that life is about questions, it’s not about answers. Answers only boil down to one thing and the answer is always love. (Phone rings).

Oh, goody, in-laws. Actually, I like my in-laws. They’re very simple people. They’re nothing like I am, I was brought up in super-high-duper culture, culture, culture, and Jim’s people were brought up inside huts. But everybody is the same inside, and it’s just a matter of figuring out the correspondences—what turns me on and what turns them on in the same way, and then it’s just vocabulary after that. Really, all of my work is strictly, the channeling work is very much vocabulary—to get the same ideas out but to get them out in such a way that people don’t feel threatened.

I’m glad that you found the Channeling Handbook helpful. I realize that it wasn’t written as a general book, and many things in it are not particularly applicable to a person who doesn’t want to channel, but it does have a lot of what I think in it, more than anything else I’ve written.

As to your channeling, I think you’re absolutely right on about saying, “I love to read it, I love to listen to it, it inspires me, I want to learn to meditate, and to mellow out, but do I have the desire to give up my life to a ministry?”, because when you’re working with people in a spiritual way, even if you’re a lay person, you’re just a Joe Blow on the street, you have taken it upon yourself to comfort people, or to say some hard truths, or whatever the situation calls for to call on spiritual principles.

So, the way that I go about meditating is, I use several different things. Jim and I have a morning offering which consists of some Bible readings and some Ra readings, and another book, right now we’re reading Emerson’s essays. Then I sing a hymn and say some prayers, and then we meditate for a while. It’s a real blessing to be able to do that. Very few people can do that. I fell into it, I fell into it in the worst way possible, because Don had to die for me to get the insurance to set up the trust, but Ra always said there are no mistakes, so I just have to believe that Ron and Don, who were just the closest of friends, are just having a really good time together and hoping that we’re okay.

But, it isn’t any use to try to learn to channeling just as a curiosity, unless you just want to satisfy your curiosity, because channeling, being any kind of a spiritual leader involves living a certain kind of life, and I’m not saying it’s a hard life, I’m saying it’s different. Most people in this world live in very situational ethical situations—the end always justifies the means. If you’re going to be a minister, or an adviser, or a teacher, I feel, personally, that the end never justifies the means if the means are not correct, because we’re dealing here with metaphysics, not with Planet Earth, and I am a pragmatic person. It’s not that I’ve lost touch with what the ground feels like, it’s just that I realize it’s a real weakness of mine that I do not deal well with situational ethical situations—how’s that for grammar?

As to the idea of meditating seriously, I’ve told you the way Jim and I do it, and then Jim meditates more at night than I do, because his needs are somewhat different than mine. I tend to stay more in a state of meditation during the day because I’m sitting in one place, and he’s out running, but I use tricks, like if I hear a bell ring, or a siren goes off every Tuesday at noon in Anchorage and I take that time to pray. If one of the two churches that rings hymns, makes a noise, I stop and I give thanks. I try to spend some time outdoors every day, just loving the Earth because it gave me life. It does help if you have a routine and a place, so that routinely you can say, “Between this time and this time I will be in this place, and please do not disturb me.”

Do not push yourself with the meditation. For a person as active and as, in the long run, anguished as you, you have found solace from your pain through activity. I’m not saying that I’m right; I’m saying this is my impression. And when we sit down to meditate, the body that is used to being in constant motion, doing something all the time, will get sick. It will give you a headache, it will give you a stomachache, it will give you strange visions. It will give you all kinds of things that you don’t want. It’s simply a mechanical fact that the body that is not used to sitting still, has trouble doing that. So, it will try to get you up. In your case, as in all cases, I say, give it a try, let it have its natural course—if it’s 30 seconds, fine, if it’s 30 minutes, fine, if it’s two hours, fine, whenever you have the time to do it. The important thing is the intention. Nobody meditates well that I know of. There is just too much stuff going around in our heads, so don’t be discouraged, just keep at it. I think persistence is the key. Persistence and a desire to serve and to love and to grasp the reason we’re here. So, if you have random thoughts, say, “Oh, there’s a random thought that is arising in my mind,” and then watch it, and then eventually, you’ll say, “Oh, well there goes that thought.” You don’t push yourself, meditation is not a gung-ho effort, it is a lifetime effort, and much more of it than I think most of us know takes place not in what we do, but in how we intend, how we desire and yearn to do, to learn about spiritual things. For heaven sakes, never, ever take your spiritual temperature, and if you’ve lost your courage for one day, let that be okay and pick it up again when you feel better. Just sheer persistence, and, of course, the great desire to know the truth, which does not happen with everybody.

You’re also right about not channeling without a good group. Very, very not a good idea to do that. The group stabilizes you, gives you energy, and harmonizes you, and universalizes what you would be channeling, so people that channel by themselves, to me are not taking advantage of the fact that we are striving and working towards being a social memory complex where all of us work together, so I totally agree with you.

I had to giggle when I saw what you wrote about the psychic fair that you’d been to, however many there were—you said plural, so there must be more than one. I hate the words “New Age” simply because I do not consider myself a part of the New Age, except insofar as Jesus was part of the New Age. He was talking Armageddon, the world would end, two thousand years ago. Basically, I think its something in our deep minds that knows that we’re going to die, and for us, in our body, in this illusion, the creation will also die, and I think it’s a projection more or less. And the reason that people buy into these things is that they need something. They’re dependent, they’re very dependent. They need to be reassured, and they need to be, I suppose you’d say, pampered, even if it costs money, at least someone is paying attention to them, and giving them comfort. I have nothing against that, I just am not drawn to that, because the intelligence level of departed friends and parents, and so forth, is along the lines of “Gooollly, is that really you? Well, my goodness, how have you been?” You know it’s just the personality shell, that’s all that’s left, the real person has gone on.

Thanks for saying that you like my tapes. It’s always a pleasure to read something like that because you never know, D, you just did the best you can, you give it a really honest good shot, but then you have to let it go, and if it doesn’t hit the mark, it doesn’t hit the mark. You can’t do any more than your best, so I just don’t worry about it. I just settle it within my mind, and then just send it off, and I don’t change things.

You said that you felt honored that we would be glad to write down questions for Q’uo. In return, we are very grateful that you would write us some questions to ask Q’uo—we keep a Question Book, and we do ask the questions in the book, as the people in the circle feel a pull towards that particular question. Of course, if you were down here we would make special efforts to do channeling with Jim and me and you, and focus more on concerns that have to do with the three of us, instead of a large group of people. Actually, we don’t have large groups of people very often, because our material is serious and it takes a bit of energy and effort to penetrate it, and people would really rather have a classic comic book, you know?

And to me, channeling will never be old hat. The only I’m concerned about is that I won’t be able to do enough. I just really, really want to help, and right now my body is acting very strangely and I don’t know how long I’ll have, so…we never do, of course, but right now it’s pretty obvious, and I’m more than ever determined and desirous of having sessions. I don’t care if I die. Everybody dies, that doesn’t matter to me at all. What matters to me is, well, if I were a storekeeper, I’d want to have my shelves stocked, I’d want to have been a good worker, and if I go back to the place where I was when I died for a few seconds during kidney failure, all I want to hear is, “Servant, well done.” I don’t want to hear, “You didn’t finish this.” So, I don’t care about when I did, except in terms of the fact that Jim doesn’t get along with anybody else, not that he’s not a wonderful person, he’s just greatly in need of solitude, and not a lot of people understand that.

So, although I guess that isn’t a thrill to me to take part in a channeling session, to me it’s what gives me the joy of feeling that I am of some use in this world, and for a handicapped person, that’s such a blessing. I just can’t tell you.

Yeah, you’re right about responses being general. I try not to get into people’s shit very much, not that I succeed, but basically, if you’re going to give people your opinions and your advice and so forth, whether you’re channeling or whether you’re just talking, to me, the first thing to do is say, “Where are the spiritual principles here, where is the love in here, and use the analytical part of the mind to work on that. So, it isn’t precisely—I tell you what is a thrill, is when I get letters like yours and other people’s who are very highly respected in their own professions, which are totally unlike mine, like physicists and mathematicians and stuff, and they come and they ask these long questions, and I really, really enjoy that because I know I don’t know the answers to those things, and that helps me.

Now, as to your being too talkative: you’re not too talkative. The more I have on paper, the more I have lines to read between, if you know what I mean, and that means that my opinions might be a little bit more on target, but I do go for the spiritual principle because if you try to solve a problem one at a time, you’re not learning about how to live the life you want to live, you’re learning how to survive that day, and it’s okay for somebody who’s got an addiction, or depression, or something like that, to take one day at a time, but, I think in general, if I can help people be guided back to the basic spiritual principles that underly the questions, that will give them tools that they can work for, not just in that situation, but in other situations, and that’s what I care about, and that is what gives me a thrill, it’s just the fact that, you know, I’m on my back—there’s two things I can do; one’s illegal, one’s legal, right? I’m doing the legal one. Of course, I don’t make as much money, but then who wants to go to bed with a 48-year-old lady anyway? Don’t answer that question. That’s me, bumming myself out.

Anyway, I never think you’re trying too hard, I never think you’re talking too much. I never think anybody is talking too much. Communication is so very, very important, and if we don’t talk until we’re satisfied that we’ve talked things through, then we haven’t really been friends to each other. We’ve just been somebody who’s waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can say something. So, a lot of what I do, is I pray before each letter, and then I mark the letter up as to what I want to highlight. Now, I don’t care how long it takes me to do this, because I really don’t have anywhere to go, and the chance to be of some possible aid to other people is very precious to me and it is very thrilling to me, and I have never, ever, ever been bored with the channeling.

Now, I didn’t want to be a channel. In 1974 Don Elkins, who was then alive, said, “You’re going to be a channel!” I said, “I don’t want to be a channel,” and he said, “You are going to be a channel,” so we had meditation meetings every day of the week, except Saturday night. One has to have a little fun in life, at least one day a week. But, we had the channeling sessions, and we developed about 20 new channels at the time. All of them have gone away now except me, and Jim does some channeling too, but I taught him much later.

So, don’t worry, if I have an opinion, D, I will give it to you, and I do not worry about hurting people’s feelings because everybody knows I tell the truth, and I don’t do anything mean or petty, so if I’m saying something that hurts, it’s still something that maybe you need to look at, and say, “She’s wrong,” or “She’s right, what shall I do about it.” But, it’s out of my hands, and I don’t think of myself as having an attitude towards you of, “You’re a student; I’m a teacher.” You’re my colleague. If I have a lot of luck in this life, maybe we’ll meet and we’ll become friends in a face-to-face manner, and not just on tape and letter. Please, please continue writing me letters, I hate listening to the tapes because it takes too long and needless to say, I don’t commute anywhere, but carry on ol’ chap and communicate to your heart’s desire, because the more I have to go on, the more tuned in to you that I am, and the more I can be with you, and that’s all I hope for in this life is to be with the people who are seeking who happen to find us, and happen to write me.

I’m not an insulter, it’s not like that, I’m not petty or mean, or anything, but the way my mother describes it is I’m very surgical. (laughs) Sometimes when I do criticize my mother for something, she says, “I hardly even felt the knife go in, you were so surgical, but you pulled it out for me to look at.” So, I have absolutely no fear of bumming people out because I’m who I am, and if I bum people out, well, God knows, I did it all my childhood, and if it happens again, I’ve got some tools to use. Junk novels, you know, comfort food, things like that.

I appreciate what you said when I offered to sent you Barbara Brodsky, the person that channels Aaron’s work. I did that because I really am kind of, I wouldn’t say, compulsively honest, because if I see a good reason for lying, I will do it, but I lie so seldom that people always believe me. She has access to a great deal of information to which I do not. I simply wanted you to get the most that you could if you needed it. I’m glad to talk to you in general about anything. I’ve done some studying, but in the Buddhist writings there are so many holy works that it takes a lifetime just to become familiar with them, and needless to say, I ain’t going to do that. And don’t worry about writing letters and me not writing back. Sometimes if I’m real sick or something’s happening—let me see if I can get a lozenge here, my throat seems to be binding up on me here.

Okay, this is going to be a long one, girl. So, as long as you send me letters, you send exactly what you want to say, take as long as you want to say it, in terms of pages, don’t feel like you’re putting me out. I love you, I want to help. It’s as simple as that. Trust that you’re in my heart, and I will not go storming around the house saying, “D sent me a 22 pages letter and what does she expect from me?” It’s not going to happen, D. I’ve never done that in my life. My biggest joy in life is helping people. So, you give me an opportunity that you can’t possibly value as highly as I do. You give me a chance to share my ideas, and you’re somebody that would like to hear them. I’m in an area of, call it cosmology or any sort of philosophy, oncology, whatever, that very few people are interested in, but I have always found them to be at the heart of life.

I suppose above all other things I’m an ethical person. I’m very loyal, just like you. I am never, ever the one to stop writing somebody, unless that person has been truly and honestly hateful and wanting to change me and being critical of me, at that point, I give the letter to Jim, because I have not been able to communicate with this person. I say, “Jim, see if you can communicate with this person, because I’m not getting through.” Usually, it’s people that want to cure my arthritis, which is real cute, considering I’ve had it since I was 13, and it’s not likely to be cured any time in the near future, since remissions happen within five years or probably not at all.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me that when they’ve read the Law of One material that it was as if they recognized it, they already knew it, and I think that’s what personal truth is. I don’t think you should ever give up your integrity or your discrimination to an outside source, me, anybody. Let it all go through you, and if you don’t think that it’s your personal truth, just drop it, absolutely drop it.

I’m glad you liked my film narration. I really did have a good time with it, although I’ll tell you the truth, I didn’t have a calculator in ‘72, and I didn’t have a stop watch, and I was acting—well, I wasn’t acting, I , was pretending to act—didn’t have time enough to think out a part or anything like that. I’d written it, so I knew the lines, but I was terrible. But at any rate, the lady who was going to be in the movie backed out the day before we started shooting, and in between takes, I had to take the footage from the camera, at 90 per minute, and translate it into time, which is 60 per minute, so I was constantly doing these things in my head. I didn’t have time to get dressed—it was a topless part and I, like you, am itty bitty and round, which really made the thing funnier because it wasn’t a sexpot, it was just somebody there with a normal figure. But, at any rate, in spite of all the things that hurt about that, that I didn’t get the support I needed, it was fun, it really was fun, and I really reveled in that fun.

Yeah, I did kind of take a 21-hour semester down here. With the physical difficulties, sometimes they’re okay, sometimes I feel really sorry for myself, sometimes I think maybe I’m going to die because I feel real bad, but that’s life. I think everybody has pain, everybody has these things, and I’m not saying I’m just like everybody else, and that everybody’s pain is equal to mine, it’s just that there’s no equality, it’s that everybody has his own universe and his own pain in that universe, and there’s some things you just can’t precisely translate to other people, but I think we are all wounded, I really do.

Yeah, I do have a neck brace, and as for the wheelchair, let me give you a visual image of my wheelchair. It’s a regular ol’ wheelchair, which is big and clunky, which I really don’t like. Doesn’t have anything extra on it—Medicare bought it for me, it’s real hard to open and close, but it does have a piece that fits on the back, and it becomes like a recliner, and you can recline back four or five different notches, depending on how wacked I am at the time, how tired I am, and the feet can come up so I can virtually lie down in the chair if I have to, and it does support my neck and shoulders because the wheelchair ends above my head. You don’t have sick humor, you just wanted to know, girl. (laughs) There’s nothing wrong with that.

You commented on the idea of coming here to learn the lessons of love without expectation of return and that that was sadistic of the Creator. I don’t think so, D. I think I can bear witness to the fact that the things that happen to us are what are supposed to happen to us. We’re totally free to choose how we react to what happens to us. I could be better, I could give up, I could try really, really hard to hold a job and make some money, which would be nice, we don’t have a lot. Thank God the house is paid for. All kinds of things like that. But, it’s not sadistic to give somebody homework. It’s not sadistic to cram for a final, and basically, that’s the way I see life—life is a kind of ordeal that we go through, and what we learn is always about love, but everybody has something different to learn about love, and it may look sadistic because we’re suffering, but when did you learn really important things when you were really happy? I think that this illusion was biased toward the negative in order to give people difficulties, challenges, unanswered questions that they could or could not choose to face, and when they face them, they’re polarizing towards the positive. In terms of the illusion, it would seem hunky dory that everybody was happy all the time, but happiness is not an objective. Spiritual evolution is the objective.

Now, I will say that for the most part, I have a happier heart than almost anybody I know, but that comes from within. It comes from feeling I love people, and I cherish them. It comes from feeling that I love the Earth, from the feeling that I love my husband with all my heart, and I’m so proud of him because he does beautiful things in our yard, and he’s made the whole yard into a garden. It’s just happiness is not an objective. We’re here to learn, and the lessons we’re here to learn are going to be learned not usually by being happy, but by looking at situations that seem unacceptable and finding a way to accept them, seeing people that are unlovable and finding a way to love them.

As to my being laid up again, I will put this in Jim’s notebook, I promise. I will say this: when somebody is in the hospital and feeling really bad, a person doesn’t need conversation. A person doesn’t need to be a host, but what is a real blessing is somebody that loves you that will just sit there and read a book, and if your I.V. stops dripping to go tell the nurse, and if you’re thirsty to get you some water, and basically just be with you. I value that, and I value your offer, very, very highly. Thank you so much.

Now, as to the collaboration and stuff, obviously I wasn’t clear enough about that. The reason I sent you the two tapes is that they were not copyrighted to anybody but L/L Research. I did not consider either of them up to standards. They were both performance tapes made the entire night before Christmas Day. You just can’t have one sharp and flat and playing wrong notes when you’re doing stuff at 3 o’clock in the morning after you’ve done the midnight service, you know.

But back when Tommy wasn’t so my littlest brother, he’s 14 from 48—he’s 34 now, he’s become a very fundamentalist Christian, and so he isn’t interested in putting my songs, my lyrics into songs. They’re not poems, I would never claim that, I’m not good enough to be a poet, I just dash things off as they come to me. But I’m real sorry that nobody wants to make music with me, because making music is my joy in life. I love to sing, I love to share, I don’t have a nervous bone in my body. I love audiences. I love sharing my love with people, and it was sad to me when Tommy decided he couldn’t write any more songs that were mine, because they were not direct quotes from scripture, and basically my feeling was, “Well, if you want a direct quote from scripture, take one, I’m not involved in that, you don’t need me.” But I just let it go.

But the reason I sent you the tapes was so that you could make them better, so that you could sell them as yours, and give some kind of a royalty to L/L. There was no desire in my mind for you to do something for me. You had asked how you could help L/L, and I thought, “Well, these tapes are pretty good, and with D’s help, she could probably tell me what’s wrong with the stuff,” because I’m sure there’s stuff wrong with it, and then let it be D’s. I don’t care whether it’s mine or not—it’s between you and me. I know you’re not going to screw me. Nobody ever screws me (laughs). It just doesn’t happen that way, and if money, royalties came in from our part of L/L, fine, but mainly it was to give you something that maybe you could do because you thought it was a good source, you know. And I don’t want you to go flogging things on my behalf to people that are going to twist it all around and stuff. I don’t care about being famous. I’m very happy being a very obscure person. I hope to heaven I don’t get discovered during my lifetime, let’s put it that way, because the work that Jim and I do, and that Jim and Don and I used to do, requires a good deal of solitude.

Now, I keep every weekend open for strangers. If they want to come on a Saturday and leave on a Sunday after meditation, I will spend as many hours talking to those people or that person as they or he requires. However, Jim has to be protected. I feel that I need to protect Jim, because he is working his tail off doing L/L work, housework, doing things that I’ve thought up and I think up many, many things per day, and he can’t do them all. I simply thought that you were more savvy than I was—that you knew what was commercial, that there might be an idea in there that you could work into something of your own. Yes, it would be a collaboration.

[Side 2 ends, side 3 begins.]

The collaboration I had in mind was simply that I am not savvy, I don’t have street smarts, I don’t have the edge. I went one year to boarding school in the East because that’s my mother’s kind of values, and I went on several dates to Harvard and Yale, and stuff like that, and everybody had an angle—everybody had an angle—and I thought, “I don’t want to learn how to play this game. I do not want this.” I had a full scholarship to Wellesley, I had a full scholarship to Columbia, I think it was called Barnard at that time, and a full scholarship to Duke. I turned them all down and came back home, because I wanted to live in the South where people don’t have so much of an edge, and where the edge that they do have is a lot blunter and you can really see it.

So, I hope that clears up the thing about collaboration. If you don’t see anything to change in that, please let that be my gift to you, and I’ll send you the other one since you don’t feel that it would be a good idea for me to—and I guarantee you, I would be completely out of my league dealing with anybody in show business, I have been scrawd so many times trying to do Don’s work before he died, in show business. I have negative numbers on that one, I can’t do it. I trust people, you know, and that’s not the way it works, it’s situational ethics and I’m no good at it, so I don’t want you to shop anything. I was giving it to you, to rework it, to make it yours and mine, to give you some money, and maybe L/L a little royalty. I have no personal desire for myself at all.

And, of course, I realize, from knowing wealthy people, that things come pretty easily for them so they don’t work very hard, and I accept that, and I feel that you are a person who is sophisticated and can deal with that, but I don’t think, I mean I could be wrong, but I really don’t feel that any of the things that I’ve done so far is perfect, or okay. I think there’s always room for improvement, there’s always room for collaboration, and I mean real collaboration. I mean getting in there and changing things so that it speaks to more people. I don’t have an instinct for that—you do.

So, I’m going to send you the other music tape just because I like it. What can I say, I wrote the words, so I like it. But, it’s just a gift, D, and if some point you can drop a line, a seed, as you said, a little something or other about L/L Research’s, not new-age hokey, but actually real. That’s fine with me. I’ll dig up a bunch of light/lines and send them to you, just in case people want to see them.

But I don’t have anything pushing me in life to do something that will make me famous, or wealthy, or anything, I just want to serve the Lord. And I know that serving the Infinite Creator involves having a business head. I’m hopeless, Jim is less than hopeless. I can’t even describe how bad Jim is (laughs). He’s the Rock of Gibraltar, but he is absolutely uninterested in anything except living a beautiful life, whereas I do count the cans of tuna under my bed (laughs) to make sure I have enough. So, please do not think that I sent those tapes to you so you could do some work for me. I sent them to you because I thought maybe you could involve yourself in a project, make it your own, give L/L some royalties, and get that to more people if that was appropriate. It just seemed like one of those very simple things. Just keep them and enjoy them, and I’ll send you the other one, well, I’ll send you Engleburton’s [inaudible] too, because you’ll get a kick out of that. You like my sense of humor, and everything but the journey was done in two hours, or overnight, the day before Christmas, so it’s all, I mean I can hear every wrong note, Tommy and I both are cursed with perfect relative pitch, my brother, Tommy, who sings with me, and who plays a guitar, and we know when we have erred and gone astray. But, when you’re doing something against a deadline, like Christmas Day and you’d better have it wrapped, you really can’t go back.

So, to me, if you looked at it, rewrote to be more understandable to people, take out the things that weren’t understandable, to add ideas, I have no feeling of ownership of this. I just took you at your word—you said could you help with anything, and I thought, well, here you are in New York City in sales and very creative, and if you like anything that I’ve done so far, you know, fix it! (Laughs) Fix it. We’ll fix it together, and it can be yours and mine, yours and L/L’s, or yours with only a royalty to L/L, I don’t really care whether any credit is given or not. I would like to see L/L be able to pay its bills, sure, but not at the expense of being greedy, it’s just not in me.

So, like I said, I will get Jim to send you a bunch of our Light/Lines, which is a little thought letter that we put out four times a year from the channelings I do on Sunday night. If it catches fire with somebody, fine; if it doesn’t, fine. I’m not at all concerned about it. I really, honestly feel that the people that need this material will find it. It has done such things as falling on people’s heads in a second-hand book shop. I could go on and on, but that’s enough.

Let’s see, I checked something here. Oh, yeah, the thing about rich people. This is only an opinion, but I really feel that the lesson that rich people have to learn is that money can’t buy you love. Some people go through their whole lives becoming more and more bitter because even with all the money that they have, it’s not happening. They’re not happy, they’re not loving, they’re not being loved, they have a constant feeling of being taken advantage of, and this is their situation. They’re trying to learn to love, purely, when people are coming at them wanting something all the time. The wisdom in that is knowing that you can’t do other people’s learning for them. The compassion in that is that you accept people just the way they are. The rest of it is irrelevant.

Money is energy. There are different kinds of energy. Money makes you more comfortable. Heaven knows when Don was alive and he had a six figure salary I could get a facial, which my face desperately needs, I could get my toe[nail]s cut, which they desperately need, you know, things I can’t do because my hands won’t work. I could get a manicure, get my hair done, all that kind of stuff. Just go in and I have this really good friend that I still have to this day that really makes it easy for me to go through the process without a lot of pain, the massaging, etc.

When Don died I couldn’t afford it any more, but my lesson didn’t have to do with trusting people in spite of the feeling that they were trying to get something out of me monetarily. One of my lessons was simply to love people. Especially unlovable people. Jim thinks that another lesson that I am learning now is to learn to be more graceful about accepting love from other people. It’s always been real hard for me to do that because I was always the strong one. I was always the one that was helping other people, and D, this may sound crazy to you, but to this day, it cuts me to the quick that I can’t sew on a button or fix Jim his favorite meal, or take a long walk, and I have to learn that. That’s what I have to learn. You know, we all have our lessons. We have to find the love. I think love is like a little silent bird, and until we open the door, it’s not going to sing. So, life is all about opening doors.

So, don’t you worry at all, at all, at all, about shopping our material. There isn’t any desire on my part to become famous or rich. If it happens, fine, I can handle it. I’m old enough now that I just giggle, because I have been treated as a guru by so many people, and it’s just so doggone funny. I feel sorry for the poor suckers who think I’m some kind of a great guru, because my clay feet extend half-way up my neck, and they’ve just made a bad choice. (Laughs) So, there you go. By all means, what I’ll tell Jim to do, since you are in a position of having a lot of creative people come through your life, I’ll just get Jim to send you, like, ten newsletters every time, and you can just keep them on the coffee table or around, and if somebody picks one up, he can have it.

Now I would like to address something that I really, really, really like to help you with. You have been so battered and so disappointed and so let down, and it’s all within you, and you don’t show it forth—you are a shining being, but it’s in there. But there are people in this world that don’t pull out when things get rough, not very many, but, sweetie, one or two is enough. If you ever feel the need to get away for a while, come and stay here. You can be here as long as you want, you can be alone, you can go up on Avalon and be alone. You can browse and read, nothing will be required of you, except possibly some help with the food and stuff, which is logical because there are only two of us at this point.

But it is not inevitable that you will be disappointed, some people grow and are more beautiful through the years, and if you have a disagreement, that’s the time not to lose faith. That’s the time when you need to try to communicate more than any other time. Of course, we’re all alone in terms of our spiritual seeking, but we do have comrades along the way, and if some outcomes are disappointing, that doesn’t mean that all will be. And I hope you can hug that to your heart and feel a little bit comforted, because you aren’t alone. There are unseen spirits that care for you. There are actual people that care about you, not because of what you can do for them, but just for yourself, and that cuts the necessary aloneness.

We have to meet eternity alone—we have to do our own learning. We can’t ride into the next age on someone else’s coattails. We are going to be who we are. But it is not inevitable that a relationship will be disappointing, it really isn’t. I have had relationships with people I’ve known since I was four, and it’s still the same. We still love each other. It’s just a matter of hanging in there, and saying, “Hey, I don’t know what the heck it’s all about, but I trust you, and I’m behind you, and I’ll support you all the way.”

To me, that’s the thing. If someone comes and says, “Please critique this,” I get out the old tongue scalpel and dissect it I can do that. I can do that really well. I’ve been offered jobs doing that—good jobs, doing that. I don’t like to be critical particularly. I don’t like to tear apart people’s things. I don’t like to make them feel bad. I’d rather appreciate the things that are good, so I really kind of—maybe this is wrong—I really kind of duck the critique, because I’m awfully good at it, and I’ve seen people be very hurt, and I really feel like I only have a certain, how can I say this? Remember Barney Fife, who had one bullet in his pocket and a gun in his holster? That’s the way I want to be with people. If they really, really are asking me, “Please critique this,” I will, and I will be absolutely clear and honest. But I would prefer to appreciate my friends because we all have some good, we all have some bad, we’re all 360 degree people. We have every single possible human potential in us, including the worst: rape, pillage, cheating on the IRS, everything. It’s the choices that we make out of that 360 degrees that causes the growth.

Let’s see, you’re still working on the commission thing. I do not want the relationship of author or creator and salesperson. This is not interesting to me. This is spiritual work and I want to work only with people who feel that my path and their path are either very, very close, or congruent, so if we collaborate, it’s going to be you and me, babe, it’s not going to be me, with D’s help, okay? Now, after I sent it off I had a good giggle because you had told me of all the times that you had contributed an idea and it was taken from you. But then, I thought, this is going to be really good for D, because she’s going to see that I don’t think she’s going to do that, I really don’t. Of course, it never even occurred to me until after I’d sent the stuff off, but it did later. I tend to think about things in kind of like a cycle, and it finally cycled down to the deep part of my mind, and they’re gone. But, I do do some repetition examing the material to see what I’ve missed, and one thing that I had missed was, that I hadn’t said to you, “I don’t want anything from you, I want to give you this.” I want to help you, and if something that I’ve done can help you, fine. I guess that’s about all I can say.

I thank you very much for saying that my projects were pretty complete. To my mind they need a sharp eye, a sharp way of saying, “That won’t work. This will work. What about this new idea?” My stuff is not etched in stone, it never has been, even when I write lyrics for my brother, who isn’t—I haven’t written them for a long time because he won’t make them into music. I left the different choices in different rhymes, different scans, because I didn’t know what kind of music he was going to feel, and I’m just a born collaborator.

As to my being a soprano, that’s questionable. I suppose I’m a mezzo soprano. I can sing very high, but I don’t think it’s very pretty. It’s sort of like listening to the noon whistle. Who needs it!

So, at any rate, on collaboration, please understand you would be a full partner, and in fact, would be the one that was reworking the stuff to make it available to people, understandable by people, and so forth, things that I’m really not good at, at all. If you catch fire from one or another of the stories of the songs, or whatnot, go for it, in the future—you said you had two months of stuff. But, in the meantime, just look at what I’m sending you as a gift, okay? Because I don’t want to be pulling on you—everybody’s pulling on you. Pull on me a little bit, I can take it, and I love you, and I don’t want you to feel taken advantage of. I want you to feel that there is at least one safe place on this Earth, and that’s us at L/L Research. Let us be your safe place, and we will not let you down. That I can say with absolute surety. I have never broken a promise in my life. If I had, I wouldn’t even know who I was any more.

As to what are some of the other projects, well let’s see, I wasn’t really satisfied with the preparations I was making for the channeling sessions, so for about three years, I would go through everything that it took to get myself in the position to channel, in other words, I would do my prayers, I would tune myself to the highest and best I possibly could, I would ask only for those spirits that would come for me in the name of Christ. Everybody has his own way—as a mystical Christian since the cradle, that’s an obvious choice. But,I wanted to get it down, I wanted to be sure I was doing the best I could.

So, I would get to the place where I’d gotten the contact, and it just seemed to me that it wasn’t right to get it and not give something back. So, I’d channel just like I thought of the day, you know, and the project is all done as far as being all typed up, but Joe Webber up in New York, who is a reader, volunteered to do some drawings, very nice drawings, too, pen and ink so that you can do it in black and white, cheaper. That’s one.

Another really exciting one, it will be 366 days for Leap Year, we will not forget Leap Year—and I don’t know if it will ever see the light of day, it just depends on how things go, and I absolutely refuse to go around asking people for money, because if the stuff is good, it will sell by word of mouth, I think. Maybe I’m just being totally naïve, and please, please correct me if I’m wrong. But I don’t want to put myself forward. I don’t want to put my stuff forward. It’s almost distasteful to me to say, “I’ve got this great idea, da-de-da” when it isn’t I who’ve got the great idea, I was just a channel. It came into me freely, it’s gone through me freely, and if it helps other people, great, and if it can help more people because somebody wanted to do a little bit more work on it and make it more commercial, great. But, as for myself, my goals simply do not include that kind of ambition.

Another project is really fun. I have a reader in Michigan who is stone deaf. She’s a Quaker, but she started channeling Aaron, who is a Buddhist Master, and it’s delightful. We’ve only had one session so far. We plan on doing this until we get enough for a book. It’s totally delightful to see that not only do Barbara and I, who are completely different—as different as night and day. Talk about Mutt and Jeff—Barbara is big and solid and practical and strong, everything that I’m not. I’m like a peacock feather. There aren’t too many little feather things in there, but it’s a pretty design. I’m strong, but I’m strong in a really fragile way, so it’s a really good combination. Her channel, her contact, Aaron, and my contact, Q’uo, get along really, really well too. There’s no ego. And I think that’s really important for people to see, that in between the great world religions, any religion you want to name—your own religion, if you’ve made one up—what you’re basically doing is making a personal myth, and in this myth is the road to eternity. Some of the orthodox myths, called religions, work for people, some of them don’t and people have to create their own person myth.

As somebody once said to me, “We’re all myths in our own mind”—legends in our own mind, that was it, “We’re all legends in our own mind.” And I think life really is like that—it’s so subjective that I never know what I’m telling is absolute truth or whether it has an element of my personal myth going on in there. But I don’t worry about it, I just let it flow out.

Anything you have an idea for—anything that I can do to help you, you just let me know. I don’t want you to shop my material, simply because it’s not commercial, it’s spiritual, and if you can create a commercial, what can I say, façade, underneath of which all the metaphysics is still contained, more power to you, and let’s do it together. But, I honestly do not think, really, that any of the work I’ve done is truly commercial, and I think you’re a person that is a very good judge of that, and you’re very creative, so, if you ever shopped anything to anybody, it would not be mine. It would be yours, done in collaboration with some idiot in Kentucky, named Carla.

So those are two projects that are going out really well. We have an old video tape of Don and me, back when I was terribly, terribly heavy. I was almost 130 lbs. because the arthritis had hit, and I had not yet gathered the fact that if you sit still, you shouldn’t eat so much, you know? Bingo, Reuckert. Anyway, we went down to Mexico and my kidneys were healed by a psychic surgeon called “Pitita,” and it’s really a delightful video tape. It’s called “Open Oven” and it was on one of Ted Turner’s stations in Atlanta, and I really enjoy watching it, of course, because I loved Don dearly. We had a celibate relationship for 16 years, but it was very primary, and we really adored each other.

We have tapes and tapes and tapes, and I told Jim it wouldn’t cost us very much at all to listen to the tapes, to pick out the ones that were good, and offer them as a series. He’s reluctant to do that for the very simple reason that he’s already rushed completely off his feet doing the things he has to do around here. We just don’t have enough manpower. When Don was alive, Don would be going out and doing the work, but he had the money to pay for somebody to cook, somebody to clean, somebody to do the washing, and all Jim and I had to do was the L/L stuff, and also I was a lot healthier then as far as being able to get around. At this point, it doesn’t look good. I’m not saying that it’s life threatening—I really don’t know what’s going on there, but I sure can’t move around much without more pain than is worth moving around, so I just don’t do it.

I’m totally open, and if you have some ideas that could use a little oomph, by all means send them to me and I’ll collaborate back with you. It’s not like I think I have all these things to give and you have all these things to help. It’s that we’re two very creative people, probably largely misunderstood by most of this planet’s people (laughs) but we can make whatever contribution we can make, and I think we’re both really oriented to doing that.

What was I telling you—I think I missed something on meditation. Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you that the Western body does not like to sit still, and so it will make you sick, but I didn’t tell you exactly how, I don’t think. Not only will you get maybe a stomach ache, or you get a headache, but things happen in your mind, things from the very highest part of your subconscious that you’re afraid of will start coming in, like bogeymen, and you’ll see monsters, or you’ll see terrible thing happening. It’s simply the fact that your whole body mechanism is not oriented towards being still. So, I really urge Western people not to try for a real long meditation, certainly not at first. Ten, fifteen minutes, groovy. You’d be surprised. What I do is, like I said before, I just use sounds. You know how sounds, clicks, like that, you hear something click, you hear the microwave timer click, you hear the car door click, you hear different things make noises. At that point, if you hear a click, and you say, “love.” You’re centered, and it hasn’t taken you a minute, it hasn’t taken you a moment.

There are lots of other projects that are in the possibility range, but obviously you can’t do it all, so I’ll just tell you about those.

I very much sympathize with you about not looking like your press photo. I know what you mean. I look in the mirror and I see a frog, and everybody else says, “Oh, you’re so beautiful, you just shine from within,” and all I see is a frog (laughs). Somebody kiss me so I can turn into a princess (laughing). But, it’s true, it’s true, the packaging is very illusory, and the personality behind it enlivens it so that people pay attention to you, and certainly I have experienced being very charismatic in my life, not something I particularly enjoyed, but something that happened. I, too, was extremely thin as a child, although I was very graceful. I danced a lot; my grandmother’s teacher was a contemporary of Martha Graham. Her name was Florence Fleming Noyes, and she started a modern dance foundation that my grandmother taught at until she got too old, and then she was the accompanist and she created music for the dance. My mother is still, at the age of 68, dancing and teaching, and I would still be too, except that I can’t do it anymore.

So, I was graceful, and I still am graceful except for the fact that I have to hobble, and my hips hurt, and all that stuff, but I have a pretty good coordination and fast reflexes and all that. But I was so thin that you could see my hip bones clearly, my nickname was “Handlebars,” right. So, I sympathize with all that, and I, too, have itty bitty breasts, they’re very round, actually they’re not itty bitty, because there’s just not much fat there, it’s mostly gland, and I used to feel really bad about that when I was younger and I was more into the Playboy mentality, but as I grew older, I noticed that men were drawn to a woman with high breasts that weren’t being caught in your belt, you know, the way the well-endowed and blessed people were in their early 20’s or earlier, and at the age of 48, I still can’t hold a quarter under my boobs, so…I’m not at all flat-chested—like you, I’m just as round as the archetype of woman. Everything about me is round, but I’m little. I will admit that my vanity is taking a terrible beating with this stomach trouble because I’m retaining water, and my waist has gone away on vacation somewhere, but I have very very wide hipbones, and I have the kind of dancer’s shape that has very wide shoulders and then a real sharp tapering ribcage, and then very sudden, very wide hipbones, and then the rest of me is all legs. My legs are as long as my husband’s and he’s 5’8“ and I’m 5’4,“ so I have really long legs. So, I really hate the fact that I’m developing all my chins. It’s just starting but I can see it coming. When I look down I go, “Oh, oh,” but these things happen, you know, we’re going to have to get old and that’s part of it. There’s nothing we can do about it.

As to being celibate, I truly feel that as long as you feel that sex, in and of itself has the possibility of being a very beautiful communion and oneness between two people, it doesn’t matter whether you’re active or not. It could matter less. You can be celibate, non-celibate, whatever you want, but what clears that energy is the love and respect that you have for that energy. It’s propagated the species, it’s kept us alive, it’s foundation. If our red ray is blocked, the rest of us is blocked. If we have bitterness, and we’re holding back, we’re not going to get a lot of work done elsewhere, so there’s nothing wrong with being celibate and I support you absolutely in whatever choices you make, because I, myself, have been celibate for years at a time because I did not feel that I was dealing with anybody who was asking me out who thought I was special to them, and I don’t want to be part of a long list, thank you very much. I want to be special, and maybe that’s—I’m sure that vanity, sure it’s vanity, but I want my life to be holy, and if I can’t worship in my intimacy, I don’t see the point, I really don’t, because I do honor that red ray.

So, don’t waste yourself, and don’t feel guilty about not having sex in your life, if it isn’t appropriate. It comes to you and you know it, and you feel good about it, and you do it, that’s all. I really can grasp where you and M are much more from what you said. Of course, the key is communication. What he expected from you was a totally hidden agenda. I doubt if you were as hidden with him as he was with you. I imagine that he took so much for granted that he didn’t even both to tell you anything. He simply had all these expectations that were hidden, and as soon as you got married, he started trotting them out. Now, if somebody, after I cleaned the house, told me I had a dustball under my bed, my basic reaction would be, “F— you, Jack,” go get it yourself if it bothers you that much. “What’s wrong with dust? Innocent little dustball. My God, it’s not dirty, really, it’s just kind of hanging in there, you know, it will be there when you come and get it again.” And as to him looking at a pot and saying, “Oh, look, you missed something there,” again, I would have turned to him and said, “F— you, Jack. Wash it off it you don’t like it, I don’t see any bugs, do you see any bugs, there’s not a roach in the sink, what are you talking about?” As you can see, I may be a nice person, but I’m not so nice that I don’t stand up for myself. (Chuckles)

I feel that M’s expectations of you are completely unrealistic, and I feel that this must hurt you greatly, more than you could ever say, and I’m not going to mess in, I just want to say, D, I’m sorry. I’m sorry people aren’t appreciating you for who you are. You deserve a lot more than you have. You deserve somebody who really, really appreciates you, and really values you, and really supports you. I don’t know why husbands and wives have to be adversaries. I’ve never been an adversary of anybody that I’ve been intimate with, not that I’ve had a big experience or anything, because I am a very strong monogamer, I’m very monogamous, and I put everything I have into the relationship—not to be appreciated when you have so much to give—my heart really bleeds for you, and it isn’t that I feel sorry, or I feel pity, or anything like that. I’ve been in the same boat. I have been unappreciated a lot in my life, and it hurts, D, it really hurts. But you’re just going to have to appreciate yourself, and love yourself, and know that you do have, at least, one goofy friend in Kentucky that loves you too, just the way you are. You don’t have to change. In whatever you do I will support you, because I have absolute faith in you. You’re very, very strong, and tough and honest, and open, and I think that your ethics are beyond reproach, and if you make a decision, I have total faith that it’s the right one for you.

So, please don’t feel any criticism from me at all over this, and I would ask if M wanted to listen to this, “M, don’t feel that I’m criticizing (End of Side 3, beginning of Side 4) I don’t know if M can be talked to from the way you speak about things, it seems that M has his mind pretty much made up. It’s too bad, there’s a lot of loss in what you had to tell me, and my heart goes out to you, but whatever you do, I’m behind you all the way, and if there’s anything at all that I can do, please let me know.

M trying to change somebody is like trying to make the Earth square. The Earth has to be round so it will be in balance with the universe. People have to be who they are so that the universe will be whole. We can’t change people, we shouldn’t change people, we shouldn’t even want to change people. We can say, “This hurts me,” we can say, “We need to talk,” we can say, “Let’s look for a compromise here,” but to expect someone to fulfill your expectations without discussion and without agreement and without love, is closing a lot of doors of compassion and fellowship and companionship, and maybe it’s not macho, but it sure does work, just sitting down and slogging through it, doing whatever crying that has to be done, trying not to be against each other, but always trying to see the other person’s point of view and working always towards unity. Because I see a mated couple as two people pulling one wagon, and the wagon is us. The wagon carries spouses and the Creator, and the service that you’re going to perform, and you two, as mates, are pulling that wagon, and if one person is pulling, and the other one isn’t, you’re not going to get anywhere except around in small circles.

So, you have to figure out how to work together, and sometimes that takes more communication than you would believe, but I have it from reliable male sources that it is worth it. Readers that write in and say, “What’ll I do, what’ll I do, my wife is going off on all these tangents that I don’t understand.” I’ll write back and say, “Okay, she will accept you. You will accept her. Start there. Don’t be against each other. Accept the fact that no two people are the same at all.” There isn’t such a thing as a proper life—there is only a loving life, and everybody loves in his own special way, and I’m talking to you D, now, so that you won’t feel that in any way, shape or form, he’s right. He’s not right. The proper life for you is the life that you feel is true for you, and if you push yourself around—I’m not saying adjustment is wrong, I think adjusting is great. I’m saying adapting is great. But not to the extent that you lose yourself. That’s just not healthy.

I have been angry few times in my life, but I think one of the angriest times I ever had was when someone’s mother started writing me because she knew that her child, a grownup woman of 30, was coming to our meditations, and she was praying and begging me to show her the way so that she could begin living the life God intended for her to live. Now, I waltzed around that for a couple of times, because I don’t like to blast people out of the water, I don’t want to be a stumbling block, but I had finally had enough, and I wrote her, and I said, “What makes you think that God is not already at work in her life, and has not already been at work in her life forever? What makes you think that you know what God wants for anybody else? Where do you get this information?” Actually, I was furious, my pulse went up, my face got red, I was really angry, and I do it very seldom. I’m not an angry person.

Okay. This is going to be a long tape, girl.

I really like what you said about the money, when your husband promised you the money so that you could do some creative things, and then you were totally under stress because you never had the money on time, and he says, “I don’t know why you’re getting more photos because you’re not an actress.” And you said, “I smiled gratefully through my gritted teeth, I said to myself, ‘darling, you don’t know how good an actress I’m being right at this very minute’.” Isn’t that the truth, D. Good for you, good for you. I’m glad you had the distance to see it. It’s all a matter of attitude. Just his opinion of you has absolutely nothing to do with you. Sorry about that, M. You have nothing to do with the way M is. We don’t have the right to change other people’s lives. If possible, we look for somebody that we can work well with spiritually, and mentally, and emotionally, and have a good intimate sexual relationship that pleases both of us whenever it may be. That’s different for everybody. And no, I agree with you, M will probably never understand anything different because he grew up with a mother who never said a word.

As to holding grudges, I’ve never been able to hold a grudge. I don’t know what that’s all about. I get made like an Irishman for two minutes sometimes. I get mad—not throwing things mad but just mad. But, you know, I can’t hold it for more than about two or three minutes, and it’s all gone. I just don’t have it in me. I don’t understand how people can hold grudges, because people change, and they change, and they change, and the person that was yesterday is not the person today, and he’s not the person he’s going to be tomorrow, so grudges don’t make any sense. That’s all I have to say about that.

And D, once again, don’t apologize for telling me what’s going on with you. Please. I care. I want to know. People send me a one-page letter and I have to sit there with it in my hand and just try to imagine what they want, and a lot of times people write and say, well, yeah, you really hit the nail on the head, but with a one-page letter how much chance do you have doing that. I’m not a psychic in the sense that I can tell you when the next earthquake is, or where your Uncle Earl is after he’s died, or anything like that. I’m not an occult type, I don’t go after numerology or astrology or all that stuff. What I am is a communicator. I listen, hopefully I listen well. But, the more I have to listen to, I think the more well-informed I am as to answering, and the thing that means the most to me, is what you said here, “I feel good and right about my conclusions, and I only feel this way because I know that I tried everything I could and it still feels wrong in the heart.” D, you can’t get any better than that. Your heart has the real wisdom, don’t let anybody tell you differently. Don’t be put on a guilt trip by anybody. I will give you a hint.

I was married, my first marriage, it was really funny. I don’t know if I’ve told you this story or not. I have this little squeaky voice which isn’t good for much besides folk music, but it just so happened at the time I was a kid, folk music was becoming popular, and further, it happened because I live in Kentucky, and I was laid up in bed for eight months total with kidney problems, I was doing things that I could do in bed. I researched everything that all the libraries in the state had about Appalachian folk music, so I had like 60 different songs that I loved to sing that nobody else knew, and I had written many songs, I worked with a professor from college later in my life, and translated from the Gaelic, and my first husband married me because the manager, who managed Peter, Paul & Mary, happened to catch our act on a local TV show and said he wanted to manage us because he was getting tired of managing somebody that was so famous already, but wasn’t really any trouble to manage, and he wanted a new challenge.

Well, Jim agreed, but he said that we had to get married before we went on tour. We were supposed to open for Peter, Paul & Mary, so we married. The day after we married, he hung up his guitar (laughs). He wouldn’t sing anymore, he wouldn’t play anymore, he wouldn’t work, he wouldn’t go to school, forget it. I hung in there through six times he left me and a lover, who happened to be my best friend. The seventh time he left me he made it, he went ahead and got a divorce. Three days after he got the divorce, he proposed. For three years, until he married again, he proposed once a day at least. The day of his marriage, he said, “This is your last chance. Will you please marry me, or I’m going to be married to somebody else.” Oh, sure, that’s exactly what I want, I want to run into another brick wall like I did the first time. No, I don’t think I’ll do that, Jim. (Well, my husband’s name was Jim, that’s why I call Jim, “Mick” so often, Jim McCarty).

At any rate, I knew in my heart that I did not have the strength to trust this person anymore, and no matter what anybody said, I couldn’t do it. But what really startled me about it, was that during the divorce, his folks, my folks, all of our friends—now, I will admit Jim never held a job, and did things that people thought were right. I never gave him any grief over that, he was a lot of fun. He made me laugh, you know. For better, for worse, is what it means. But everybody was so negative, so mean, so petty, it was like walking in some kind of poison all the time, and I had to resist anger from his mother, who told me to take the charge cards out and charge everything I would ever need in my entire life while he was still responsible for all the bills. Now, why would I want to do that? His mother told me to do that. And that’s just the beginning. I don’t want to tell a long story, but watch out for that, D, if you do go through a divorce process. Don’t let people talk you into being bitter just because they’re bitter. You don’t have to be bitter. You’ve given it the best shot you had. You’re not walking away in anger. Just be you, and hold your tongue if you don’t have anything better to say than, “I really hate you for saying that.” Try to find something a little more neutral, like, “Thank you for your advice, but I really prefer to remain on the same side as my ex-husband, and I really want to help him as much as I can, and I know he feels the same way about me.”

It’s going to be hard if you do that, but it’s worth it, because then you can never look back and say, “Well, if I had only.” If you’ve been good to your spouse through all this, no matter how he has been, if M has been a rotten S.O.B., still, you have done your part to spread peace and harmony, and the only person you can work on is yourself. I really do sympathize with you in this situation, because I really can see that you love him and respect him, and that’s very, very precious. I leave it all to you, knowing that there are no mistakes, as Ra always said.

Now, as for the nymphomaniac from hell, I don’t quite understand that. I thought nymphomaniacs were what men liked (laughs). I am definitely a nymphomaniac myself. I love to go to bed, I absolutely adore making love. To me, it’s like Thanksgiving and Christmas and Holy Communion. I feel like I’m praying, you know. I don’t understand the negative take people have on sex. It’s just such a beautiful thing. Of course, I have never gone to bed with somebody I didn’t really care about, and who didn’t really think I was a special person, and that probably makes a lot of difference. When I was 15, I did try going out. I thought I’d give lust a try, so I chose the handsomest guy in the class, and sort of made it real easy for him to take me out, and we kissed and fumbled around. We didn’t really do anything, but it was enough to tell me that I was going to be fairly nauseated by this, I didn’t like the guy. So, I gave up on lust and decided I’d wait until I fell in love, which I did, and I think that was a real good decision for me to make, because all of my feelings about sex are very positive.

I really see what you’re saying when you say, “I have never been free, totally free, of strangling relationships.” About the only thing I can do in terms of offering an opinion, is to say that people can try to strangle you, but you have the options of allowing them to, or walking away, and saying, “I will not allow this—you are strangling me and I am not allowing this.” You don’t have to say it with your voice raised, or with anger, or with anything, you simply have to say, “Sorry, but I will not tolerate this kind of abuse. It is bad for me, it is bad for you, it’s bad for our relationship, and I’d like for you to think about it for a while. I cannot deal with this at this time, it is hurting my feelings, and I need to be by myself until you are in a more loving mood.” That’s it, take the noose off. You really do have it within your power to do so.

The person that is the hardest to grapple with is yourself. You put the noose around your own neck, much more than anybody else does, because you’re trying so hard. Take that noose off. Forgive yourself, and by that, I don’t mean, “For what?” I don’t know, for nothing. But for some reason, you are giving yourself a portion of blame that isn’t yours, it’s just not yours, don’t claim it. You didn’t do these things. You may have made some unwise choices in your life, yeah, but you don’t have to make them today. So, I strongly urge you to fall in love with yourself.

I’m glad I remind you of your family. My family was and is, I guess, but mostly was…Daddy was a jazz musician, you know. He was a chemical engineer, but he was the kind of a guy that would say, “Well, it’s a day job.” He never took it seriously. He was a very responsible provider and all that, and mother, although she was desperately drunken most of the time was a wonderful, beautiful, singer/dancer, she was Dave Garraway’s right hand lady, the Ba-Ba Wa-Wa, in Chicago, in radio in the 40’s, and Dave moved to New York radio and asked her to go with him, but she couldn’t because she’d just gotten pregnant. My parents’ idea of a good time was to have a jam session after the gig was over, from 2:00 until 6:00 in the morning, or invite people over and read a Shakespearean play with one person taking each part, or several parts, or playing Charades, you know, just reading to each other, reading poetry. I never had the feeling that art was something that you learned. I had the feeling that art was just part of things. Mother always, when she was home, she had the classical station on. I wasn’t even into rock n’ roll until the Beatles. The Beatles knocked me for a loop when I saw A Hard Day’s Night, which was ’64.

Anyway, I was writing for the school paper, for the university paper at that time, and I gave it a rave review and compared them to the Marx Bros., for which I was fired. (Laughs). Yeah, our family, for all its faults, and all its drunkenness, and all of its craziness, is a laughing, talking, caring, loud family. We love each other a lot. My mother has no way in the world to show that she loves anybody. She’s completely crippled in that way, and all she does is either, she’s nervous or she’s hysterical. Take your pick. She was a wonderful teacher because she was so dramatic.

The reason I learned to sing music before I learned the words, because my folks had Madrigal parties, and one of the people we knew had a group, a Madrigal group, and he would bring over enough music for everybody, and we would sing these Madrigals acapella, and I was just two years old, I don’t know how old I was, and still I delighted in following the music, and really, if you have any sense at all, you can see when it goes up and when it goes down, the notes on the page, and you gradually catch on to reading it, and you gradually catch on to the timing of it, and so my experiences in my family were very creative, let’s put it that way. We didn’t go to garbage, but I will tell you this: In 1965 my parents went to Europe because Daddy had a job to do over there for his company, and I had the house, and I spent six weeks burning things. Six weeks! Can you imagine? Well, of course, you can imagine. Daddy was a junk collector, nobody ever threw anything away. It just got piled into corners, and shoved back, and shoved back, and shoved back. Nobody knew where anything was. It drove me crazy. So, by golly, they left; I burned. (laughs). And I scrubbed the entire house with Pine Sol so it would smell good, and I had a very good time in that house. Unfortunately, mother always disliked it.

Okay, on to the questions. I’m afraid this is going to be a real long tape, so pardon the length of it, but there’s just no other way, and I know you’ll tell me, “Hang it up, it’s okay,” so I hear that.

I don’t remember a planet called “Essence.” I remember they talked about Maldek, and the Essenes were a mystical Jewish communal group, whose ideas came out in Jesus’ teaching. They had started about a hundred years before he was born, but the planet where all the trees and everything communicated with everybody, I only had that happen to me twice. Once, when I was a little girl and I would go to sleep for my nap, and if I put my glasses on the right slat of the Venetian blinds, I could focus on that point of light, and I could go into a different place, and that was that place. When I died (I did have a death experience when my kidneys failed) I went to a place that was very lovely, and I was really happy and I wasn’t in any more pain, and my skin was completely unblemished, and it had been hideous with glomerulonephritis, that’s the name of it. It just means that you have these really awful symmetrical blotches all over your body, inside and out.

During the time that I was showing a flatline on the brainwave thing, I was in this wonderful place, and I could talk to the flowers and everything, but this voiceover came sparkling out of the air—I could see the words, I couldn’t see them spelled out but I could see the energy, I could see the light, and basically, whoever it was, said, “Well, you have your choice, you picked a really hard incarnation. You can quit now, or you can go back and finish, so I came back and finished. So, that was the place, I wouldn’t call it a planet, I would call it a “plane of existence” where the illusion was not so heavy, because I think we all really can communicate. I can communicate with my couch if I focus on it enough. I can communicate with my car, my cat, with anything, it’s all alive.

In the sessions that were omitted, they were always omitted because of one of two things. Number one, it was a maintenance session where we were getting really boring information like, “What’s wrong with Carla this time?” which wouldn’t have had any meaning to anybody else, or we were getting information involving government secrets, and we had had enough experience by that time with people tapping our phone, and thinking that we were in some way trying to be subversive, that I refused, I simply put my foot down and refused to publish it, because I did not want my phone tapped, I did not want my life bothered, I did not care, you know? So, really, the maintenance sessions were not for our personal growth, but just to keep me alive, because I got down to about 84 lbs, and I’m 5’4,“ and I wasn’t real strong, and everybody was concerned about that. I tended to lose between two and three pounds per session, and it’s really hard to keep up your weight when you’re losing that much money. So basically, yes, we concentrated on conceptual ideas with the one exception, that in the first volume of The Law of One, Don, who had a scientific background, and was very interested in UFO’s and Bigfoot, and all the other phenomena, kept getting caught in the phenomena, but in the end, I guess I’ve decided that I think it’s a good idea because that’s where most people are. They’re caught on some oddity, like crop circles. Crop circles are the big deal now. They used to call them “fairy rings” in Shakespeare’s time. It’s not like anything has changed or anything. But everybody has got to make a big deal out of everything.

So, no, I never went into past life experiences. I could care less. I figure whatever I’ve done before, this is now, this is the incarnation in which I have to learn, and be able to demonstrate that I live love, that I treat people lovingly, that I care about people, and that I forgive people, and it doesn’t matter what happened before. I can’t do anything about what happened before. All I can do is say, “Okay, I may not be from this place, but I’m here now, and I’m a citizen, and to get off of this rock, I need to face the same test that everybody else does, and that is simply walking into as much light as you can comfortably enjoy and use, and wherever you stop, whatever light is enough for you, it’s either third density, or its fourth density, so it’s not really one of those judgments where they write down all your good points and all your bad points. Judgment is very, very objective and fair and absolute, because there are people whose job it is to make sure that the light is absolutely as it should be, so that when people stop, they know that they’ve stopped, and where they’ve stopped, and they go from there.

I can see why you’re having trouble with Ra’s ideas about choosing your parents. The idea is simple, but it takes a mind that can look around corners and think of things that haven’t been thought of in exactly this way. Ra mentioned several times, and I have always felt really, that all time was simultaneous. Everything that has happened to us, is happening to us, and will happen to us, is happening right now. Time is an illusion, just like space, so that we in first density, second density, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, we are all one being, but we are experiencing ourselves being that being in an artificial time/space continuum, and the reason for the artificial time/space continuum is so that we can learn the lesson of love that we were hoping to learn as the Creator, as the wholeness of the Creator that we were before we splintered off into various portions of the Creator to learn these lessons, so that you’re here in third density, and you have access to a higher self who has the wisdom of mid-sixth density, which in turn has the wisdom of seventh density, and all of that is coming back to you here as you make your choices, insofar as you let this information into your life. But that doesn’t mean that you are a fragmented person. You’re a whole person, and you’re learning the lessons out of free will that you choose to learn. It isn’t that you choose how you’re going to feel, how you’re going to react, anything like that—it’s sort of like you take a map, and say, “Okay, I want to go from Atlanta to Chicago, and here’s the roadmap.”

Okay, some of the highways are Interstates, and are pretty straight and so forth, and then you’ve got those highways that are blue, and they’re real windy, and then you have the possibility of getting there by going around the world the other way. The only thing that’s set before you, is the goal of where you’re trying to get. In other words, what lesson are you trying to learn. So, in third density, far from being a fragmented self, we are very whole, we are entire, we are complete, but we do have, in our deep minds, the entirety of ourselves—the beginning, the middle, the end. All these words use the illusion, you see, so there is really no way I can say this, it’s a concept of simultaneity, but if you can sit down and seriously take some breathes, or count to ten, or do something to calm down and say, okay, what is this about, what is going on here? You have access to a great deal of wisdom and compassion from within yourself, and it’s not somebody that’s different from you, it’s just that the sixth-density portion of you has had more experience. But that person who is sixth density would not be that sixth- density person if you were not, right now, in third density, with a completely blind illusion, not being able to see anything whatsoever, and having to go on blind faith making choices. I think this life is about making choices for love and not for fear. You look at life, you look at what’s put in front of you, and you say, “Am I moving from love, or am I moving from fear ,” and you make your choices, and you do have these gifts that you’ve given yourself from what we would call the future. I don’t believe in actuality that there is a past, present and future. I believe there is an eternal now, and that is why I personally am so grateful for each and every moment, because it’s now. It’s the only now that is right now, and it’s complete, it’s whole, it has everything. It has everything I need, and all I have to do is have the faith to turn to a positive point of view, and the will and persistence to persevere in that point of view, no matter how unloving people are acting towards me.

I think I already did think about being preplanned, but I’ll say it again: The preplanning has to do with the lesson you want to learn. Do you want to learn that money can’t buy you love? Do you want to learn that love is all the abundance you’ll ever need? Do you want to learn how to love better? Do you want to learn how to love unselfishly? There are many, many different ways, lessons, about love that we have to learn, and we set up a situation which is guaranteed to screw us up in such a way that we’re going to have to tackle these questions, one way or another. But, it’s our free choice. We planned those lessons. We wanted to learn those lessons. But it doesn’t mean that we have to go here, or go there, or go to another place, or that the straight highway is the best for us. Not at all! Not at all! We have to follow our hearts all of the time. And, we can’t judge ourself. We can’t say, “Well, am I learning my lesson today?” Forget it! You’ll never know. You can’t take your own spiritual temperature. About the closest you can come to taking your own spiritual temperature, is to look at somebody else and see what you think of that person. Whatever you’re thinking about that person that you don’t like, or that you do like, is like a mirror reflecting yourself back to yourself. You’re looking at what you don’t like about yourself, you’re looking at what you like about yourself. This may seem crazy, but there are many, many levels that you sometimes need to go to, to get the information that you need from your reaction to other people, and yes, you did certainly preplan those people. So, even though your father was alive when you were still alive, as a holocaust victim, in the simultaneous present, you and your parents did make these agreements. It’s on a whole other level of existence, another plane of existence, but it is not outside of our Earth experience. It’s part of it.

Okay, so an entity does not preplan how he will participate in a series of likely events, he merely preplans the probability that these events will come forth in the life. The choices that we make are completely free, and when you read writings of people who have been in a terrible time, like Detrick von Harper, or you read the whiney self-pitying books written by famous people, you can see that there is no way to preplan behavior or reactions. All you can do is set up the situation. What always comforts me, and what makes me try harder, is the knowledge that if I don’t get it this time, I’m going to get it again. (Carla moves one of her kitties, and says, “she tends to set on the pause button, which doesn’t help things.”)

Now, about this baby dream. I don’t have any skill at this, but I can give you my opinion. The dream that you had about the baby, that you gave birth to a child. I have a feeling that that child is your spiritual self. Now, children are very fragile, babies, infants, are terribly fragile, they need protection, they need silence, they need special care, they don’t need to be talked about or shown off to people, they need to be tenderly and privately cared for, and I think that’s when a person is beginning on a spiritual path, and believe me, we don’t do anything more in this life than begin, we have to respect that child of spirit that has been born within ourselves, and nurture that spirit in the womb of the heart, and let that spirit grow gently, lovingly, supportingly, and with ultimate respect, because that’s who we truly are. These bodies that carry us around, that we look at in the mirror—that’s all an illusion. The intelligence, the skills, the personality, very nice, thank you very much, it’s an illusion. Who we are really is how much we can let love flow through us. In other words, how much of the Creator we can hold, because the One Great Original thought that created everything, was love. And the more that we are able to let that flow through us, it doesn’t deplete us at all, and it simply blesses everybody. But we can’t show off that baby and talk to people about that baby without doing that child harm. We need to be quiet about that child, quiet about our spiritual growth, nurture it, care for it, tend to it, love it, honor it, esteem it, and protect it, because the world and most closely to the baby that is your spirit, your own intellect will tear that baby to bits, and you don’t want that, so never let your intellect start analyzing and rationalizing about your spiritual self. Just know that there is a precious, precious thing within you, and if you never have a child that you can hold in your arms, you are giving birth to yourself as a spirit. Never lose respect for that, never, ever forget to help it out, because it really does need reassurance and protection.

Of course, you felt that you’re not prepared to mother yet. Nobody ever feels (end of side 4, begin side 5)…I can’t remember exactly what my sentence was because I was fooling with the cat. I think it was something about not feeling prepared to be able to be a mother to your spiritual baby. Nobody believes that he is ready. If we waited until we were ready to be wise in order to teach, there would be no teaching. I faced that a long time ago when I first started getting readers writing in to me. I started my first book in ‘76, and I’m just a person, I’m just okay. I have my gifts, sure, no problem there, I acknowledge that, but clay feet are in the mix, that’s all there is to it, and you can do one of two things: you can choose not to teach and not to say what you think because you’re not wise enough yet, or you can accept yourself as the subjectively perceived imperfect being that you perceive yourself to be, and say, “Okay, I’m going to give it my best, honest shot, and I’m going to tell people I’m not a guru, I’m not an authority figure, I’m just sharing my opinions, but you’re welcome to them, and I hope they help.” And really, that’s how you treat a child anyway, you can’t be absolutely right for any child, and certainly you can’t be right for your spirit, but in third density, you see, there is this tremendous choice that we are able to make between the path of service to others, and the path of service to self. If we can make that choice, and make it firmly, we’ve laid the foundation for a lot of learning in the future that will be more harmonious because we worked hard here.

I look at third density as a kind of Marine boot camp, the Paris Island of the universe, and I’m swatting at sand flies but I’m still trying to make my choices in such a way so that when I leave this incarnation into larger life, I’ll say, hmmm, so those were my choices, hmmm, I see, okay. You are always subconsciously being given a choice. As a matter of fact—I’m a nut on songs, and there’s a song that I dearly love, which—pardon the Christian bent to it, I don’t really mean to put anything Christian on you, but it’s just that the message, if I can find it, here we go. By the way, I’m a hymnbook junky, and a prayer book junky. I try to collect them all. This is an old Episcopalian one. It’s really, really good, because even though there really is no good and evil, in this density it’s set up as an illusion so that we make our choices between what we perceive as good and what we perceive as evil. This was written by a guy in the 19th Century, James Russell Lowell, and put to tune by a guy, same century, it’s kind of old.

Carla sings: “Once to every man and nation, comes the moment to decide, in the strife of truth with falsehood, for the good or evil side; Some great cause, God’s new Messiah, offering each the boom or blight, And the choice goes by for ever ’twixt the darkness and the light.” I don’t think I’ll sing the rest of it because it is truly, truly Christian, but I do think that although theologically it’s probably incorrect to say “Once to every man comes the moment to decide,” I think always now is the moment to decide, and I really take that seriously, and I think it really, really, makes a difference. Third density is precious specifically because it is difficult, specifically because we’re looking at what seems to be a very negative world; a world in which it is easy to feel helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed and so forth, but what are we going to do about it within ourselves? Those are the choices that count.

As to the rest of your talking about marital problems, I honestly don’t think that anybody should ever conceive a baby in order to save a marriage, that’s disastrous, but that’s just an opinion. It doesn’t pull people closer together, it drives them further apart because there’s more work to do, and there’s the same amount of time to do it in, which means that you don’t even get the communication you’re getting now.

Okay, Soulmates. I don’t believe in that. I think we know a lot of people, we’ve been through a lot of incarnations, we’ve worked with some people longer than others, but the whole idea of twin flames, or twin souls, or soulmates and all that stuff, I think it’s hooey, frankly. I think the whole goal is to become one with everybody, and I see no point in soulmates. Okay, you love somebody, you adore somebody, you don’t have to talk to each other, you’re totally at peace with each other. What are you learning? Did we come here for this? We did not come here for recess and lunch, I mean, that’s just not it, we came here to do some classes. So, I’m not the person to ask about soulmates. And that doesn’t mean that I haven’t had a relationship with a man to whom I did not have to talk, who understood me completely, who adored me with every bone in his body, and whom I adored back. I simply felt that we had done a lot of work before and I adored him. But I didn’t have any need to put some kind of a value on it, some kind of a name. We were people with a head start, because we’d worked together for some time before, and we did some good work, and Don and Jim and I together did The Ra Material, and without Don we still do very good material. It’s just not at the same level as The Ra Material because I can’t go into trance. Ra, himself, or themselves, asked the group not to allow me to go into trance at any time unless Don, Jim and I were the only ones in the room, because apparently our group had attracted the attention of a negative fifth density type, who really wanted to take me out, and stop the contact.

That entity was apparently successful, but not with me. Strange as it may seem, with this fragile body, limping around and being a general kind of pain in the ass, Don being so healthy, he was 6’5“ and he could do anything. I never thought it would be Don, but what got Don was he did not have personal compassion, he didn’t have any—I would say to him, Don, you have a lot to learn from me, and I have a lot to learn from you. We need to teach each other. He would say, “I don’t have anything to learn from you.” He said, “All you do is love people, and you love people foolishly, and I don’t need to learn to love people foolishly.” Now, that may seem like he wasn’t supporting me. It was a little hard dealing with Don, Don was like a graduate course in dealing with people, but he didn’t mean it as an insult. He was simply so sure of himself, that the way he looked at things—totally objectively, without any emotion—was the right way to look at things. Without that point of view, I don’t think he could have been the questioner for the Ra contact, and if we’d gotten married and had children I don’t think that we would have been able to have the time to do that, so it was all of a piece, but I think that the fifth-density entity finally did break up the Ra contact simply by making Don feel he was, perhaps, not going to be able to keep his job, not going to be able to provide enough, and Don loved so deeply, that this sent him into a depression, and unfortunately, since he had never, ever listened to anyone’s advice except his own, he was simply not prepared to take advice from a therapist, from me, from Jim, to take any kind of medication, and he got worse and worse and worse, and finally he died. It was a mental illness, and I do think it was a psychic greeting. It’s too bad, and I don’t mean to say that glibly, I say that from the bottom of my heart. But I don’t think of him as a soulmate. He was my comrade-in-arms, because in this illusion, there is a kind of war going on between love and fear (some people call it hate), and people that are fighting on the side of love have casualties, too, and that’s okay. That’s the way we learn. We’re not always going to be here. While we’re here, let’s engage ourselves in what’s happening right now is basically the way I feel about it.

I think I answered about the third density, sixth-density thing. If you need more, I’ll be glad to talk at any length on the thing, but I think basically, what you need to see is that the universe is not a time/space continuum. The universe is. It’s an I AM. It’s one thing. And we, within it have been given an illusion of a river of time that we follow, in which we learn things and we make choices, so that when we all come back together in the end to become the One Creator, that One Creator knows more about its own nature, which is love. So, far from being fragmented, we are whole and complete at every moment of every day. We do, however, need to affirm that to ourselves and not to give up, not to despair, but just say, “Well, Lord, I don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but not my world but thine,” because, not that I don’t think that the Lord and I did it together beforehand, but that right now I’m in this illusion, and I’m not going to know, so I’d best talk to the person who helps me create this incarnational situation, and say, “I do have faith that things will be well, and I have absolutely no understanding of what the heck’s going on, why these things are happening, but I’ll hang in there and I’ll just do my best.” That’s about it.

I’m not sure if I’ve done enough with that, but you just ask, okay?

There is color therapy that is being used. It is, however, not being used by very many orthodox doctors. That’s the main problem with new age type therapies. I would look very carefully at someone who is doing color therapy. I would talk to people I trusted who had gone to this person, and make sure that the person was not just blowing hot air, because the new age is 95% fraud. I hate being included, in fact, in the term “new age,” because it’s not new. All of these thoughts have been around since recorded history began.

Now, visualization is tremendously powerful, and can be very helpful, and if you would like, I will give you a visualization tape that you can use, but before I give you that tape, I would appreciate your telling me what kinds of things that you want to work on, what affirmations you wish to make in your life, and so forth, and then I can—I’m pretty careful. I’m not a hypnotherapist, but I’ve done 300 regressions and stuff like that. I can put people down in a good state, and I can make it so that they can be safe and they can get out of they don’t like it, and I can give you some affirmations that you can listen to, when you want to lie down and take a rest, but just tell me more or less what your hopes are, what your aspirations, and I will be glad to give you a visualization tape, it would be my pleasure.

Okay, number six: “Is part of the incarnating process to learn how to polarize? You betcha! That’s the whole ballgame. The basic problem that people have in polarization is, they do one good thing, they do one kinda good thing, they do one lousy thing, they do another good thing, they do a lousy thing, they do another kind of lousy thing, they do a wonderful thing, and it all adds up to zero. They haven’t gotten anywhere. They’ve just been kind of at the bottom of this well, and they haven’t climbed up the side. In order to polarize, you make a choice for love—that’s the cornerstone, that’s what Ra says. Whatever choice you make for love you follow it up when you recognize another choice, and you figure out the best way that you know to show love, and you choose it. And the third time you see the choice, you look at it, you make a loving choice, then you are polarizing. Where most people have problems is that they polarize, and they polarize, and they polarize, but they haven’t solved survival, sexual difficulties, they haven’t solved relationship difficulties, they haven’t solved the feelings they have about their jobs, or their country, or what’s going on in the world, which is blocking energy to the heart, and if we don’t have an open heart, a loving heart that is having lot’s of energy coming into it, it’s going to be very hard to polarize because we’re going to have to depend on ourselves, and not that which comes through us, starting with the red ray. So, the best thing that we can do to polarize really is to clear up the energies of survival and personal relationships, and possession, and so forth, and then relationships within the society. At that point, I think we are in the best position to look at life with an open and loving heart, and to have the compassion to allow the love to come through us, to be hollowed out, and not to think so much of ourselves that we block that infinite light, because we, ourselves, do not have much, and we run out pretty quickly. And, as I said before, people seem to have both positive and negative traits. We all do.

D, take a look, look deeply within yourself. I tried to kill somebody when I was eight years old. I really did. No, I was nine, excuse me, I was nine. There was a neighborhood bully and I had my little brother, he was sick and I was watching him, as usual, and he came walking down the street with a 2x over his shoulder, and my brother was playing with three sticks. He had said, “Tell me what to do.” He always did this, he just couldn’t figure out what to do. He was really not bright at that point. He had had an injury which later popped out, but it had crushed part of his brain, and so there was a lot of his brain that he was not able to use, and I was basically the only person that could understand him, really. Here was my sick little brother, just being as good as gold, I’d given him the sticks and told him to sit down on the lawn and enjoy himself, and he was. And here comes this big bully, 14 years old but full grown, and bobs my brother over the head with a 2x4. I mean to tell you, I streamed out of that house on a broom. I was going to kill him. I wanted to murder him. I’m not kidding you. I can remember to this day, I wanted to kill him, I did. And I tried my damnest, but he was so doggone tall that the only thing I was able to do before he started to run away, I got some good scratch marks on his face. Two story endings. Interesting. The bop he gave my brother on the head with the 2x4 popped out the dent that the surgeons had been afraid to touch, and from that point on, he began to talk, and by the time he was old enough to go to school, he could go to school. He turned out to be a genius; and number two, the entire neighborhood, at least my block, was safe, because that guy was terrified of that nine-year-old girl, didn’t want to get anywhere near me.

So, we can all, in some circumstance or another, do anything. We are a circle of being that includes every possible behavior. It is our choices that define us. So, instead of figuring out whether people are positive or whether they’re negative, just treat them like they’re positive, that would be my advice, because usually, the way you treat people ends up being the way you get treated. It may not come from the same person, but if you have that attitude going on all the time, you’re going to get an awful lot of love if you just treat people lovingly. And I know it’s not easy to do, especially in the job that you’re in, and the business that you’re in, but I don’t think that the thought is for that wisdom no matter what.

Now, as to the negative and positive paths of learning, okay. Third density is where we make the choice between the positive path and the negative path, or the Path of Radiation, and the Path of Magnetism. A positively polarized entity has got a tremendous advantage, because it’s easier, in spite of the fact that in third density it does not look easier, to live the truth, and the truth is that we really are all one. We can only do it in blind faith here in third density where it doesn’t look like we’re all one at all, but if we make this choice firmly and with conviction and with persistence in third density, our fourth-density self is going to be a positive self, and we’re going to be learning to be social memory complexes, and to help people and to send love and light to people and to be of service in a way that we, I think most of us in our hearts understand to be the better way—to show love, to be radiant, to allow things to flow through us, not to hold on to things, but to just let it go out and shine where it will, just shine on.

There is also a negative path. The negative path is very, very difficult, much harder than positive. You have to be 95% oriented towards control over other people, and serving yourself. Very hard to do, but some people do choose that. Then, when they get into fourth density they still have to try to form a social memory complex, and it’s very difficult to do because of the pecking order. You’re in fourth density, you’re supposed to be all working together, but you’re constantly playing who’s King of the Hill, who’s top of the heap, who’s the boss, and people struggle and struggle for power and every time they can control other people, they get those people’s power and so forth. It’s very strenuous.

In the fifth density, the positively oriented fifth-density people, and the negatively oriented fifth-density people will have more similarity, because wisdom is basically something that needs to be done with a good deal of the self-refining the self. Wisdom cannot come all from a teacher. However, in fifth-density positive, I think that there are many more good teachers available, and a positively oriented entity is inclined to trust and ask for help, and to listen and to understanding, so by the time you get to sixth density, where you’re learning the lessons of unity, in other words, combining compassion or love and understanding and wisdom. You have always been following the path of that which is true, whereas if you choose negative graduation from third density, you’re choosing an untrue path because the basis of real service to self, is that you are separate from your brothers and sisters, and you gain power by controlling them, and you are doing them a favor because you are telling them what to do and taking care of them. That’s negative. It doesn’t work a lot because people really don’t want to be controlled, they want to control, and it’s a very difficult process to go through, so at the point at which a fifth-density negative entity enters sixth-density negative, he’s faced with learning exactly the same lessons, and using exactly the same light that has been used by sixth-density positive.

All the densities have to do with light—how full of light they are. That’s really what I think “density” means, is just how dense with this illimitable light the environment is. So, as we learn to use this wonderful creative light, that is love, that really is the manifestation of love, we gradually go to various densities of existence and we learn different lessons, but when sixth-density negative people move into the density of the blending of compassion and wisdom into compassionate wisdom, or unity, they are stuck, good and seriously stuck. It’s not a matter of saying, “Ooops, I’m sorry,” it’s a matter of saying, “Well, shit, I’m not going to be able to go any further, because my whole learning has been predicated on the idea that I’m separate from everybody else, and the best thing I can do for them is to be the best controller of them I can so they’ll have a really good life.” Well, that’s not the way sixth density can possibly work.

In sixth density, one of the fundamental principles that is realized, is that everybody is you, and you are everybody. We are all one. So, in order to move forward, the sixth-density negative entity has got to go into a real dark night of the soul, and get the gumption up to say, “I am changing polarity, because I was wrong, and because I want to continue in my spiritual evolution.” And because of the amount of light that this sixth-density entity has been able to use, this entity is powerful enough to switch polarity by choice. It has to be free choice. Nobody can tell you to do it. There is no apology involved. There is no forgiveness involved. It’s that same old, “I made a serious error here, and I want to correct it.” Usually, the people that have been negative and have switched over to positive sixth density are tremendously hard workers and learn very quickly, the lessons that they have loused up as far as positive orientation goes in third, fourth, fifth, and sixth, because in order for them to desire, to yearn, for the Creator and for the truth, to the extent that that person would give up everything he believed, well, that person is a tremendously powerful person, and that person will be the typical convert, much more enthusiastic, you know, than the regular guy that has been third-density positive, fourth-density positive, you know, he’s making up for lost time.

So, no, I think there is no way that changing polarity has anything to do with right or wrong, or forgiveness; it has to do with the truth, which is different from right and wrong. Right and wrong are moral decisions. The truth is that we are all One, and what the sixth-density negative entity cannot deal with, cannot go further because of, is that his whole belief system is based on that he is separate from everybody else. So, it’s simply a matter of looking at the truth long enough to make the decision to have a change of heart, and to have that change be absolute.

So, it doesn’t really happen at the snap of a finger, it happens at the end of a process of consideration of a very powerful being that is now realizing that the thing he has hoped for the most, the truth, can no longer be found, or he can no longer go any further along that trail until he makes some changes.

Now, of course, this illusion is intended to look negative to everybody. If it always looked positive, we wouldn’t learn very much. What we learn from is meeting the challenges and the difficulties of a lifetime in choosing to react to those things in a way that is loving, and not judgmental of other people, or of ourselves. We’re here—it’s real simple. Being positive is real simple—love, unite, forgive, console, offer joy, offer hope, offer faith, offering giving, freely. It’s the choice of light over darkness, and I personally like the light. I think most people do. But, if we live in that light all the time, we’ll never make the choices, so we have one doozy of an illusion, and the choices don’t come easy, but as we go through, and as we are persistent through the years, more and more we begin to see our incarnational patterns, we begin to see the kind of lessons that we’re learning, because if we haven’t learned them fully, they’ll come back again and again and again, and we’ll see the pattern, and at some point we’ll say, “Okay, let’s sit down and deal with this.” Not judgmentally, not blaming ourselves for the past, but saying, “I think I see my incarnational pattern. I think I see one of the lessons I was supposed to learn, and I think I see where this situation is set up to give me a chance to express that I have learned this lesson, and that is never easy, but it’s always possible.

I won’t touch the part about, “This particular illusion tends to cater to men, and not particularly towards women.” My problem is that I never was treated that way. I’m just as feminine looking as anybody, but for some reason I cannot remember a job situation or any situation in which I was discriminated against because I was female. If I said I could do something, people assumed I could, and I always got whatever job I wanted, and, I don’t know. I think I’m an anomaly in that so that I don’t really have much to say about why the universe seems to cater towards the men, except that our culture is based, if you’ll look at the Judaic religion, the Christian religion, Islam, very, very strong religions. They’re all based on a patriarchy, God, the father, and the nature of the father is often seen as more judgmental than nurturing. I think the true case of it is that the Creator is female and male, or both, or whatever, and that there is a nurturer and that there is not a judge that is unfair or keeping notes, but simply someone, some energy, that is purely light, that will allow each person to move to that light in which he is comfortable at the end of an incarnation, and to start from there in the next incarnation, and if it’s third density, fine, if it’s fourth density, fine, it’s just a matter of learning the lessons, and if we have to repeat, we have to repeat. That’s really no big deal, because time is simultaneous. We have an infinite amount of time to learn what we want to learn. It may seem like a really, really long time to us in the illusion, but I honestly believe it isn’t.

So, don’t chop out the sermonettes, and I don’t get lost in paragraphs, I can deal with paragraphs, that works for me. By the way, this is my kind of humor. I don’t tend to give people reasons to chuckle, I just sort of say things weird.

Body types—okay, I think that we all have seven bodies [phone rings]. More relatives. Jim’s folks are going to come see us. He hasn’t seen them since he was four years old, it’s really going to be interesting (laughs) Oh, yes. I get a kick out of things, I can’t help it, sue me (laughs). All these people from Alabama saying (Carla uses a heavy southern accent for the following) “Well, hi, Jimmy, I just remember you when you were so cute,” and he’s going “Oh, my God.” (laughs). But, I’m a peacemaker by nature, I’m sure that if I can figure out enough food, and enough beds, we’ll get through it. Not that I cook, you understand, but if I plan it, it’s easier for Jim too.

Okay, where was I? We have seven bodies and they’re all here at the same time. They’re sort of inter-mingling with each other, and what body we’re living in within this density, within this plane of existence depends on where our work is, and usually, it’s not that we’re living in one or another of the bodies, it’s that the bodies cooperate to a greater or lesser extent to offer a harmonious being. For instance, Ra used the indication where you say, the example of me, saying that, I had pretty good clear lower energies, I had a real wide heart chakra that was open, but the biggest chakra was the blue chakra, which is communication, but the dimmest one was the indigo ray, which is because of low self-esteem, and I’ve always been troubled with low self-esteem, because of the parental thing, if I made one “B” and six “A’s,” my dad would want to know, “What’s with this B?” I just always thought I wasn’t very good.

So, by our choices, we choose the balance where we are. I’m balanced between being a really good communicator, having a very open heart, having a lot of energy, but being biased, perhaps not to the other person’s benefit, or to my own, by the feeling that I’m not worthy. So, we all each have a unique balance in between the energies or the bodies, and it’s nothing that you could be able to say, “Well, let’s just take this green-ray body out and have it be like a cutout of a green man or something. It isn’t like that. It has to do with the energies, ‘cause that’s what we really are, is a field of electromagnetic energy, and that’s not me saying that, that’s what science says. Science has never found any mass, just fields of energy.

As to names, I think names are a bunch of hooey. I’ve never cared anything at all about names. I’m glad my parents gave me a name that wasn’t real common, because I’d hate to be named Debbie, and have to turn around and say, “Huh?,” every time someone said Debbie. I realize that a lot of people put a lot of stock in names, and I think that if you really believe that there’s a magical transformation from naming yourself something new, that can have some power in your life, but it’s because of what you have faith in, not because of the name I think.

As to the laws—Law is a very misleading term when Ra uses it. He has only one law, that is Unity. The Law of One. Everything else is a distortion of that law—the seeming separation or bias from that law. Now, other things have been called laws in those books, which is not all that real clear, it kind of confuses people, I can understand that, but the Law of Doubling, or Squares, just means that if you do something positive, and then you do something that’s positive again, and then again, each time you do it, you’re not just adding to your positivity, you’re doubling it. And, of course, the basic problem is that we double, and we double, and we double, and we double, and then we undouble by doing something that’s really not at all positive.

Ra’s explanation of the way the Law of One gets distorted, is the first distortion is free will. By free will the Creator chooses to know himself more. So, the second distortion is that called “potentiated love.” In other words, the Creator and the creation, the unity is love. That’s all it is. But potentiated love means it’s love that’s housed in a field… (Side 5 ends, side 6 begins). So, we potentiate ourselves for we are potentiated into beings of love. We are each an “I am,” an inestimable, immeasurable spark of love, of “I am,” and the third distortion, is light, and that is love, spinning itself into the photons, atoms, and all of matter, in other words, manifestation. So, we are made of light, which has been created by love, which has been chosen by the Creator by that first distortion of free will. So, when we are talking about the Creator that is always and ever the same, we’re talking about the unpotentiated Creator, not anything that thinks, or moves, or feels, but something that is simply love, and cannot be anything else, and so all that we’re doing when we pray, and strive, and hope, is we are learning more and more how to be like that original thought that was the second distortion, when free will chose to allow love to come into manifestation. We’re trying to move back towards that.

As to the number seven, the number has always, in the spiritual writing that I’ve seen, meant a completeness, a going the extra mile. In other words, when somebody asked Jesus “how often should I forgive this person? One time, two times, seven times?” Jesus said, “70 times seven times.” The idea is basically it’s spacious, is as much as is needed, you just keep on doing that, that’s seven. Also, as a musician, the octaves, there are seven, and eight is also an octave to the one, so in any octave, there are seven, in the western tonalities, that is. There are seven tonalities in a normal key. I’m not talking about 12-tone scales here, forget it. But I think that’s what seven means.

The hieroglyphics on the book Jim picked out, and they just meant—they were the names of Akanaton, Nefertiti, his wife, his brother, and somebody else that was working with The Law of One, he’s the scholar. But that’s all that they are. They don’t mean anything except these are the people that, to the Egyptians, gave The Law of One.

Yeah, the decision was very conscious about the color for the book covers because we published them first ourselves, and we were trying for indigo, because indigo is work in consciousness. Rock Creek Research and Development is a public charity that Jim began in 1978 and when he had come to our meditations for a couple of years, he started learning to channel, and decided that his path of seeking had become one with Don’s and mine, and Don asked him to join the group. So, three weeks after Jim came, The Law of One began, so you can see that it was, indeed, momentous.

I am connected with Rock Creek, because long before we had Jim and Rock Creek, Don and I had formed a partnership which we called L/L Research, and we used that name to do whatever publishing we could do. Everybody knew us by that name, so what we did was when we combined, we combined as The Rock Creek Research & Development Labs., Inc. dba as L/L Research, because there was no recognition of Rock Creek, so it’s really the same thing.

I have always, from the very beginning, worked for Don, and after I became disabled, I can’t say I worked for him—I worked with him. I got $300 a month for it, so it was not like I was making money off of him or anything, but I am a straight arrow, and I wanted something to pay taxes on, and to be a person, you know, when it all came together, then I guess ever since then I’ve tried to get people to channel other than myself, but everybody says, “Well, you’re better than anybody else, so we’re not even going to try,” which drives me slightly batty, but there’s not much I can do about it.

And, I’m very happy to talk to you. Don’t you worry about it. Don’t worry about answering the question, if I ask for it, I’ll want to know about it. I will never learn to quit while I’m ahead. My favorite song in the whole world is “Beacon Blue,” they called Alabama the crimson tide, and I do consider myself in the standpoint of the way the world, a complete loser, I don’t have the proper use of my talents, I could be good at several different things that I chose not to be good at that would pay me a lot of money. I’m doing what I want to do. Sue me if I play too long, as they say in the song.

The dreams that you described to me look like you were frozen, and that you were scared with the mathematics, so it’s just as well that that passed. As to the next one, you had the idea that someone was talking to you. You saw this series of saucers, you were not afraid, you asked if you could help him, which is very important, and he just said he had come to deliver a message, and that was it. Well, that’s very typical of positive UFO contact. They don’t give you the message. They’re there to advertise, to give you a sign of some kind, and then you found the book, and started communicating, so there you go.

I can’t remember, I’ll have to look up, whether I sent you A Channeling Handbook. I have a feeling they did already. But, anything I have to tell you (yes, I’m sure I did, because you said you read it about marriage)—I talked about tuning in that, and basically, I think of prayer as a kind of a pill, you take at least once every four hours to remember who you are, where you are going and why you’re here. You are a creation of an infinite loving Creator, you’re here to serve, and you’re heading towards more light, and all you have to do is say, “Jesus” or say, “Christ Consciousness,” or say, “Love,” or whatever word means something to you, but doesn’t bother you, and basically you’ve taken steps to make sure that you’re not going to receive unpleasant contact because you’ve tuned yourself to a different frequency. And since you are very receptive, I think it is a very good idea for you to affirm, or contemplate, or meditate, or just think about positive things frequently and regularly, to more or less deal with this part of yourself. And if I give you a visualization tape, I’ll include that on it, not a problem.

The orange ray that you talk about, the orange sticky stuff from the helicopter type, okay. The orange ray in the scheme of things in Ra has to do with possession: fear of being possessed, that kind of thing. And, I think you’ve been really straight with your relationship with M about possessing or being possessed, or whatever, so it didn’t hurt you, but when someone is trying to possess you and it simply doesn’t have an impact on you, it will snap back on that other person, and my guess is that it had a lot more to do with your inner emotional relationship with M, and the process you’re going through right now, than with UFO’s because UFO’s are basically archetypical symbols, having a lot more to do with us, than with alien intelligence. I have always had a strong suspicion that there is no such thing as alien intelligence, that the universe is within us, and we each have our own complete universe, and as for feeling safe or protected, me too, me too. The only nightmares I had as a child were from reading Dick Tracy. There was this one character that gave me nightmares.

The monkey dream is interesting and may have more to do with the mechanics of getting out of the body than anything else. If you’re trying to get out, or you’re trying to get back in, and you’re not quite in the right space, you’ll hear a lot of buzzing, you’ll hear a lot of noise, maybe some colors. You saw light particles, but it’s real uncomfortable and what you have to do is make sure you can open your eyes, and then it will go away. But if you close your eyes and it comes back, it’s just because you’re going into that hypnagogic state before sleep, and then you’ll be trying to get out of your body again. If it’s uncomfortable to you, and your body is saying, “No, don’t do this,” then you’ll get yourself to move again. So finally, you were able to do that, and to come through it, and to come to a morning, and by your reluctance and refusal to leave your body, I think you’re very wise.

I agree with you completely about life’s luxuries being naps and baths, yes, yes, yes!

As to the voices, it’s interesting that you’ve heard your mother’s tonalities calling you by name. I would think that would be kind of comforting.

When one is dealing with dreams, one is really walking in the dark with nothing really to go on, but often, when we dream of black people, we’re dreaming about something we feel is unworthy. Not because black people unworthy, but because in our culture they are considered less worthy often, and you moved past that and you came on in, and you were able to see a face, and you recognized it, and perhaps that was a way of saying, “you may think you’re unworthy, but you’re not alone.” And yes, they do take questioning seriously. I always beg with people, “Don’t pray for anything you don’t want, because you’re going to get it,” and everything has side effects, okay?

Let’s see, when I asked you if you were afraid or not, about UFO’s , it was simply to determine the character of the UFO. People will be terrified if it was a negative experience. If it was a positive experience, they will be energized, to look, and be more curious, and to search, not to preach, but just to search.

And don’t worry about the spelling and grammar, what the heck, I can read it. If you had to read my handwriting, you’d be swearing long before page 20. Thank God for tape. Latwii was my favorite contact before I got Q’uo. Latwii was a fifth-density entity. Ra was teaching Latwii, so apparently Ra and Latwii made a pact with each other and took it before the Council of Saturn, according to the answer we that got, and of course, I’m not saying believe this, I’m just telling you this is the information that we had, it could be wrong. And said, “We can talk to this girl if she stays conscious but we can’t talk to her in sixth density, so how about if we make a principle, a collaboration, and Ra can talk to Latwii, but only Latwii can communicate with Carla, and apparently that was okay, and we didn’t learn this for about two years nobody thought to ask, “Why the name Q’uo?” If you look it up in your Latin, you can understand why really quickly. I didn’t pick up on it.

I really don’t like to judge other people and other channelers and other contacts, so I’ll just let that one go.

So Latwii is speaking to me from fifth density, yes.

I channel on Sundays at 4:00, except when I’m taking a vacation, which I’m still doing now, just because it was suggested a longer vacation would be good for me this year. We keep a question notebook and when there’s a question to be asked from somebody, we just put it in there, and put the name of the person who asked it, and if we get that question answered, we send them a transcript or a tape or something.

And I do do some special channeling sessions, yeah. There are some projects I’m working on, some really exciting ones but I never know when they’re going to happen—it depends on other people’s timing because I’m here and the least hard to schedule, so things are sort of worked around other people, which is fine.

Yeah, I probably have shortened my life by channeling, but, really, I don’t regret it at all because I came here to help, and I came here to do this, whatever, and this seems to be helping people, and if in any way I can help, I would gladly lay down my life for that. I have no trouble with that. My only trouble is that I hope I do live long enough to take care of Jim for a while. Not physically, but he’s a real loner, and he can talk to me and that’s good. That’s something he’s never had, and he really treasures that, so I hope I get to stay around as long as possible, and I am trying real hard. I’m eating very carefully, and treating myself very well, trying to be nice to Elizabeth.

As to spiritual daily practices, I think early in the morning, if you simply sit in your bed (after you’ve gone to the bathroom, so you don’t have that pressure). Just sit, and let it be for five or ten minutes, and just center in on silence, and feel that within. That’s a wonderful way to begin the day. It’s a wonderful thing for me, I love to sing in the morning. The morning offering Jim and I have consists of readings from Ra, readings from the Bible, readings from something else. Right now, we’re reading Emerson’s Essays out loud, and then I do some prayers, and sing a hymn and then we meditate for 15 minutes. But, not too many people can take that kind of time in the morning. So, I think if I were to choose one thing, I would just go into the silence and say, “Lord, the day is ahead, empower me as much as you can. Let me serve you.” And, just listen, don’t say anything more than that. Just be there.

I do feel that there is a purpose in everyone’s life. The purpose isn’t something specific or special, it’s just that we came here to learn how to love, and we all do it in an unique way.

And as for serving yourself, I really think there is a lot of confusion about that, because people say, “Well, how can I serve others if I’m serving myself.” Well, you do both at the same time when you’re serving other people. You have to have strength and the faith and the energy to want to serve other people, and that means that you have to be doing indigo-ray work, which is work in consciousness. You have to be allowing yourself to feel that you’re worthy, to feel that you’re worth loving, to feel that you do love yourself, to feel that the Creator loves you, and you just have to be allowing yourself to move this energy so that when someone comes to you, and needs you, you’re not say, “Oh, I’m not worthy,” “Oh, I can’t do this,” you’re saying, “Oh, sure, I’ll give this a whack, I’ll give it an honest try, I can promise that.” And do it. Just do it.

I have a feeling that Jim is going to come to the door in about ten minutes, so I guess I’d better get some clothes on. It’s been lovely spending the afternoon with you, and I thank you so much for writing. God bless you, and I think I’ll send you, since I now realize that you have plenty of things that you’re shopping for yourself, and you know that I’m not looking for you to do stuff for me, I can just send it to you and say, “Well, here’s another bunch of songs that I wrote, and my brother and I sang together, and just give you a little present. So, I’ll do that. And bid you adieu until next time.

Lots of Love and Light,

Carla.